Explaining My Gender Identity to Extremely Religious Family Members?

[Brenda E]

Thanks for providing additional info, Gabrielle - it helps.  Perhaps the smugness is not there (and I didn't mean it in a nasty way), but I'm not sure you should trust that there's not some backchannel efforts to have you change your mind going on.  Secrets are rarely kept secret; people often tell things to others "to keep to themselves" knowing full well that it's going to be spread around.  Again, I hate to extrapolate, but I think your mom told your dad "to keep it to himself" knowing that he'd spill the beans to you.

I don't know.  The suicide stuff - for many of us, it's very real.  For someone who is not trans to threaten suicide if someone else transitions seems, well, kinda wrong in a big way, especially when there's a very real and significant risk that you'll be drawn towards that dark place if you're prohibited from living your life as you choose.

That's all I'll say on the subject.  I don't know your family beyond what you've told us here, and I don't want to pry either.

. . . if I insist I am trans*, I will be, in her mind, slapping her in the face.

I think this is what it all boils down to.  Your mother seems to feel - rightly or wrongly (but most probably wrongly) - that you owe your life to her.  As a parent myself, I couldn't imagine putting any such restrictions on my kids.  I'm not sure how anyone can.  Sure, she raised you, you're an only child and she probably feels very protective of you, but as a parent, her main concern should be for you to live a happy life.  And if that's a life different from that she envisioned, then so what?

Religion poisons the waters in situations like this.  It's difficult enough for you as it is, coming to terms with being trans, without having to worry what your mother will think.  For her to be concerned - that's good parenting.  She should be worried that you're doing the right thing, that you're making good decisions etc.  But that worry should come from a sense of protecting you from a rather cruel world.  If the worrying comes from a sense of protecting you from a god you aren't even particularly interested in, or trying to make sure you go to heaven when you die, then it needs to stop.

You've got to put yourself first.  If you don't do it now, you'll never do it.  Your transition will be a compromise, done on someone else's terms, and you'll end up being someone you don't want to be.  Now, that doesn't mean that you have to ram it down their throats.  You can take it slowly, one step at a time, and you can show them that you're still a good person and there's nothing for them to worry about.  Luckily, you're also separated by distance at the moment, so you'll have plenty of opportunities to find out who you are without gossip getting back to them.

I'm not sure any of this helps.  It's probably far too much of me ranting about religion and projecting my own problems with my mother onto this topic.

[Gabrielle_22]

No, you're fine, Brenda! You weren't prying. I do agree that I need to put myself first; I just tend to be the kind of person who will always try to carry someone else's burdens, who will say "yes" when I don't have time to do something, and with my mother I feel like I would be responsible if she were to fall ill or worse from anxiety. It kills me, honestly, to imagine my mother hating herself so much because of me, even if I disagree with her conservative views 100%. But I shouldn't have to be a mother's Atlas here, holding everything from her life on my shoulders. It's not a burden I should bear, since I have not been confrontational with her. And I only have my one short life. I just need to find a balance. I think I may have to be "me" when I am away from home and be in "boy mode" for the most part when I am back at home, until any longer-term transitions can happen. If I were to go out at home in girl mode, after all, I would be in danger not just in terms of my extended family shunning me but in terms of being attacked, and not necessarily right then and there; the thing about living on a small island is that everyone knows everyone to some degree, or can find out who someone is, and so I would be putting myself at risk.

My goal was to publicly come out, to just live as me, within the next few years, since doing so right now full-time is difficult even aside from my family. But when I do come out, my family will find out, and my fear remains with how to deal with them.

If anyone has any other information about transgender issues and Christianity, I'd love to hear it, since this is the kind of thing, alongside scientific information, that might work to help me explain things to my extended family when/if I have to. Or anything new about neuroscience and transgender identity--anything, really. Thanks again to everyone for your help so far--I really appreciate your time.