How do you deal with the staring

[goldphantom]

I am often told I am handsome, I am a transwoman so I don't really see it. Either way people are always staring at me. It wouldn't bother me so much if it was just women but it's not. Men will stare at me too and even children of almost all ages.

I had a panic attack when I was around 21 because people would just stare at me. They don't even look away when I look at them. I know this is going to get worse as I transition. I either pass well and get looks from men or I don't pass very well and get looks from others.

It bothers me a little but I am kind of used to it. But I know its going to get worse. How do you deal with all the stares? I can't just ignore them. I always have to be aware of my surroundings and I would feel vulnerable just ignoring them.

[Ms Grace]

Why do you think they are staring at you? Is it height, some "unusual feature", the way you dress/present, your hair? If kids are staring too that's all I can think it must be. I get looks (being 6'3" will do that) but I wouldn't say anyone stares...

[Valleyrie]

Hey goldphantom, I too hate being stared at or feeling like I am being stared at. I feel like people are trying to figure out what gender I am and always get mixed responses. I don't get called handsome any more but I never liked it when I did, it didn't feel right to me at all. The way I deal with the stares is that maybe they aren't thinking what I think they're thinking. I have social anxiety so this plays a role in it for me but it's hard to help that feeling that people are looking at you. I also like to have a "what does it matter" attitude when I am out and try not to care what others think, because to me I am a girl and that's all that matters.

I get what you mean having to be aware of your surroundings and feeling vulnerable ignoring them especially after I was sexually assaulted and harassed on a train. I don't think it will get worse for you, but better as you transition and become the woman who you are inside. It'll make you more self-confident and maybe the stares won't mean as much then.

[Jessica Merriman]

Why cant you ignore them? It is your life and what they think should not affect you at all. When someone catches my eye I either smile or give a little wink. You just need to own your life and not let people know they make you uncomfortable. That is the reason some people will stare. It might just be because you are attractive as well. You never know what people are thinking so don't think the worse all the time. It could be they think they know you from somewhere as well. A lot of people have that attribute. 

[goldphantom]

Something interesting I discovered only a few weeks ago is that I actually have feminine mannerisms. I believe that is why my coworkers stare at me. They are just confused and a lot of people think that I am gay, but there are people that stare that don't know me.

I am growing out my hair and it looks awful but they did it before as well. I am of average height and I don't think I have any other distinguishable characteristics.

There is one more thing I think it could be. One day I was watching a few teenage boys practice ice skating for hockey. I remember there was one boy in particular that I was really attracted too. I am like women and I always have but this boy was different. It wasn't a sexual thing there was just something about him that made me want to look at him. I later realized that it was confidence. I learned to build up my own confidence but I have doubts that that is the reason the stare, especially when I am just eating at a restaurant.

I can post a picture of myself if you think it would help.

[goldphantom]

I am so sorry to hear that Valleyrie. Violence is something that scares me often even though I have never been in such a situation.

It doesn't bother me so much that they stare, its the fact that they do it with dead eyes. I can look at them and smile and they stare back like I am made of stone. Some people do smile and look away but others don't. I don't know maybe I am just paranoid.

Still, it feels like it happens more often than it should.

[Taka]

smile when people stare at you. they won't stop staring, but at least they'll know that you mean whatever you're presenting as.
the only thing those stares mean, is that you're noticeable. you stick out in a crowd. you aren't an anonymous overly normal nobody.

and it happens to me all the time. mostly because of my hair.

[Cindy]

It took a while but:

Women look at each other all the time, check each other out, don't stare back, just give a little smile.

Men stare at women all the time, checking you out. Ignore it.

To stare you have to make eye contact, just don't

[goldphantom]

I think all of you are right. I should just smile when someone looks at me.

It is going to be hard smiling at everyone, but with a little practice I will get better.
Besides it's actually very feminine to smile.

Thanks for your answers everybody.

[FTMDiaries]

From the sound of things, this is probably what's going on here:

Something interesting I discovered only a few weeks ago is that I actually have feminine mannerisms. I believe that is why my coworkers stare at me.

It sounds like people might be staring because they're perceiving an apparent discordance between your mannerisms and your gender presentation. If this is the case, that may well change once you present full-time as female because then everything will start to match.

I'm not going to lie to you: you're absolutely right that it's possible for people to stare more once you start your transition, particularly when you get to the stage where it's difficult for them to tell whether you're male or female. People think they have a right to know everyone else's gender, and it makes them uncomfortable when they can't immediately determine yours. However, the good news is that in many cases this is just a temporary phase, and at your relatively young age you may well find that you come out the other side and once again become invisible when you're able to pass.

It is going to be hard smiling at everyone, but with a little practice I will get better.
Besides it's actually very feminine to smile.

Which, again, might mean that people will stare at you more for doing so, until you change your presentation. But it shouldn't hurt to practise.

I have a few techniques I use to deal with the stares; feel free to give these a try.

• Use an iPod and wear dark glasses when out in public. If they can't see your eyes, they can't make eye contact with you. And if you're listening to music you're less likely to pay attention to them. This is a very useful technique if you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks when people stare at you, because it puts up a protective barrier around you that makes it easier for you to cope with all those muggles.
• Stare back at them, even more intensely than they're staring at you. Staring is a power play: very often the person doing the staring is trying to intimidate you by breaking a social taboo (after all, weren't we all taught that it's rude to stare?). So as soon as you see them staring - particularly if they're pulling a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp - stare back at them with the same expression, but ramp it up so that it's even more extreme than theirs.
• Tell them the take a photo; it'll last longer. That often makes them check their behaviour.
• On rare occasions when I've caught people staring (and under the right circumstances), I've been known to do that bit from Beyoncé's Single Ladies dance where she repeatedly points to her ring finger. The message being: if you like it so much to stare at it then you should put a ring on it!

