Why can't I just focus on life?

[lavini557]

I feel terrible. Like, really terrible.

Currently, I am unable to transition. No therapy or HRT until I'm 18, finish high school, and off on my own. My parents are stuck in denial - when I tell them, they get all mad and go, "STFU because you're wrong, the devil is messing with your head, this will go away, and you'll thank us later for not letting you transition. Now go to your room and study for your SATs, you spoiled brat."  I try to leave them alone afterwards for some time to maybe give them some time to sink in. The problem is that it never sinks in. All they do is forget about it, and if I don't mention it again, they assume I have gotten over it and think that everything is absolutely normal.

Hence, the reason why I have given up on them...for the most part.

However, I can't get on with my life. I don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up (besides transition, that is). Transitioning and being recognized as a woman in society is all I seem to think about. I can't focus on anything. I don't even know how I'm a straight-A student when I don't even study. Then again...I can't even focus anyway. I still haven't finished my summer reading book because I can't focus.

I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. I used to pretend I was happy, but I've just given up doing it. No one really gives a sh*t about me, anyway. My family, my friends, the church my parents...everyone either doesn't give a damn or seems to find joy in saying I'm a piece of sh*t who's spoiled as f*** because I have food and a roof over my head. My "depression" and "gender dysphoria" are absolute bullsh** to them.

I don't even want to socialize anymore. I don't want to go anywhere - the movies, outside, the park, to church, to that Christian play my parents keep begging me to go to - or talk to anyone. Everyone feels so distant. Even if someone says, "I'm here for you. I understand," it feels fake, almost as though they are just trying to please me while they wonder how f***ed up my brain must be.

Whenever I try to get help, it doesn't seem to make me feel any better. My pediatrician said that gender dysphoria was absolute bullsh**. The therapist (not a gender therapist) was seen by my parents as being a scammer and trying to leech money off of them by making up some stupid, bullsh** decision. My school counselor doesn't do anything - I know he doesn't have to power to do anything, but all he does is tell me, "Things will get better. Things will get better." He says that every time I see him. He says it so often that it seems like a lie. Will things get better? I don't know. I don't even think so - not until my parents stop thinking that everyone who agrees with them is 100% correct, while everyone who disagrees with them doesn't know anything and are just bullsh** scammers or something.

I want everything to just...stop. I don't want this sh*t. Why the f*** do I get this sh*t? Why do I have to end up hating my family so much that I don't want to even be near them anymore? Why are my parents so selfish enough to just think about how THEY feel? Even the other day...I told my dad to back off and stop touching me. He got mad and starts yelling at me. "Don't you ever consider how I feel? Whenever you do that, it's like being stabbed in the heart in the knife. You don't even want to go anywhere. You always say, "No," whenever we ask you to go somewhere with us. Why? Do you hate me? How could you hate me? I'm your father! You won't find anyone as kind as me! You know, if it weren't for God, I would have hurt you and destroyed the house. You already know, don't you? You've already seen me like that. You don't want that, do you? Right? THEN WHY DO YOU REJECT ME? YOU'RE SO SELFISH AND SPOILED! THINK OF ALL THE KIDS IN AFRICA, WITH NO FOOD AND WATER! YOU'RE SO SPOILED, WITH US PROVIDING FOOD FOR YOU! WHAT, IS THIS ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED "DEPRESSION" AGAIN? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM FOR ONCE? YOU'RE USELESS! YOU KNOW, I HAD A WORSE CHILDHOOD THAN YOU SEEM TO THINK YOU HAD! I HAD TO GROW UP WITH PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T LOVE ME! I HAD TO STUDY HARD TO WORK MYSELF UP TO WHERE I AM! HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE SO LAZY AND SPOILED? GOD!"

