hi to all my sisters out there
its my first time in susans so WELCOME HUG
i hope you can help me with my problem, because i shared this thing into my friends and none of them understand being like me.
first of all i really wanted to say im so much depressed about the happenings nowadays, and i all wanted to have is someone to love me.
sometimes suicidal thoughts appears to my head
this world is just unfair and full of LIES since i was born. LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES
when the summer of 2014 i really wanted to be with someone, yes i was craving for love that i really didnt feel from someone whos not related from me. being single for a long time is definitely hard, i was so jealous of my girl FRIENDS having boyfriends, and i really felt lonely deep inside and felt hopeless with my situation, but when i found an app everybody knows "GRINDR" (yes i was finding love in GRINDR how crazy) well actually im just new and dont know how relationship works, moving on, i met a guy on grindr, it was scary meeting him at first because he was a foreigner (im a filipino btw) he was 3 times of my age, how crazy, but i was really craving for love back then
, so i met this guy of grindr he was cool, he was free of virus because in his job being infected is bad he said they always get check ups so no worries, after that we still kept in touch we chat on viber talk on facebook( and this time i started self transitioning by taking oral contraceptives). then i became in love with this guy, because everyday we talk, then it builds up, and i really felt like a girl that someone is caring for you,because we can connect each others idea, thinking of you loving you thats all i wanted, (i noticed this thing back then he always hide his phone i thought this was normal) and then he treated me for a trip to some place here in the philippines 3days and 2 nights, and the thing happened, we were on the bed and i was in his lap and i saw something in his eyeglasses, some hearts, i thought he was sending it to me. i waited and got nothing and he was always in his phone hiding something, i felt there was a stone in my chest, and i noticed earlier he has a thing for guys young guys i was skeptical but still i didnt mind it because i love him, but i didnt bat an eye on those things, yes i didnt think of it. and then after the trip 4 days later(i know he was with someone), he invited me to see him again in this place, when i was going to that place i was transferring to the other train station and i saw him, i was glad that i can go with him easily, but i realized hes with someone (other guy) i was really shocked i run fast inside a mall and goes to the comfort room and texted my friend that i saw him with an other guy, i was really shiverring at that moment, i was confuse REALLY REALLY confused, i wanted to cry but i couldnt, i couldnt i couldnt i couldnt !!!!!!!!!, i just hide it to myself, but it was a ticking bomb inside my chest that really really heavy to carry and its near exploding, but stupid me still gone to his hotel, but the night with him, he cried to me and told me never leave me ,i was really shocked when i saw him cry, i cried also all the pain was gone, but everything has changed of my view to him, i told my best friend about it but still he couldnt understand my problem. well i didnt still told him my problems, but i wanna end this thing i wanted to be free, but sometimes my mind tell me, "youre a transgender no one will love you youll never have a child thats why no one wants you" "youre a freaking trash youre lucky you have someone to love you". and a while a go i told him i was reactivating my viber, hes in korea right now, going back to the U.S., he accidentally sent me a wrong message and it really hurts a lot, i cried a lot again, but i cant leave him everytime i attempt i Always stop my self , I DONT KNOW WHY I DONT KNOW WHY
, im dealing with depression now, im really afraid of losing him i love him so much, everytime i see him the pain goes away, i know theres a lot of guys out there but its really hard setting someone that you love free, i just dont know what to do, but I WILL END THIS THING BECAUSE ITS HURTING MY SELF NOW, and my bestfriend is worried about me. i really feel like a trash now, my eyes is freaking sore from crying everyday, and i really dont wanted to end like those other transgenders i know that just wanted to ->-bleeped-<- and ->-bleeped-<- and ->-bleeped-<-, i dont wanted to be like that, i wanted to be someone that loved
im so tired
im overdosing my self with oral contraceptives because thats the only thing thats makes me happy
coping the sadness is really though
P.S. i hate seeing his phone and don't get in love from someone you met on GRINDR
but im really thankful for him for making me happy for a while and treating me like a girl, bless you my love
