How to know for sure if you're being read

[androgynouspainter26]

Just as a quick preface, I dislike the notion of passing.  Few things satisfy me more than violating traditional gender norms.  Of all the rules out there to break, I don't think that any need to be broken as badly as these. That being said, there are times I really would like the option of privacy-to blend in for an evening, so that I can use the bathroom, walk down a street, or go clothes shopping without being harassed by some asinine fool.  So while passing isn't a concept I like intellectually, it's something I really wish I could do from time to time, even though I know that is not likely.  At six feet tall, with hair almost as kinky as my sex life, and hands the size of dinner plates, it may never be an option.

Anyways, I mentioned this to my therapist, and told him how I'm just so sick of people staring at me.  And what he told me was that people staring doesn't always mean that they are reading you.  People might be staring at me because I'm tall, or because dressed head to toe in black, or because of the deep purple lipstick I wear on a daily basis.  You know-all the lovely little things I do to blend in.

So my question is this: How do you know when someone is clocking you?  I know that with how I'm built, I shouldn't be thinking about passibility-it's only driving me deeper and deeper into the depths of my own soul crushing despair-but I can't help but wonder, how can I tell for certain when I am not passing, in order to better gauge what does and does not work for someone in my position? 

Any tips at all on how to better pass would also be appreciated, so long as the word "confidence" doesn't come up.  That one's gotten old really quickly!

Thanks,
Sasha

[kelly_aus]

Got no clue.. So I gave up worrying about it.

[Evelyn K]

This one is easy.

If you're not extraordinary, but seem to be getting extraordinary "attention", then you are (if you haven't already) being clocked.

[Auroramarianna]

Well, it surely is by the way they look at you. Now how to figure it out is the hardest. Because people can look at your for all kinds of reasons. As trans people we stand out for lots of reasons: maybe height, makeup, clothes, facial features. But just because people are "sizing you up" doesn't mean they clocked you as trans. Unless people are really obvious and start pointing and laughing at your face, it's not very obvious.

[crowcrow223]

Passing is very individual... You have to look at yourself to determine what may get you clocked, I can't give you one, universal passing rule

You're clocked when... you see their expression on their face. A mix of... shock, amusement, pity, interest (but not in a good way), and if they're with someone, instantly telling the other person, someone even pointing a finger at you

[Naturally Blonde]

You can tell......body language, eye contact you can just tell.

[Jennygirl]

There is no way to be sure, so there's no use in being worried about it unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation (which is unlikely if you are usually careful and defensive like me)

Mind likes to play tricks on you no matter how you try to interpret. Sometimes you might just be feeling a little more self conscious, and stares from people become a vicious worsening cycle that can be hard to break.

I.e. if you are feeling nervous to start with, someone might pick up on it and try to see why you are looking nervous. Then you see them seeing you (not knowing what they are thinking) and immediately blame it on some sort of gender thing... when they were probably just simply reacting to the anxious vibe you might be giving off.

This happened to me fluidly for the first 1.5 years of my transition. It all depended on my level of confidence in each moment.

As time passes, you get a better understanding of yourself and how your brain works.. You get a better idea of your triggers, and things that can tend to harm your confidence. It's all a big game and the rules change every day, so you just have to become comfortable with that and accept it for what it is based on what it likely isn't (because after a while you'll trust yourself that it is just in your head and not necessarily to do w/ gender).

One thing that helped me was making a ceremonial goodbye to my self confidence issues. My roommate threw a solstice party  and we all made little paper boats with tea lights inside of them (and the tea lights were intentionally placed to eventually burn the boat). It was a ceremony to cast away any kind of negative thought and move on from it. It was the perfect chance to depart from my self confidence issues. Happy to report that it worked, too. Days of feeling cruddy or "that my transness is showing" have been few and far between. Apparently seeing that little boat burn with all of my insecurities in it made quite a positive impact

[mrs izzy]

There is no way to be sure, so there's no use in being worried about it unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation (which is unlikely if you are usually careful and defensive like me)

Mind likes to play tricks on you no matter how you try to interpret. Sometimes you might just be feeling a little more self conscious, and stares from people become a vicious worsening cycle that can be hard to break.

I.e. if you are feeling nervous to start with, someone might pick up on it and try to see why you are looking nervous. Then you see them seeing you (not knowing what they are thinking) and immediately blame it on some sort of gender thing... when they were probably just simply reacting to the anxious vibe you might be giving off.

This happened to me fluidly for the first 1.5 years of my transition. It all depended on my level of confidence in each moment.

As time passes, you get a better understanding of yourself and how your brain works.. You get a better idea of your triggers, and things that can tend to harm your confidence. It's all a big game and the rules change every day, so you just have to become comfortable with that and accept it for what it is based on what it likely isn't (because after a while you'll trust yourself that it is just in your head and not necessarily to do w/ gender).

