I'm not too sure when this all began and denied being 'girly' most of my life, but it steadily became worse as I got older peaking when I hit my 15th birthday. Throughout Elementary School I faced teasing because I wasn't into sports, cars, and pretending to rob a convenience store while arguing over whether or not the bullets actually hit me. I always figured that I was just a strange little kid and eventually things would pass and I would be normal like the rest of them. Although the teasing never really stopped, which is sad due to the fact I graduated High School last spring, I did develop ways to deal with it. My number one scapegoat was writing, I wrote hundreds of stories within third grade alone. Day and night, home and school, I did nothing but write my worries away. My therapist at the time figured it was natural and eventually I stopped seeing her and continued with my happy little stories of adventure and how a perfect world would be.
She overlooked the fact each story was in first person featuring a female Revy.
Nobody questioned my stories through Elementary School, in fact most of my friends and teachers encouraged it and I excelled in English already so it worked out. The moment I hit 7th grade someone finally pointed out the above line. It was a close friend so they were a bit confused but nothing too extreme. To be honest I don't know what happened that day and don't have the slightest clue where in the world he is right now, hopefully not going down the wrong path. Anyway, from then on more and more people began to notice the pattern in my writings and I was always asked "Why are you a girl in this story?" and I never had an answer. Simply responding with "I don't see myself as a boy" wasn't even on my mind back then, I just figured the female role was a lot easier for me to write. Eventually this habit extended from writings to drawings which I'm about to get to.
I'm terrible at drawing, what you think is a pineapple was supposed to be a house, but that's another story. What is related here is the fact I drew my female self a lot more, and for a time it was who I instinctly drew. If I had to draw a portrait of myself it would come out female, this caused some problems with an art class later in those two years of Middle School. The lesson was portraits, all we were given was a mirror, paper, and colored pencils destined to remain dull for all eternity. Using the mirror a grand total of never I drew myself exactly how I see myself, only problem was that nobody else saw me that way. A few detentions later and a long talk with the principal regarding how a proper boy is supposed to act, he corrected my sitting twice, I finally drew the portrait how everyone saw me. I cried that night.
High School is when I first learned what the internet was, I was so involved in writing I never really had a taste for electronics. If I counted how many websites have me listed as female on my hands I would have to borrow yours and probably your neighbor's too. It was somewhere I could finally be 'me,' even if it was just a few pixels pretending to be a creative girl from Arizona. Eventually I learned that I wasn't pretending to be that girl from Arizona, I was and am her. It took me so long to realize this, unfortunately it took a little too long because I moved shortly after this discovery. The new community I lived in from my Sophomore year to now is a lot less stressful on this whole situation. I moved to a military community, instead of hostility I was met with support and it was a great confidence boost, although only four people know of it. I finally accepted that I wasn't male on the inside, I was anything but that. I crossdress constantly so that I can feel comfortable with my body, I do a better job at passing math than as a woman, so I have reached sort of a stand still. Now that I finally understand what has happened in my life I made my way to therapy, and from there learned even more about my situation. Through a suggestion I'm now here, desperately grasping for the one thing that can make me the Revy I want to be.
If you compare me now to a year ago, I'm a completely different person. There's a more confidence in me, I know that, but I have support now. There's a small group, minus one friend that is so conservative I'm surprised he's fine with women wearing pants, which lend me support on a daily basis despite having absolutely no knowledge of the situation. I'm thankful for them and the transition to realizing who I am and can be over an emotionally difficult 18 years. Therapy is going well and we're taking things slow, hormones aren't too far in the future but for now I'm coming out to friends and family trying to ease into a role I've wanted to fill my whole life and not even realizing until now.
(I still have that drawing from Middle School somewhere, I burned the male version because I don't like lies.)