Please, father. Calm down. You're so childish and spoiled when you're like that. How ironic - the spoiled one is calling others spoiled. Is my existence only to please you and fit your prototype of a "perfect family"? Really? Also, stop f**king telling me about your childhood story for the millionth time. It's your past, not mine. What does it prove, except that you had a horrible start in life? Nothing really. Do you really love me? Is that really true? Why don't you try to find out what's best for your child and...oh, I don't know, DO SOME RESEARCH? You and Mom each have your own personal computer, for crying out loud! Maybe use your spare time to research and learn about trans* instead of watching some funny Korean TV shows you found on the internet? Didn't you say you were looking out for my well-being? How is forcing me to internally torture myself "looking out for my well-being"? Oh, you did research, you say? What did you find? Hmm...so based on your "research", all trans* people are either ugly monsters who hide in the shadows or "supposedly-beautiful" non-human beings who are lucky enough to find jobs in dancing or doing sexual activities? Seems legit and totally not biased, right? Actually, no. Seriously, I wonder how you still have a f**king job as a semiconductor when you can't even do proper, unbiased research.

Sigh...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm surprised I still haven't committed suicide. Maybe it's human nature to hang onto even the smallest possibility that life will get better. I don't know. I hate the mirror, my body, the world...almost everything, it seems. Nothing makes me happy - only less sad.

[hardlife]

Dang lavini557, I definitely feel for you. am been stuck in a similar situation like you for years and my parents still believe am not mtf. when will they learn? I use to think that turning eighteen would give me all the power to get a job and start transition, but guess what, it didn't happen. I started college awhile ago and am almost finish getting a associates. Hopefully, i'll get a bachelors then a masters. transition is expensive and being eighteen does not give you power to transition. Only those with rich parents or those with very lucky jobs transition. But who can transition with a lucky job that makes minimum wage? the people that do make it with a bad job is like one out of a ten thousand transsexuals. bad odds.

your best bet is to look to other alternatives like I did. Have you thought about college? I know this is not what you want to hear, but it may take until your in your thirties or forties. By then you might have collateral damage and your'll be lucky to look half as passable.

Best of luck to you.

stay strong.

[mrs izzy]

http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/grandfather-disowns-daughter-after-daughter-disowns-gay-son021013

Maybe you could print this with a letter saying your feelings that it's not a choice and it never will be and you wish they love you enough to get some real help.

Hugs

[mrs izzy]

http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/08/07/3468380/gender-roles-health-risks/

Another great article.

[lavini557]

Well, my parents aren't as dumb as I thought they were, apparently. They think I should see someone because they are "worried" (Geez, what took so long? -___-).

I said that I found a therapist (here, FYI: http://choicesconsulting.com/), but I didn't show them yet. They insist that I be open to them, tell them what is wrong, and show me who the heck they are going to.

Well, I don't see too much of a problem...well, I see two.

1) If I tell them I still have gender dysphoria...well, I think that will destroy my chances of going altogether. I mean, they are pretty f**king biased anyway. I plan on just saying that I'm extremely depressed about something I don't want to talk about. It might work. It might not. I don't know at this point.

2) More importantly, I feel as though my parents are going to reject the therapist if she even mentions the word "transgender". They did that with a therapist we went to last time (she wasn't a gender therapist, BTW) when she mentioned that I was probably transgender and that she could recommend my parents to an endocrinologist who she knew.

I am a lot more worried about the second one. I really don't want to mess this up. I don't want to wait until I'm in my 30's if I don't have to. I really want to educate my parents. I can't personally do that, so I am hoping that the person we are going to can try to educate them without my parents thinking that she is some sort of scamming bitch who wants money. Or something.

I have time until tomorrow morning...I hope I can actually sleep today.

[mrs izzy]

Sounds like its does have a chance to a positive outcome on your part.

Another one to confirm your feelings.

Keep us updated as things progress.


Just a personal FYI keep the post a little more language neutral. I know you are using #**$# and what not but we all still can understand the not so nice words.
Many other words that can be used to make the same point.

Thanks
Hugs

[Valleyrie]

lavini, I wish there was more I could do than just offer my support. I really feel where you're coming from, I'm pretty much in the same position right now. I am more on the lucky side that my whole family are accepting except for one of my parents and this is really delaying everything for me as he doesn't want to sign anything. I can't get my mind off this stuff, it's always bringing me down every single second I'm awake. I've been losing so much interest in things and my depression has been getting worse for over a week now. I've just been in my room alone doing almost nothing and stopped eating and drinking for about 2 days and have lost a lot of sleep. I feel so hopeless and helpless and just like giving up, I have so many problems it's just so overwhelming to think about.

