Something which keeps bugging me

[Allyda]

Oh Emily I'm so sorry to hear of your trouble and issues your having. However I must point out and I have said this many times to many others on here, and am surprised I'm actually saying it to you: In the end after all is said and done, and all opinions and advice has been given, and you've been given some great advice here by the way, only you know what is best for you and what will ultimately make you happy.

Personally, I agree with Julia-Madrid and everything she has pointed out here. And I need to say I'm sorry. If the photo's you posted were of you with slightly longer hair than usual, I did see them yesterday/last night(my time) and was about to comment positively to them especially how the longer hair brought out your more feminine features. Now, after reading this I'm glad Chrome crashed and I forgot which thread they were in(though I think it was the "you look fabulous darling" thread but am not sure) and I didn't comment for it may have made things worse for you had I did.

Back to the situation at hand; there's nothing wrong with presenting Andro for a while as you experiment to find out what is causing your despair. Might I suggest though, as others have pointed out, trying a lower dose of hrt rather than cutting it out altogether in order to at the very least, keep the reigns on the dysphoria while you experiment? I agree therapy and therapists aren't for everyone hell, the only reason I'm even looking for one is I possibly(not sure though cause I'm IS) need a second letter for my SRS this December. But I don't need some other person to tell me who I am I'm very secure in my core identity, femininity, and womanhood and have been all my life. And for me that means full dose hrt and full transition. But for you Emily it may mean something a little different. In the end only you know what that is: effeminate male, Andro, Partial Feminization, full feminization, or somewhere in between those definitions.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to just talk, or vent, or bend my ear, or rip it off even, lol! just kidding -you know what I mean. We've talked before, and I'd love to help if I can. And since I already have seen those photos which were very cute by the way mind you, you can point out what about them may or may not have brought this on. Though I looooove my sleeveless mini cut cute sun dresses -they're my absolute favorite thing to wear, they aren't for everybody or every woman.

Whichever you decide or route you take, please know you have all my hopes for a successful outcome, one that is perfect for Emily so she/you have everlasting happiness.

Ali

[Ltl89]

I get what you are saying about appearances.  I have yet to show myself on this site in "female" clothes and makeup as I'm very embarrassed about my appearance feel there is something wrong about it and will never look "right".  And it forces me to put life on hold while I keep trying to find that "right" appearance. I'll say this though, what you see about yourself may not be what others are seeing.  Maybe the secret is to push through that discomfort long enough for that awkward wrong feeling turns into a right? And there is always a way to change your appearance to a degree to match what you hope to look, such as the idea in your post of losing more weight.  Of course, our problems may be entirely different with a whole other root cause to them, so I want to avoid putting too much of myself into any advice here.  Anyway,the most important thing is your overall happiness.  Whatever path leads you there is the one that should be taken and I hope you find it. 

[JulieBlair]

To live on the edge on your comfort zone is life on the edge, but to step past that is to live.
Your comfort zone will follow you, it is just a step behind you when ever you step out of it.
I've read down to here all the very good comments, but is this what you really want to do?
Step past it? Find that thing that you can do, to do just that, be it skydiving or something else...
Find that step that will restore the calm. Sometimes you do have to step out of your comfort zone to find it.
Ativan

Well this pretty much says it more succinctly than I ever could.  I've also heard it said that "You will never exceed your limits, but you can move your limits."  In any case and for what it is worth, I began posting my picture specifically because I thought that at best I looked funny, and at worst I just looked like a guy in makeup.  The welcoming I received from that opening of myself to you was a wonderful affirmation and helped me greatly.  Now It isn't an issue.  I am Julie 24/7, what I look like is what I look like and I'm fine with it.  Well not really, but I accept it as the way things are.

What can I do? I try to stay reasonably fit, I smile a lot, and I try not to notice if someone has any issues.  Still, I wouldn't trade a day of this life for a thousand yesterdays.  There is absolutely nothing from the past that compares with how I live, how I feel, and how I am loved.