[Jayne]

• Stare back at them, even more intensely than they're staring at you. Staring is a power play: very often the person doing the staring is trying to intimidate you by breaking a social taboo (after all, weren't we all taught that it's rude to stare?). So as soon as you see them staring - particularly if they're pulling a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp - stare back at them with the same expression, but ramp it up so that it's even more extreme than theirs.

Nothing beats the Paddington bear hard stare, it works wonders against sober people. Don't use this against drunk men as it could be seen as a challenge to their percieved masculinity

[goldphantom]

I have a few techniques I use to deal with the stares; feel free to give these a try.

• Use an iPod and wear dark glasses when out in public. If they can't see your eyes, they can't make eye contact with you. And if you're listening to music you're less likely to pay attention to them. This is a very useful technique if you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks when people stare at you, because it puts up a protective barrier around you that makes it easier for you to cope with all those muggles.
• Stare back at them, even more intensely than they're staring at you. Staring is a power play: very often the person doing the staring is trying to intimidate you by breaking a social taboo (after all, weren't we all taught that it's rude to stare?). So as soon as you see them staring - particularly if they're pulling a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp - stare back at them with the same expression, but ramp it up so that it's even more extreme than theirs.
• Tell them the take a photo; it'll last longer. That often makes them check their behaviour.
• On rare occasions when I've caught people staring (and under the right circumstances), I've been known to do that bit from Beyoncé's Single Ladies dance where she repeatedly points to her ring finger. The message being: if you like it so much to stare at it then you should put a ring on it!

I agree on a couple of your suggestions

1. Dark glasses will only get you stared at more. People cant see your eyes and it troubles them so they will stare more trying to get a good look at you. It does make them uneasy though so if your feeling uncomfortable you can use them to level the playing field.

2. That's an excellent way to stop the staring and it's one I use often. However, I have doubts it will work after transition.

• Man + Man and eye contact = Intimidation
• Man + Woman and eye contact = Love

3. This one will work well but I just think its really rude. I don't think I will use it.

4. Hahaha I love this, and I will definitely be trying this at one point.

Nothing beats the Paddington bear hard stare, it works wonders against sober people. Don't use this against drunk men as it could be seen as a challenge to their percieved masculinity

Thanks for the advice Jayne I would have never thought of this.

[Hikari]

People look at me really hard. I don't know if I am not passing, or someone is attracted or what...but I just usually ignore it, I don't exactly control where other people look, so I really can't do anything about it. No one seems to say anything, just look.

[FTMDiaries]

I agree on a couple of your suggestions

1. Dark glasses will only get you stared at more. People cant see your eyes and it troubles them so they will stare more trying to get a good look at you. It does make them uneasy though so if your feeling uncomfortable you can use them to level the playing field.

Maybe this is a regional thing? I've tried this myself many times and I find that it makes people look away from you. The thing is: if they can't see your eyes they aren't in control of the situation because they don't know whether you're already staring at them, so they tend to look away. Besides, dark glasses + iPod = I don't want to interact with you right now.

2. That's an excellent way to stop the staring and it's one I use often. However, I have doubts it will work after transition.

• Man + Man and eye contact = Intimidation
• Man + Woman and eye contact = Love

There are other variations on the theme, including:
Man + Man and eye contact = Cruising.
Man + Woman and eye contact = Flirting.
Man + Woman and eye contact = Sexual harassment.
Woman + Man and eye contact = Flirting.
Woman + Man and eye contact = OMG I hope I'm not about to get attacked.
Woman + Woman and eye contact = Flirting.
Woman + Woman and eye contact = Sizing up the competition.

With that last one, your smile would seal the deal. If some other woman is sizing you up and you have the confidence to smile at her, you've won that particular battle. 

3. This one will work well but I just think its really rude. I don't think I will use it.

Perhaps it is rude, but it's a very British thing to do... and its usage depends on the situation. Anyway, they're the ones who were rude first, aren't they?

4. Hahaha I love this, and I will definitely be trying this at one point.

Sing it with me! [Flips hand over & over] Wuh uh oh...

[SkyeBlue]

I am guilty of staring at trans women but what is going through my head is "she's so lucky.  How is she getting her hair like that?" and wondering what I am going to look like.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

I notice people staring at me.  Perhaps because I am just that awesome!  I'm pretty much a celebrity.  No, not really.  I just hold my head high and carry on about my business.  I feel no obligation to respond to their stares.  It takes more than a rude look to get a smile or a reaction out of me.  Occasionally I do go out wearing sunglasses, headphones, hat, and a hood up.  Does not work.  If anything, it makes me more conspicuous.  I interpret the staring to mean that while I do not quite fit in, at least I am not boring.

[goldphantom]

I just hold my head high and carry on about my business.  I feel no obligation to respond to their stares.  It takes more than a rude look to get a smile or a reaction out of me.

That's what I do. Maybe that is why they stare, but if they wouldn't stare I wouldn't act that way. haha oh well.
The great thing about people staring is that since they don't tell you why they do it, you can just assume anything you want. After all, I am pretty good looking