How do I not transition and be mentally healthy at the same time?

[retransition]

Sometimes people need to know there is just no other way to treat Dysphoria beside low dose HRT or transition. 

I think we all get to that point at different times (if we get there at all.)  Again, just because someone is depressed it does not mean that they "are there" and now might as well start transitioning or taking HRT.  I understand that you got to that point Jessica.  I guess I pretty much got to that point as well. I felt I had run out of options and maybe I had.  I made what I thought was the best decision I could at the time, knowing what I knew and talking to other trans people in the 1990s when I transitioned. Then, as now, the "transition or die" sentiment was almost a mantra so many of us would say to ourselves over and over. It almost seems to be part of a larger mythos, the saga of how our natal gendered selves have undergone, if not a literal death, at least an exhaustion of any further possibility of existence, leaving way for the "rebirth" of our now-realized preferred gendered selves to take their places, seemingly restoring things to how they should have been all along.
Again, I believe you when you said you had run out of options - but as an "older generation" of transitioners is it possible that we can create more options for those who are just coming up to the same juncture in their own life paths?  Are we able to, perhaps, recast the myth should we choose?  I know that for most of my trans brothers and sisters the answer to this will be "no".  But looking back on my journey I wonder if there are a few things that I took for granted just because all of my other trans friends were saying and never stopped to question myself.  Maybe it isn't always "transition or die" or "hrt or be condemned to a life of suffering".   Maybe it actually is that clear cut, and maybe there is something wrong with me for overthinking things - but I have a hunch that I am at least partially right.  And I also am convinced that even if we believe transition was the right decision for us and did save us from suicide, that we can use more discretion in talking about this.  Again, I am not singling out because many many people use this sort of language (and I am sure I have too in an earlier part of my journey), but I wonder if, as a community, we can learn to be mindful in when and how we speak about our own experiences contemplating suicide in a way that does not give others that this is somehow a "normal" way to feel when you are trans. Maybe we can help others realize that they do have more "breathing room" and maybe we can even help create space for them so that they do not feel as cornered and stuck as we did.

[Kira357]

+1

I relied on my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial, also known as the 3D's. I "got by". Actually, it wasn't even me after a while, just a lifeless souless machine with no hopes, no dreams, no wishes, except for one.

All the fortifications I built to protect me from Joanne came crumbling down 6 years ago. I hit rock bottom. I spent months finding a TG group and that helped to turn my life around.

I am almost at a place now where these two great aspects of myself are rejoined into one whole healthy happy person. I really doubt one can be mentally healthy without embracing that other side of yourself. That does not necessarily mean having to transition fulltime as female. I am treading water in some middle ground. But I know where my true self and joy lies.

Both of these posts tell my basic story, I tried to keep the "genie in the bottle" for 40+ years, and it got to the point where the walls came tumbling down. I am giving up almost everything for transition, but I see no other way.

[Emily1996]

Hey, I have the same problem you have and posted something similar about being depressed about it and I got an amazing response so I will quote naomi

"As a small step, you could find something to act as a sort of token or reminder that although it's a crappy situation now, you are working towards building your future.
Could be anything, a necklace, bracelet, painted toenails or some object you can keep in your pocket that has meaning to you, but looks like junk to anyone who might see it. Last suggestion seems more appropriate to your situation.

The important thing is what you assign to it, not what it is. That way, when you're feeling really down, you at least have something to look at/hold/remind you that there is hope. To remind you of the steps you have taken so far, even you haven't been able to do much yet.

It can be easy to fixate on the negatives, especially early on, but I found that such a small reminder of the commitment (not sure if this is the right word given that not everyone finds out that this is the right way to deal with their gender dysphoria) made to being myself helped a lot to stop myself drowning in depression/destructive thought cycles.
As an example, I painted a thumb nail a colour I love. When out and about, like at uni, I could look at it and feel a little better, more hopeful. It was easy to explain to inquisitive people, I would just say a friend bugged me into trying it on one nail for fun. They just chuckled and forgot about it.

Naomi"

I'm actually trying to stop eating my nails (I know it's disgusting, i don't really eat them, I'm just always very nervous when I'm around people), and trying to make them like transition I guess instead of me... So I don't really apint them because it would be too evident, but I'm starting curing them, and sometimes I steal my sister make up, and wear it, and take some picture, so that I can see them when I get moe depressed.

