Being fully present

[Satinjoy]

I struggle with being fully present.  My mind whirls around trans issues.  Ativan has given me a wonderful key, to get out of self, Miss Julie gave me the key of total acceptance of conditions as they are. 

Do you struggle with being in the moment, fully present with those you love, or at the job?

Have fun with this men and woman of trans.....

[Kaelin]

Women, men, and other :p

And the answer is a resounding yes.  I have places where I'm truly open, but that's mostly at church and trans groups.  I'm partially-doing it at work (not dressing the part, which would be an infrequent occurrence even if I was out, but I have mixed it up with my hair and have given word problems involving skirts and dresses), but family is a serious problem.  I'm still working on nuclear family (from the older end), but extended family is rife with intolerance but nevertheless has people (particularly younger ones) that I care about.

[Satinjoy]

Actually I was working on the obsessive side of this.  I have to force myself not think of trans.  Every try to not think of something?  Have fun with that....

And that was where this was going.  I think the more healthy we are with ourselves, the more fully present we are with others, the more we are listening with our whole selves, attentive, active, focused.

I need to be fully present.  Its just the right thing to do.

Enjoy

[helen2010]

This is very much work in progress.  After meditation I feel present and in the moment.  On occasion I feel completely focused but in general there is always something competing for my attention, seeking to distract and to confuse.  A biggie used to be my GD but low dose HRT fixed that.  Now I just need to focus and to become fully present.   Easily said, but very difficult to maintain.

Aisla

[JulieBlair]

To live in the infinite now is to experience life as it is, rather than as I perceive it to be after I mix reality with my, both real and imagined, perceptions.  Now when I can do that I will have become the Buddha and maybe move to India, or possibly OZ

Paying attention to what is in front of me is and has always been a struggle, particularly when my mind is obsessed with something as existential as gender.  The day that I am not disrupted by becoming a woman will be the day that my transition is complete.  My therapist, electrolysis technician, and maybe some others will see their revenue stream diminish, and I will probably be a more effective person.

Till then I am both a human becoming, and a woman becoming.  Both are beautiful, both are process.  As I learn to listen with my heart to myself, I become less scattered, less fragmented.  As I learn to listen with my heart to you, I become a better friend and more useful human.

So I guess the mad vortex of transition is both a blessing, and a life distraction.  But I have never done anything this big before.  I have never remade myself without retaining the basis of my personality.  I have never become entirely new.  Yesterday I was asked by my therapist if I was going to come down off my pink cloud anytime soon.  I don't know, I've been here for the better part of two years, with occasional side trips to the land of despair.  I honestly think that the journey towards authenticity is a journey towards home.  When I get there I will clean up the clutter, but the clutter seems to be a part of the journey; and so it goes.

Peace,
Julie

[ativan]

Last night after a quick dinner, I headed out across the lake with another person in our kayaks.
While just paddling about and running the rivers has become full of moments worth being in,
Last evening was one that doesn't often happen, yet is so easy to find.
As the sun was lower in the sky, the reflection was long across the water.
A sparkling thrill of reflected light, our destination lined up across it perfectly.
Mesmerizing, it has that look of a long waterfall of light, one that you can never quite reach the bottom of.
Yet it was always there, until we had paddled for quite sometime.
Reality lifted for a short time, moving towards this shimmer of light, never really reaching it, but that wasn't the point.
Just that it was there, that it dissolved the worries of the day and left the mind thinking with clarity, without effort.
That is what mattered, to be fully present in the moment, it was there for too short of time.
Yet it felt like an eternity.
It was enough.
Ativan

[helen2010]

Julie and Ativan

Your prose took me with you.  It was a privilege and a glimpse of the divine.

Thank you

Aisla