Fair Winds and Calm Seas,
Julie

[Sammy]

Thank You everyone for taking time and effort to post Your replies - I did have some private exchanges with some of You, but I wanted to say that everything which was written was noted and altogether it helped a lot to clear some of that confusion and disturbance which i had. In the end of the day, it is about asking right questions in order to get Your answers and that helped me to learn a lot about all of You and something about myself. Before, I was quite sure that my identities have settled in and are quite happy with transitioning, but it turned out some aspects were neglected which caused a kind of meltdown and outbreak. So, I still need to find that perfect equilibrium while cherishing and embracing both sides - female and male. Quite simple, huh? I wish it was so, but I am kinda getting ideas what could work .
And yep, I wont be quitting HRT, but taking a break from transitioning dose and settling in for low dosage for a week or two. Just had a small moment of truth today, when I caught a glimpse in the bus window and realised that I still dont want to look like a guy, but I dont really mind acting like one at times . Oh, life can be really complicated - at times .

[helen2010]

Emily

So pleased that you are in a better place.  You articulated many shared concerns and I benefited directly from this thread.  I like Ativan's concept of the edge and Julie's sense of extending your limits. The journey is challenging and there is much to learn, accept and to express.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jess42]

Good for you Emily. I see you have an avatar now. It's safe to say you're feeling way more confident? Beautiful even. I still love that freakin' outfit.

Crap I know plenty of cis women that act manly but still are women. Hell some of 'em I'm scare of even.

[Sammy]

Yeah, the concept of edge kinda evolved into something very distinctively different, but it was and remains of the key concepts.

Not much of extreme activities available, when You only have a couple of hours in the end of the working day, but yesterday I went for some more aggressive inline skating (I am quite dismissive about it as anything extreme, but it really helps to concentrate yet helps to cool down the head and clears the brain). So, for the sake of difference, this time I fell... the first time was fast and cruel, without any possibility to regroup Your stance - and hit straight on the butt (the bony part of it, which is literally breathtaking feeling...). The second fall, I was able to pull myself together a bit and hit my thigh, but... with less muscles and more fat in those areas, it is now less pleasant than it used to be . But on a positive note - something which never happened before - a guy stopped and asked if I am alright and when I nodded back, still panting from that experience, he asked again if I am really sure. So, yeah, on one hand, I dont mind having more adrenaline in my life, yet, this attention felt nice too... And when You catch another guy boldly staring at You, while You fix Your hair, clad in tight protective equipment, and he is not breaking his stare despite knowing that I know... fun fun . Go figure .

[helen2010]

Emily

Still figuring !

My journey promises to be a long one, with many twists and turns, plus the occasional fall.

Be well

Aisla

[Sammy]

Emily

Still figuring !

My journey promises to be a long one, with many twists and turns, plus the occasional fall.

Be well

Aisla

This is a life-long journey So, the longer it takes... the better . Those falls, they kinda shake You up and show who Your true friends are .

Safe paths .

[rosinstraya]

Great avatar Emily! Glad you are on a more even and positive keel, give or take the odd in line skating fall!

[JulieBlair]

Emily,
You are beautiful, feminine and lovely.  Risking the fall means you are in the game.  Good on you 
j

[Allyda]

Hi Emily,

I'm happy your feeling better and have gotten a perspective on things. Great Avatar by the way. You look cute and happy, and like your having fun.

Ali

[barbie]

Cloth is for appearance, comfortableness, warmth and protection.
Yes. At first, I was preoccupied with appearance of my ladies' clothes and shoes.
Nowadays, I tend to wear for comfortableness rather than for appearance.
For example, wearing flat sandals instead of high heels.
Many people comment on my appearance, and they all know that I am a dad.
Still, they treat me as a woman when commenting on my fashion.
For example, my wife said my new dress is too short, revealing underwear panty. I changed to another longer one.

Sometimes, I look fine in the mirror. Sometimes, I look not so good, and I do not have time to wear makeup, but anyway I go out to meet people. This is my daily life.

barbie~~

[Sammy]

Hey, thanks for the positivity anyone . I have a frontal shot, which is not that... flattering. Not at all, so I wont post it .

A funny thing, I was off HRT for several days and took just a little yesterday morning. Today, I woke up with very strange and vaguely familiar feeling of loss. I could not pinpoint it at first, but it seemed sooo familiar somehow, until things clicked in. It was the same gut-sinking feeling from childhood/early teens - life and dreams alike. Like intense internal sadness and mourning when You know that someone is fading away yet You cannot do anything about it. With hindsight, I would say that is how dysphoria manifests in my case. But most important, that feeling and not really wishing to experience it again - IMO provides an explicit answer if I am on the right track.
Thank You once more, everyone!