[Elij]

Again, I believe you when you said you had run out of options - but as an "older generation" of transitioners is it possible that we can create more options for those who are just coming up to the same juncture in their own life paths?  Are we able to, perhaps, recast the myth should we choose?  I know that for most of my trans brothers and sisters the answer to this will be "no".  But looking back on my journey I wonder if there are a few things that I took for granted just because all of my other trans friends were saying and never stopped to question myself.  Maybe it isn't always "transition or die" or "hrt or be condemned to a life of suffering".   Maybe it actually is that clear cut, and maybe there is something wrong with me for overthinking things - but I have a hunch that I am at least partially right.  And I also am convinced that even if we believe transition was the right decision for us and did save us from suicide, that we can use more discretion in talking about this.  Again, I am not singling out because many many people use this sort of language (and I am sure I have too in an earlier part of my journey), but I wonder if, as a community, we can learn to be mindful in when and how we speak about our own experiences contemplating suicide in a way that does not give others that this is somehow a "normal" way to feel when you are trans. Maybe we can help others realize that they do have more "breathing room" and maybe we can even help create space for them so that they do not feel as cornered and stuck as we did.

I'm totally new here (this is my first post), but I came to this forum because someone said it was a spot that welcomes people who can't or choose not to transition or use hormones. I was hoping to get some new ideas about ways to survive emotionally when gender dysphoria is so painful and HRT/etc is just not an option.

Everywhere there are hints and outright helps for those wanting to or able to use HRT or transition. But so rarely is there ANYthing that supports those of us who can't/won't. And for myself when I try to express to someone that I'm at the end of my gender dysphoria rope, but I can't do even low dose HRT, and they tell me that HRT is what I need anyway - then that takes the "HRT or die" right to, then, "Then is die the only answer I have left?"

I doubt that's ever meant to be anything but caring and helpful, but in reality that sets up an even worse outcome than originally existed. As in, there are NO options, then. And yes, that is so destructive of hope. And without hope, everything else falls to pieces. Very painful.

[Jera]

Everywhere there are hints and outright helps for those wanting to or able to use HRT or transition. But so rarely is there ANYthing that supports those of us who can't/won't. And for myself when I try to express to someone that I'm at the end of my gender dysphoria rope, but I can't do even low dose HRT, and they tell me that HRT is what I need anyway - then that takes the "HRT or die" right to, then, "Then is die the only answer I have left?"

I doubt that's ever meant to be anything but caring and helpful, but in reality that sets up an even worse outcome than originally existed. As in, there are NO options, then. And yes, that is so destructive of hope. And without hope, everything else falls to pieces. Very painful.

I'm not completely sure I agree that it's ever such a black and white decision. Nothing in life is. Nowhere do we ever have only one choice, even if there is only one that we can see right now. The trick is getting ourselves to keep looking when we feel more like giving up.

Nor do I really think that there is no support for those of us aiming for that path. We have each other, even if nothing obvious is written down like you seem to be saying. Simply having someone around who understands us will go a long way.

I'm not trying to sound like I have all the answers or anything, because I really don't. I'm struggling with a lot of these things right now. But I really think that finding that support in other people is the key (even though the right people for it are decidedly rare). What will help me more than anything is a community where I can express myself in any way I see fit, with no labels or expectations of any kind attached. That way, instead of feeling like I should be in one category that the rest of the world insists I am not a part of, I can just be me. Not a girl, not a boy, not straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or whatever. Just me. Does that make sense?

But labels and categories are a part of human nature, so is a community like that even realistic? I don't know. But I'm willing to extend that courtesy to you, if you feel that kind of support might be helpful.

[StevieAK]

+1

I relied on my three best friends, Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial, also known as the 3D's. I "got by". Actually, it wasn't even me after a while, just a lifeless souless machine with no hopes, no dreams, no wishes, except for one.

All the fortifications I built to protect me from Joanne came crumbling down 6 years ago. I hit rock bottom. I spent months finding a TG group and that helped to turn my life around.

I am almost at a place now where these two great aspects of myself are rejoined into one whole healthy happy person. I really doubt one can be mentally healthy without embracing that other side of yourself. That does not necessarily mean having to transition fulltime as female. I am treading water in some middle ground. But I know where my true self and joy lies.

Totally relate...

It seems by reading all the replies that there is no one size fits all approach.  We are as varied as the gender spectrum in our replies and thoughts as we are all different.  If there was a way to not change I wouldn't have but perhaps you can depending on how you are wired.  For many it seems we couldn't me mentally healthy till we became or accepted ourselves.

[Juliett]

I'm pretty confident that this decision is the rational one.

Well there's your problem. I wish I could give you a better answer, but quite simply, none of us chose it.