One thing that helped me was making a ceremonial goodbye to my self confidence issues. My roommate threw a solstice party  and we all made little paper boats with tea lights inside of them (and the tea lights were intentionally placed to eventually burn the boat). It was a ceremony to cast away any kind of negative thought and move on from it. It was the perfect chance to depart from my self confidence issues. Happy to report that it worked, too. Days of feeling cruddy or "that my transness is showing" have been few and far between. Apparently seeing that little boat burn with all of my insecurities in it made quite a positive impact

Very good advice.

Me i just keep going about my business as if nothing happened.

Confidence is truly the key

[Ms Grace]

I thought I would know, sometimes I have wondered if I have been but there's never been anything definitive...maybe it's just because I live in a big city where everyone has kind of seen everything and they either don't care or notice. The paranoid part of me keeps expecting it to happen, especially when there is a group of kids on the train but no... fingers crossed it never does.

[StevieAK]

I get that...for me a good day is just blending in...i reel me back in as in hide me boobs a little, jeans and tshirt. Just concealer and foundation. I speak as little as possible....sigh.
The best medicine is to not care at all. .the problem is we are human and rejection hurts. Maybe glory in the fact we are more human perhaps than those that are cruel to us?

[melanie maritz]

I know how you feel. I get stared at so much and I wish I could read minds so I know what they're thinking.

When I wait for the bus, people passing by in their cars sometimes stare, but I have seen a few looking at me with amusement.

I think those are the times when you get clocked, when they look confused/shocked and then it turns into an ugly grin.

I have found that mostly older men and women stare at me (like 40's to 60's) and now and then young men. But young women don't really stare at me. Why would that be?

And like with Grace, I also get paranoid around groups of young people since they love making fun of people. The other day I was on the bus when it stopped at a high school and kids piled onto the bus. Yet no one stared at me that I could see.

I find it strange that older people stare at me more

[Auroramarianna]

I have found that mostly older men and women stare at me (like 40's to 60's) and now and then young men. But young women don't really stare at me. Why would that be?

I don't know and I hope I'm not inducing you erronously, but if young men stare at you, they probably find you attractive and so do older men. Young women don't notice you much, but older women notice you because they miss the times when they were young and/or pretty? But I'm just guessing!

[melanie maritz]

lol marianna, if that were true then I'd be a happy girl

[Auroramarianna]

I swear I'm not trying to schmooze. 

Seriously, I have difficulty understanding how you could ever be clocked 

[suzifrommd]

So my question is this: How do you know when someone is clocking you?

Alas, Sacha, we'd all like mind-reading as our superpower if it were offered to us.

Who of us wouldn't want to know if that gorgeous person in the corner is checking us out for sexual reasons or simply thinks we're weird looking? Who wouldn't want to know, when someone says we look grand, whether they're sincere or just buttering us up?

But alas, there is simply no way to tell what's in someone else's mind.

Luckily it's not important. What's important is how YOU feel about yourself. If you're proud, confident, enjoying your life, it really doesn't matter what anyone else sees.

For me? I make sure I hold my head high. If I'm being clocked, I make sure they see that the face of transgender is intelligent, competent and PROUD!

[Hikari]

I used to just assume everyone who looked at me for more than a few seconds was clocking me, but now I am not so sure. I am starting to think some of those weird stares are more pervy and less judgmental.....

[Jaime R D]

I always assume people read me, then I don't worry about it so much.

[Juliett]

It is a fairly simple universal rule. Unless someone uses a slur or prevents you entering female space, you can safely assume you're not being "clocked"

[Jill F]

The only way I've ever known for sure that I was being read is when I got pointed at and laughed at or called "t****y" to my face.

Sometimes I get double takes, but I know that some of those guys are just thinking, "Yeah, I'd tap that."  Guys do actually hit on me.  Creepy guys mostly (I wear my new wedding rings 24/7, so they really are all creeps nowadays), but hey, I'll take it.

[Just Shelly]

Most times you will never know if someone is thinking differently. Early on you will get some looks that definitely tell you they know. Most of the looks will come from young teen girls, and young children. Teens may not say anything but the snickering and whispering to each other are tell tale signs.  The young children may just blurt it out!

Even to this day I get some strange feelings from children ages 3-8, they will often look at me with question marks above there head. When I first started working in public this really bothered me, but after realizing they do this to almost everyone I just ignored it. I still have times I wonder though, today was one of those.

I was waiting on a lady that had her 5-7 year old daughter with her, she would give me a couple of strange glances at times. It was taking awhile to help her mother but the young girl sat there nicely. It was not going the best with her mother and quite frankly her mother was being a bit of a bitch. I was not taking this the best and probably not giving her the best of service. Her daughter may have noticed this as well. About 3/4's into helping her, her daughter handed me a piece of paper she was doodling on. It was a beautiful flower similar to the fake tattoo one on her arm, in which I complimented earlier. How beautiful was that!! I told her it was beautiful and thanked her very much. Now if she ever thought something strange of me or that I wasn't treating her mother good; would she have done that? All in all the transaction ended up well and I apologized for any undue feelings and thanked her for her business.