I'd like to share a story

[Ixera]

Hi all I'd like to share a personal story with you that I could have written in my intro but I really didn't feel like it at the moment.

I'm kind of odd in about every sense of the word, but not really in a bad way. I'm 25 but I've been through a lot in my life that most people never experience.

Not to go into it but I was sexually abused pretty badly as a kid, so badly that my mind split into different personalities not once but several dozen times.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder at a high level. Which is the medical term for Multiple Personality Disorder. Basically (for those who don't know) it is not like a normal metal illness like a disease like Bipolar or schizophrenia it happenes when at a young age you go though enough to induce a split in your psyche that forms an alternate person. It cant really be treated with medicine since it's not really a disease.

It's more like a more advanced form of when a soldier experiences severe trauma in battle and develops PTSD. 

I have dozens of alters that I know about and some that I don't. Many of them are male 90% are females of different ages.

They all have unique views, personalities, ages, ways they see themselves, wants, fears, and favorite things to do and functions in the whole (which is called a 'system') 

We all share the same body and take control of it randomly.

Obviously this can greatly compound and exemplify and distort feelings of gender dysphoria and whether I actually want to change to a complete female gender, or whether these feelings are really mine or 'hers/theirs'

I'm not sure whether that makes a difference but 'we' all have decided to explore transitioning since 'we' are a lot of girls and one or two guys.

Not to sure what 'I' am yet.

I just moved to a new state so I don't have a therapist but I've already made an appointment with a transgender specialist. Hopefully I can at least get some advice in heading in the right direction.

[mrs izzy]

Its sad you had to deal with things as a child.

Life truly throws things at us we never should have to deal with.

I have PTSD, mine stems from a very dark bad part in my transition and sexual abuse in my teens.

Anxiety sometimes gets out of control but have learned tools that help.

We are all here to offer as much support as possible.

Many know the stories, many still live the stories.

We do have one thing all in common, We are a community of like humans who only want happiness.

Hugs and reach out to the community when you feel the need.

[Felix]

Good luck going forward with transition in that situation. I assume you want to try to better integrate your alters, but I know some people don't. If your therapist specializes in transgender stuff there's a good chance he or she will have experience talking to people with DID, and even if they don't they should be familiar with how powerful trauma can be. It sounds like you are doing everything right.

Welcome to Susan's, by the way. You probably got this with your intro post, but I'll link the linky stuff in case you haven't looked at it yet -

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[Valleyrie]

Hey Ixera, welcome and I'm really sorry to hear about the sexual abuse. :\ No one deserves to be treated like that.

I don't know much about MPD but I have read up about it before. You seem to be doing the right thing in making an appointment with a specialist. I hope all goes well and as mrs izzy said, we're all here for you.

[StevieAK]

My heart is broken for you. I too was sexually abused as a child. I found help and understanding on an online source actually. Its a Christian based site and if you are interested id give you the info. PM me and id share.
Its a huge step to speak of such things and i commend you for your bravery.