Wow, your Dad sounds very similar to mine... Your father isn't being considerate of how you feel, they don't see the actual problem. I'm so sorry this is what things are like for you right now. If he had such a horrible childhood then you'd think he'd want the best for his child. You really need to hold out until you're 18, I know how dark and empty things must be right now but if you're looking for happiness you have to press on. Things can work out for the better, you just need to believe in yourself. You can get through this but it isn't easy.

You have a really good opportunity here, lavini. Just tell them it's for your depression or something, anything that'd make them let you see one. Your therapist should be keeping everything confidential unless there's a reason they should be worried (suicide, etc). If you do start seeing a therapist you need to tell them about your situation immediately and tell them to not mention anything about the gender stuff towards your parents.

Good luck, I hope things get better or at least manageable for you. You don't deserve to feel this way, no one does. I hope you are/were able to get rest. Try to do things you enjoy or that distract you from thinking too much, I know the temptation when it comes to suicide and how good it can sound at times but you need to find a way. I know you can.

[FTMDiaries]

So sorry you're having such a tough time. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You see, you may feel helpless now but as soon as you turn 18, you're legally an adult and can do whatever you want to do when it comes to your body and your health. Your parents may think they're in control now, but that's only temporary. You'll soon be in control of your own destiny.

I think it'd definitely be helpful if you were to go to a therapist, at least to try to help you with your depression. In many cases, that depression is actually caused by being trans* but being unable to do anything about it and it clears up when you start to transition, so if you find a good therapist you may well be able to get them to help you explain things to your parents. If worse comes to worst and your parents refuse to let you transition, well... they can only refuse until you're 18. Once you're 18, they have absolutely no right* to know what you're doing, or to try to influence you.

So you have two options: 1) try to get your parents on your side now and hope that they'll eventually stop putting up a fight, so that you can start transitioning before you're 18; or 2) accept that you're currently unable to start your transition for reasons beyond your control, but promise yourself that you'll begin the moment you turn 18.

If you give yourself a goal to work towards, that might help you cope with feeling powerless at the moment. In the meantime, do whatever you can to honour your feminine nature: buy women's underwear, deodorants, soap, nail polish (even if just for your toes) - anything that affirms your identity can help you maintain your sanity whilst you wait. And do the best you can to get good results in your SATs; think of yourself at age 25 and imagine what she would want you to have done today. Make the woman you will be proud of you.

That's another angle, by the way. If you think it would be appropriate to do so, you can calmly and politely inform your parents that you will be starting your transition on your 18th birthday, and that the barriers they're putting up right now will serve absolutely no purpose other than to delay the inevitable and cause everyone pain in the interim. Try to remain calm and approach it in an adult manner. If you get on better with one of your parents, try talking to them alone first. These papers are very helpful in explaining to parents how dangerous their current attitude towards you can be; perhaps you might want to give them to your parents so they have something more useful to read: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/files/FAP_Family%20Acceptance_JCAPN.pdf and http://nccc.georgetown.edu/documents/LGBT_Brief.pdf

From your parents' perspective, they love you and they want what's best for you. They're just a bit misinformed about what's actually best for you. It sounds like they're quite active in their religion (church, plays etc.). People who are heavily into a religion tend to turn to their religion for advice when trying to tackle life's problems, so the chances are that they've spoken to the people at their church and asked for advice. If they happen to belong to one of the less accepting churches, this could be problematic as they'll be relying on advice from a misinformed source. You might be able to work on that aspect of the problem by seeing whether there is anything useful within your parents' religion about ->-bleeped-<-, and nudge them towards those more informed resources.

Funny that your dad should bring up kids in Africa. I was one of those kids myself: sometimes hungry, often poor... and completely and utterly transsexual. Oh, and gay - in a very homophobic society. Believe you me: being hungry and poor was way easier than being transsexual in an unaccommodating society. He should think of those poor kids in Africa.

* Unless there's a law where you live stating otherwise.