New to site. just am in need of support and a safe place to hear/share life tale

[specialK103080]

I am the SO of a MTF.
we have been friends for the past 7-8 years and dated on and off for a few of those years. it never seemed to work as they were also holding back from fully letting me in. but we remained friends as we just never could seem to be with out the other.
earlier this year, when out for dinner and after a few awkward pauses, they came out to be as being a transsexual and would be starting the process of transitioning to a woman. I was/have been completely supportive since then and feel so special that I was the first one that they "came out" to.  this also explained so much as why it never worked out with us before.

A few months ago, something just seemed to click even more between us and we restarted our relationship. since then, it has been completely different and really great. we have talked about getting married after she transitions, what our life will be like and I have never been happier and we are in love and I cant wait to start my life with her. its been great to actually get to know each other with out holding back.

that being said, it has been hard in dealing with the depression and making sure she is not holding back emotions on me. We are still waiting to start HRT and I think she feels that it is on such a stand still right now. the appointment to see that doctor seems to be taking forever to book. so I believe because of that, she has slipped back into a depression again. I want and am there for her in whatever she wants, but I get shut down at times. I try to respect her wishes to just be alone but I also don't want to leave her alone in this and sending supportive messages don't feel like enough.

How has other SO's dealt with the depression of their transitioning SO's.

[Susan522]

Has your friend sought out professional help?

[Ms Grace]

Hey SpecialK!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Hopefully a few other SOs will be along shortly to help.

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Cheers

Grace

[specialK103080]

Yes she has gotten help. But at times still of course has these days.

[mark s]

Hi special K.

As I met my girl after the initial transition I didn't witness the initial depression most transgenders seem to go through (from what I have read here).

There was a sort of problem which made her depressed (which I didn't notice at first), but that is in my first post here and no point saying it again

Basically for my girl I try to be her rock, the one she can trust her life to. If she needs someone to talk or just someone to hold her because she's crying I'll be there for her (which is quite hard because she isn't near me most of the time). Getting her to that point where she actually supported on me toke some time and patience.

I notice it when my girl is depressed. I give her the space she needs (and the space to come to me), but if I feel she's holding it in I will talk to her and make a situation where she can tell me while I comfort her (for example while hugging her). I do however make sure she starts to talk as that'show how she sorts things.

This is how my girl works. I can't say it will work for your girl,  but I think in general making your girl feel safe and protected will make her be more open to her problems.

[specialK103080]

Thanks. She is right in the middle of one of these moments right now. I am giving her the space she needs and letting her know how much I'm here and support and love her.
It's small steps in us getting to where she doesn't push me away like this. Slow and steady and supportive is the way to be.

[mrs izzy]

Welcome SpecialK to the Susan's family,

Many of the depression and darkness comes from the holding back of transition.

We seem to get in the places in our life we just stall out.

Ask my husband how much i withdrawal when i am not doing good.

Yes i still have my moments but they are more from my PTSD i deal with.

Just keep offering support and being there and caring. Keep the communication going even it it seems more one sided.

As she progress through each hoop the depression and lack of self worth should slowly melt away.

Transition is a very long process with so many hoops and hurtles we have to deal with on the way, these each slow our process and in so makes us feel like CRAP.

[specialK103080]

Thank you mrs izzy.
It is feeling a but one sided right now. But I am still holding out strong for us and in working through this together.
I am very grateful to have found this site and to have all this amazing support around me now.
Thank you to all who will lend a ear to me in the up coming months.

[blueconstancy]

Welcome!!

To be honest, I never did come up with a good solution beyond being supportive and caring and cuddling her while she'd vent. She was in therapy, but only for the gender stuff. Luckily, HRT turned out to mostly help with her depression.

You deserve a lot of credit for being so accepting and loving. One thing I try to say to partners (beyond "it IS possible to have a successful relationship ) is that you also deserve time to be upset/unhappy/etc. Don't suppress all your needs for the sake of hers, or you're not going to be any use to either of you. No matter how supportive you are, it's OK to have times when you're not thrilled with all this.

(Oh, and you might want to consider - if you're in the US - that a marriage contracted before the gender marker is legally changed will be valid in all states and federally for you, whereas waiting until afterward makes it legally a "same-sex marriage" much of the time [and much more of a legal gray area]. Not at ALL meaning to pressure you to get married right away, but if you end up close to that point before she does the gender marker change...)

[specialK103080]

Thankfully, we live in canada so when or if we do decide to get married, doesn't matter.
We have talked about marriage all ready and agree to wait to wait till after the gender marker is changed.

I am hoping that she can begin hormones soon rather then later but it seems that the appointment with the dr is at a stand still. Which is what I believe is making this round of depression happen.
Support, support, support.

[mrs izzy]

Thankfully, we live in canada so when or if we do decide to get married, doesn't matter.
We have talked about marriage all ready and agree to wait to wait till after the gender marker is changed.

I am hoping that she can begin hormones soon rather then later but it seems that the appointment with the dr is at a stand still. Which is what I believe is making this round of depression happen.
Support, support, support.

Is not the great Canada health care system such a great thing to navigate.

I was lucky i had my primary letter done from the therapist in the states but OMG here it was wait, wait and wait some more to get things done. I ended up going private for the second letter i needed for my GCS.

All this is in Quebec and the whole system needs help.

So the wait does not make it fun but its part of the Trans Canadian experience.

[specialK103080]

She has her letter from her therapist and it's been sent to the doctor up in Edmonton. So it's just a wait now. I think she thought it would e started by the end of the summer but nothing is heard yet. So hench why I think the depression is setting in.
I'm not sure if the GP here can do anything.
I'm abit confused of why the GP here can't give out the HRT, but I know this other doctor is the one we need for the GRS in Montreal..... So.

[mrs izzy]

OMG Alberta.

Government control, you have to remember it used to me a mental condition and was controlled by the mental health board.

So with that said GP or Endo's do not want to stick there necks out.

Its the same after GCS, Its like its all taboo and no one wants to be involved. Pass the buck to no one for help.

I think when it comes to GCS now they have a year limit they send.

I so wish you the best. I have no help i could offer being those i know from Edmonton area have had a very hard time getting any help with problems post GCS.

Hugs

[specialK103080]

Yeah, Alberta.... It seems like it maybe a year till HRT will start... Well according to the website. So I think that is the biggest issue we are having now as it pauses are life and in moving forward.

[Sayra]

It does seem long, but both of you will have to remind each other of the final step. Focus on passing the time by doing things. One thing a day, getting out, enjoying what little sun we have. Go watch the fireworks, go eat at our wonderful restaurants, dance at the clubs, and do the things that make you happy.

It's almost elementary-like, but when I was depressed, my best friend called me once a day to ask what one thing I did and whether I did something that made me happy. She saved me from myself each day.

You can both mark a countdown of the days with happy events, maybe it won't seem so long and it's fun to plan things to do.

[specialK103080]

I like the one thing that made you happy idea. I'm gonna start asking her that. Think to positive, better moments.
Thanks!