help. lesbian couple, girlfriend wants to trans to male

[andronancy]

Hello I'm desperate for some help, my girlfriend wants to become a man. She's spoken about trans life so many times but I never really thought much of it, I then saw she has joined some ftm groups on Facebook. I don't know what to say to her, I know that gender doesn't determine love and i do love her dearly but I don't know how to wrap my head around it. I mean I'm so attracted to the female form and all of that and men actually repulse me and unnerve me I want to be able to support her no matter what but I'm just really not sure what to do here. It's kind of overwhelming.

[Declan.]

If your partner is transgender, then your partner is already male, even if there's no transition. Is that what is bothering you, or is it the idea of your partner having a male body? Did you know your partner was transgender early on? How long have you been dating? You won't find judgment here; we have a lot of members in your position.

[andronancy]

So are you saying it's about accepting who she is? That's it's not the operation and stuff that makes her a man or not? She often speaks about how society perceives the trans community and i think it bothers her about what everyone else would say. Yes the actual body transformation is what bothers me, I never really thought about any of this before I just really want her to feel good with herself, I don't know how it feels to want to change yourself your so much. It's scary for me I just needed to speak to other people before I broached the topic with her so I can be as open to it as possible. I met her a year ago and since I saw her I was blown away but she moved away, we've been taking things slow and getting to know each other but we've been officially dating for a month. Thank you for your response, I've never done anything like this before.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, first of all, welcome to the forum.

I think it's important that you approach the matter with your partner, discuss what they are feeling and what they are thinking of doing. Say how you feel too. Maybe they have no intention to transition or take HRT to start a physical change. There are many people on this forum who started transition while in a relationship - either straight or gay. Some relationships survive and thrive through the process, others aren't so fortunate. Sometimes it comes down to the non-transitioning partners sexual preference, they're into men or women and can't countenance being in a relationship with the other gender. Sometimes, they find they can. But the first step is talking about it - try to get on the same page about both your wants and needs and how you both can move forward.

[Declan.]

So are you saying it's about accepting who she is? That's it's not the operation and stuff that makes her a man or not? She often speaks about how society perceives the trans community and i think it bothers her about what everyone else would say. Yes the actual body transformation is what bothers me, I never really thought about any of this before I just really want her to feel good with herself, I don't know how it feels to want to change yourself your so much. It's scary for me I just needed to speak to other people before I broached the topic with her so I can be as open to it as possible. I met her a year ago and since I saw her I was blown away but she moved away, we've been taking things slow and getting to know each other but we've been officially dating for a month. Thank you for your response, I've never done anything like this before.

I understand this is probably confusing as it's uncharted territory for most people, but yes, your partner is male regardless of future surgeries and hormones. If you strip away all the outer layers of a person, what remains is who they are. I would be a man whether I had been willing to go on with a female body or not. It was too stressful for my physical form to not match my mental, emotional and spiritual form, so I transitioned. Some of us never physically transition at all, but we still are who we are.

There's nothing wrong with having a set sexuality and only being attracted to the female form. Do you feel the same uneasiness and repulsion where males in general are concerned, or just the male body? What is it about men that repulses you? How far does your partner seem to want to take transitioning, if at all? (If these questions are too personal, I apologize. There's no need to answer them if that's the case.)

Thank you for having an open mind. It's refreshing to say the least.

[blueconstancy]

The first thing I would say is to try not to worry too much about the "worst case scenarios"; this is easier said than done, I know, but if you don't know for sure that she intends to pursue a physical transition to the point that it would trigger your instinctive reactions about men/male bodies, it's counterproductive to get too upset about that possibility yet. You *are* trying to be supportive and you *do* love her, so you can start the conversation there - I'm guessing she already knows that you find men repulsive and unnerving, so there's no need to bring up that part yet. See how she feels and what she wants, and keep in mind that if she's in the early days of exploring, she may not know that yet either.

There is the possibility of keeping this relationship intact if you want to, but you don't have to want to. It may be that you can make an exception for one specific man that you loved before he had a male body [if and when it gets to that point], but please don't feel like you're obligated to continue in a relationship that you find is making you suffer, either. One thing I recommend often to partners is to keep asking regularly "Is this relationship still making me happy and still worth the effort?" So long as the answer is yes, it's worth trying, but if the answer shifts to "no" it's also OK to walk away rather than be unfair to yourself.

(Full disclosure : my wife transitioned about five years ago now, and we are in the "survive and thrive" category.)

But for now, just talk to her. Maybe you'll find out she *doesn't* consider herself male and/or is just trying to figure out what's out there for people who are gender-nonconforming.

Good luck.

[Adam (birkin)]

Welcome!

As others have said, there are a lot of people in your position and a lot of people share the same questions and concerns as you, so this is a safe place to talk about it.

I'd like to reiterate what some other people have said, it sounds like part of you feels like you have to be in a relationship with this person in order to support them, if you don't want to be in a relationship with a man you are never obligated to.