[StevieAK]

I'm not planning on transitioning. I'm in a situation where that's impossible and I just cannot justify it for a number of reasons. I'm pretty confident that this decision is the rational one. That said, it hurts a lot. I feel myself slipping into depression. Having hope gave me drive in the past and now without hope I feel it increasingly more difficult to fight off depression and to get myself motivated to work and to do things. I don't know how I can get those things back without falling to my gender feelings, which would be disastrous.

I wish I had figured it out as I tried for a while with no luck and wa_la here I am.  Much happier most days and happy to be alive which at one point was the alternative.

Dont do this alone as its not for sissies, get some help from a therapist who knows dysphoria as it may may save you.

Trasntioning may not be rational but it may be what has to be done, I dont know for you but it was for me.

Best wishes,
Stevie

[traci_k]

I started seeing the therapist for depression regarding GD and being married with child and not wanting to tear the family apart. Some of the things my therapist and I discussed and I used were keeping some light colored glosser available and would wear outside, underdressing with panties or pantyhose if possible, keeping toenails painted bright red. (If you're not doing your own laundry and can't let others find out, skip the panties idea.) Ear piercing and wearing earrings don't attract too much attention anymore, even if you are wearing in both ears. And being able to talk to someone about it, a close confidant in person or last resort on-line. Participating in forums like this, though it can be a two-edged sword, while it can bring some relief letting your female persona out, it can also be more depressing reading about others moving ahead with hrt and after a while even SRS depending how serious you are. Depending on the severity of your GD it can be kept under wraps for a while, but in my case as I've gotten older, it has gotten worse. .Eventually you've got to deal with it.

Best Wishes and Hugs,

[bobbie002]

Here are some things that have helped me.
Remember that as overwhelming and all encompassing as it feels at times, gender is still just one part of who you are. Explore the other parts of yourself.
Take some gender studies classes or read some scholarly articles about gender to help you figure out exactly what you don't like about your birth gender and what parts you can enjoy. Find out what you most admire in your target gender and figure out how to express them in ways that are not dependent on your appearance. Get to know which parts of your target gender you would rather not express even if you transitioned. 
Proper medication, a healthy diet and exercise, and keeping a regular schedule will go a long way to reduce the symptoms of depression.
Acknowledge celebrate, and be grateful for the good things in yourself and the those around you.

[Cristyjade30]

It took me to recently at age 30 where it was a transition no matter what, I am married my wife is about to give birth, my parents live on the same road I live on, along with the rest of the family. We have a big farm with a road that runs through it and our houses are spaced through out. So waiting and denial and tattoos and muscle building, all those things I did to cope including getting married to my wife who I truly love building a house and a life is going to get wrecked. What im saying is waiting or denying yourself to transition could come back to bite you when you have the most to lose like me. I was determined to be a normal guy. Fought in Iraq, fast cars and motorcyces, working my ass off to keep my mind off of being female did not work. I was seeing a therapist in the army and in my home state. I was trying to replace what I needed with other things and it wasn't working. So if all you have to lose is personal relationships, Id say go for it. If you get fired from your job their are organizations that will sue on your behalf. What state do you live in? If I could go back I would habe transitioned at 18 easy, had I had the forsight that is. Your parents will eventually come aroung even if its years later. If they really love you they wont dis own you for to long. Just don't do what I am doing and wait to  you have to much skin in the game. Bc this is going to be worse than pulling a bandaid off really quick. It will be more like ripping your snakey sack off with no pain management.

[Taka]

what helped me most with staying sane, is getting to know myself. i have some troubles that were just as bad, or maybe even worse, than the trans issues which i'm still not dealing with medically.

deciding/accepting properly that i'm trans and will transition when i feel like the time is right, makes it easy to put off for this time when the time isn't very right. has a lot to do with rigidity in national health care, but also difficulties finding a steady job. now i have a steady job, so rigidity is my only concern with that.

family used to matter, but finding out how much and in which way i want it to matter has made it easier for me to realize that i can transition now, if i feel like i have to. i'm still just wanting it really bad, but there's one person i still want to talk to face to face about it before i make a decision that is likely to throw me into a potentially harming system.

dealing with other problems than trans issues has helped a lot. to a very large degree, i put off the serious efforts to transition so i could find myself first. i have too many issues related to my mother. i've dealt with most of them, by learning how much damage she and my not daring to stand up for myself, has done to me. there are problems with my behavior, anxiety, depression.

depression is gone now, anxiety seems to return only out of old habit. i know who i am, both the good and bad sides. there's still a bit left to work on, but i'm overall happy and living my own life.

and then back to the trans issues. the feeling of wrongness return often. some times like an annoying fly, that's easy to live with. even just changing clothes will make me breathe more easily when it's not too severe.

but when it gets hard, i will lose sight of all my plans for the future, i start questioning myself, forget to live in the now. i cut or dye my hair when that happens. when i can't stand to see that same familiar totally wrong face in the mirror, i change a most noticeable detail. it won't change my gender, it won't fix my body. but the face is different, and it gives me time to sort out the things i want to sort out before running head first into transition.

notice that i use want instead of need. i've finally gotten to a point where i don't make choices out of need (or feeling of impending doom, anxiety and depression are not to be trusted, neither are family), but out of my own will. i no longer have insecurities about whether or not to transition, i know it's right for me to do it. the only question is what time will be best for me to start a process that i know i might have to stop because it could take me in a direction that is wrong for me.

but i'm happy. more me than ever before. sane (probably). managed to get here without a therapist, but i've had good friends helping me. some here, some at another forum. interestingly i got help to stop fearing the possible consequences of transition from normal people at that other forum. it's a place where i can be the gender that i'm not yet offline, and the few people who know me as trans have been mostly accepting. one was not being too nice about it, but others would tell him off. gave me back faith in humanity.

and the people here, with all their life experience, have helped me come to terms with all the other things that have been troubling me. first it was accepting that i'm trans, but in my own way which is a little different from the norm. then it was accepting myself as an imperfect being who still deserves just as much love when i fail as when i do great. never got that from my parents, but that's because they're imperfect beings too.

anyway. trans isn't a big issue that steals away almost all of my mind's capacity. it was for a while. transition seemed like the only cure for my life, and one that i couldn't even get. by dealing with all the other issues i have, i lessened the gender dysphoria as well. i don't hate my body, i just find some parts of it rather useless. there isn't anything i'm so anxious about that i feel like i have to fix something in order to survive. so the need to fix my body disappeared. now i just really want to fix it, and that's something i can live with. i can even feel generally happy without transitioning, though i believe i'll feel much better about my body, and possibly even happier if i do that too.

[Bunter]

It took me to recently at age 30 where it was a transition no matter what, I am married my wife is about to give birth, my parents live on the same road I live on, along with the rest of the family. We have a big farm with a road that runs through it and our houses are spaced through out. So waiting and denial and tattoos and muscle building, all those things I did to cope including getting married to my wife who I truly love building a house and a life is going to get wrecked. What im saying is waiting or denying yourself to transition could come back to bite you when you have the most to lose like me. I was determined to be a normal guy. Fought in Iraq, fast cars and motorcyces, working my ass off to keep my mind off of being female did not work. I was seeing a therapist in the army and in my home state. I was trying to replace what I needed with other things and it wasn't working. So if all you have to lose is personal relationships, Id say go for it. If you get fired from your job their are organizations that will sue on your behalf. What state do you live in? If I could go back I would habe transitioned at 18 easy, had I had the forsight that is. Your parents will eventually come aroung even if its years later. If they really love you they wont dis own you for to long. Just don't do what I am doing and wait to  you have to much skin in the game. Bc this is going to be worse than pulling a bandaid off really quick. It will be more like ripping your snakey sack off with no pain management.

I agree about this. The other option would be to never really get anything in life that you could loose. I know I have been avoiding relationships after I fully realized that I'm trans because I was too afraid to really start a life with a straight guy and then needing to transition anyways, and all the drama that could come from that. Now that I'm older, I'm regretting that because I know some late transitioners who have a husband and the relationship survived that (in Europe, not in the US, where it's probably a lot harder because of homophobia).
But if you really can't transition, then telling yourself that you transition later in life and not get too involved in anything can keep your options open. It worked for me, I'm mentally fairly stable.

[Cristyjade30]

I agree about this. The other option would be to never really get anything in life that you could loose. I know I have been avoiding relationships after I fully realized that I'm trans because I was too afraid to really start a life with a straight guy and then needing to transition anyways, and all the drama that could come from that. Now that I'm older, I'm regretting that because I know some late transitioners who have a husband and the relationship survived that (in Europe, not in the US, where it's probably a lot harder because of homophobia).
But if you really can't transition, then telling yourself that you transition later in life and not get too involved in anything can keep your options open. It worked for me, I'm mentally fairly stable.

Yeah I am starting hrt asap, so yeah its gonna suck. I just got to the point of I don't care about what im gonna lose. I have to be me. The thing is its not the end of the world, but it still sucks bc I am close to my mom and dad, and my whole family lives int the same town. So Ill be living out of my semi truck for a while in the near future. And Ill probably just get a small apartment in Birmingham, I will definitely have to sell the house and move. small fn town and I HATE everyone there anyway. A lot of painfull memories there