[Felix]

Everyone so far has been more eloquent and relevant than I know how to be on this topic, but I want to echo the comments that your position is normal and your feelings are totally understandable.

A lot of transpeople stay with their partners through transition even if that means being an "exception" to their partner's typical sexual orientations, and a lot of transpeople do not stay with their partners but remain close friends, and some part ways (amicably or not) with their partners. How you navigate this is going to be specific to you and your loved one, and communication is vital for keeping it from getting too thorny.

It's great that you are seeking information and thoughtful about how to proceed. This site can be a goldmine of experiences and support for both of you, even if all you do is read what other people post.

[mark s]

Welcome.

I know how scary it is to learn that the one who you are dating with is trans. My girl was already into the transition and she looked like any girl. So I was quite shocked to learn that she was born as a boy and still had male parts. I only like girls and scary thoughts raced through my mind. Though I have no feelings for penisses (exept of my own) I learned to not be bothered by my girls one.

I had a talk with the SO of a transman (ftm) who was befriended with my girl and she told me she was 100% a lesbian. She said that even though her SO is becoming a man and that she has no feelings for men, she still loves him even though he transitioned. She called him an exeption as she is 100% a lesbian.

[Dread_Faery]

I'm now in the position of being an S.O. to my wife, who told me she wanted to start T earlier this year - and this is after transitioning myself a few years back. It's okay to be confused and unsure about the future, I am and I have experience of going through this myself. What's not okay is to make demands of each other or try and force someone into doing something they really can't sustain. The only real way to get through this is to adopt a policy of no secrets, no promises and no expectations - anything else will lead to hurt feelings or worse. Ultimately you both may have to come to terms with the fact that if you love them enough to want them to be happy, then it may actually result in a situation where you can't be together.

[h3llsb3lls]

My husband was 90 percent straight when I came out to him. He was... surprised. A little concerned because he wasn't so much attracted to mens bodies, but he understood that even if I kept my chest, and never took a hormone, I was still a man. He has come to accept that we are a gay couple. He still loves me, and we are still intimate. I am pre-op and pre-t, so there hasn't been a lot of change, but he has started using preferred name and pronouns.

It is difficult. You enter into a relationship with expectations. You think about the future and what your life with them is going to be. Then they love and trust you enough to come out to you. It can seem like a selfish decision, like they aren't thinking about you at all. But I can almost positively assure you that they are thinking of you. Your partner is probably scarred poopless.

What can I tell you? That with open communication and a lot of talking, ya'll will be okay. And okay can mean a lot of different things. The best thing you can do is allow your partner to talk and just listen.

[katflick]

Hi, I am also in a lesbian relationship with my wife wanting to transition to male. I'm only on day 3 of knowing so I don't have a lot of advice. I've had my suspicions and have even asked her before... I guess its something, as a spouse, you have to wait for them to say. I am trying to especially understanding and kind and accepting.
My biggest dilemma and fear is intimacy post op. I have been out since I was 11. 100% lez. Close to my 12th birthday a youth group leader and family friend tried to rape me straight. That was the first and last time I have ever been with a man. My wife knows that this happened and is still expecting me to stay with her post op. Of course I want to! Were married and I am in love! I hope you all can understand the predicament and give advice.

[Juliett]

 Trust me, he doesn't "want" to. He has likely fought it off for years, but eventually, inevitably the disphora wins in the end.

[Taka]

your wife might end up becoming your husband, if you are ok with it. if you can't stand the thought and are unable to accept, your wife will either stay as your wife, or you will split up. kind of depends on too many factors to know yet.

not all trans men want bottom surgery. there are many different reasons why, for some it might be for the sake of a relationship, for other it's the result that bothers them, as science still can't provide a perfect functional penis for people who lack or have lot one. you should talk a little bit about this, if this is your biggest fear right now.

being open and voicing your concerns without being judgmental of your partner will be important. taking things slowly together, is probably the easiest way for you two to support each other through this ordeal and find an end without too much hurt and heartbreak. transition usually starts with hormone replacement therapy, which results in some features like voice and hair growth changing, as well as the size of the clitoris (it won't grow very big, so that's nothing to be afraid of). another thing that will change is the body odor, it will change from a female to a male scent. the experienced need to change other body parts might also change, so it's worth trying to let things happen and see if you can still maintain the attraction.

people can get a little caught up and start obsessing over transition. they may become wary of others, also their partner, and start doubting their partner's intentions and true feelings. i know a woman who's so started transitioning, with her consent and support, but that relationship isn't going too well because the so doesn't believe in the woman's acceptance. both parts in a relationship will have to be open and honest and make an effort to be understanding of the other, and trying to believe in the other's love.

one thing you should always keep in mind, is that the person will not change. it's only their exterior and the way they express themselves that change through transition, just like how the inhabitants of a house will still be the same people even after they renovate the house so they can live more comfortably in it.

though i can imagine this might get really difficult if you have no attraction towards men whatsoever.
come by with all kinds of questions whenever you feel like you need answers from someone else than just your partner.