A Fork in the Road

[lostnostalgist]

so lately i've been thinking about something along the lines of a fork in the road...... tho maybe i will take quite some time to choose which way, if i ever do.

the first path is the one i've been planning on going down for quite some time, and is pretty typical: i want to pass as female at any cost. i don't care if it takes a while i just want to get it done and start my life over already. and i'm not going to go out wearing a skirt or makeup until i'm 100% confident. i don't care about looking pretty or interesting at ALL HONESTLY TAKE my good looks i just want to be a NORMAL girl!!! you get the point

and the second one is.... very different, but also very appealing: i want to be seen as QUEER, as QUEER as possible, i want to have a really odd fashion sense, dye my hair, etc. on this path... is OK if people question my gender a little bit. i want the beautiful parts of my transness to show thru and be visible, to the trained eye. tho i still want to be 200% a girl.

the more i think about it............ the first path is dark. laden with the burden of others expectations and judgements, and a fearful existence.... the second, seems better every day.

maybe i wont have to choose. and tumblr helps so much, there are lots of people everywhere in between but..... every time i see a trans girl who looks like a normal cis girl, if it doesn't make me extremely jealous and sad, it makes me want to unfollow them and never see them again.

thoughts? anyone else feel the same way?

[lostnostalgist]

vaguely related: there is a trans girl on tumblr, we're friends and we talk some times. she looks like a cis girl, and she doesn't look very queer. whenever her passing or cis appearance comes up, she talks about how much she wants people to see her as trans and queer, and how she envies the appearance of all the trans women who don't pass so easily.

i haven't told her but, i don't think she can know that feel...... if she wasn't passable she wouldn't feel the same. she is already on the road of cis normativity, and can never make the switch back. it makes me so sad and jealous, and i want her life more than anything, but my sadness turns into the feeling of giving up on a lot of things that i think about too much, and wanting to unfollow her blog so i don't have to see her face every other day... and starting my new and unique path, forgetting hers.

[Jessica Merriman]

every time i see a trans girl who looks like a normal cis girl, if it doesn't make me extremely jealous and sad, it makes me want to unfollow them and never see them again.

I really am not following you here. Are you not happy that they have found their true selves and are happy with themselves? Maybe you can explain it better for me because I am trying to figure this out. Sorry I am just confused with what you are asking.

[Sephirah]

Seems to me like you are projecting your fears and self-anxiety onto other people. Specifically people who have something you wish you could have for yourself and are scared you never will be able to.

A few questions, if I may: suppose you were in the place of one of these people you feel sad and jealous of... would you still feel the same way? If not, why not? If so, why is it different? What is it about you that you feel will leave you... hmm... unable to have that?

[helen2010]

LN

You may find that this 'fork' in the road is not as binary as you may think.  There is absolutely no reason why you cannot progress your transition MTF and, either along the way, or at any other point, choose to present as GQ. 

As you move forward and work with your therapist, join support groups, understand, accept and express your identity,  a lot can change.  Don't sweat the end point.  The journey really is more important than preselecting your destination.  Good questions have been proposed, look for the answers, and the transition you choose, and the journey you take, will likely be far more successful

Safe travels

Aisla

[lostnostalgist]

i don't think i am projecting....... yes i'm so happy they have found themselves, its wonderful.

what i'm trying to say is that i don't think that seeing cis normativity is good for me, especially from other trans women because it sets a standard that i can't live up to.

it makes me want to forget that i'm trans, instead of accepting it. does that make sense?

if i looked like a cis girl i WOULD forget that i'm trans and i would stop paying attention to it entirely, because i don't really have much genital dysphoria.

im just wondering if its healthy for me to have my heart set on looking cis like this or if i should just try to stop caring about it so much and focus more on expressing not repressing my transness. i think because of my facial structure i could never look cis without surgery, and thinking about that makes me want to give up trying to express myself as a girl until i get that surgery.

[helen2010]

HRT makes quite a difference to your face. Many decide they no longer need FFS after HRT so you may be fine. Cis women come in all shapes and sizes not every woman looks feminine or entirely cis normative.

Focus on expressing yourself and see where this takes you

Safe travels

Aisla

[warlockmaker]

I have had thoughts in similar direction. I'm in the closet for another 12 months and as other have said, the HRT after 17 months changes how you look. I am looking quite feminine these days, needless to say I have removed by electrolysis my facial hair and I have a full head of hair and its long which I put in a pony tail for work. As my clothing taste change I'm noticing that I am looking gay, no big deal -  so I just enjoy letting my looks go wild, its my escape while I wait and its ever so much fun.....

[lostnostalgist]

I have had thoughts in similar direction. I'm in the closet for another 12 months and as other have said, the HRT after 17 months changes how you look. I am looking quite feminine these days, needless to say I have removed by electrolysis my facial hair and I have a full head of hair and its long which I put in a pony tail for work. As my clothing taste change I'm noticing that I am looking gay, no big deal -  so I just enjoy letting my looks go wild, its my escape while I wait and its ever so much fun.....

i actually have pretty high hopes for myself being passable in the future. but i still wonder if it's unhealthy for me to think about it so much.

and i wonder if i shouldn't have high hopes....... i hit 1 year on HRT in a few days and i feel like not a lot has changed. though i was on a pretty low dose for some 4 months, and switching to injectables soon i hope.

of course, i really need to get the facial hair thing taken care of, and i don't really try either but.... as of today i don't think i pass very often at all. and perhaps more bothersome is that at work, no one seems to have a clue, and they treat me like a guy 100%. i don't even come off the slightest bit gay apparently, i wish i did.

i wonder if the bigger problem is me repressing my feelings, i mean i talk in such a masculine voice because i'm scared to express myself. im so afraid and ashamed to try voice training.

alas, its hard to tell how easily i could pass if i tried a little harder. i should just quit complaining and quit focusing on it so much but its so hard....

[suzifrommd]

thoughts? anyone else feel the same way?

I think it's a common issue. Do I want the first thing the world sees about me is that I'm a woman, or that I'm queer?

I chose the woman route (though I don't pass perfectly) because I thought it would let me fit in socially in more places. However I do let my friends know I'm queer when I know them well enough. Transition is too amazing an experience to keep to myself.

And for a piece of nostalgia:

[Christy]

Can I relate to being jealous to transwomen who pass? Yes, but that is my issue. We can't always help how we feel but who we act or react to those feelings is ours to choose. I don't pass and when I see a transwoman who does and I get jealous I remind myself that they too once did not pass and everyone has to start somewhere. Unfriending them because they pass is a bit harsh. Maybe one day I will pass or maybe I never will but even if I never do it does not make me any less of a woman. I am the same person on the inside pass or not.

As for not going out until you pass. Like I said I don't pass and tomorrow I am going to Pride as a woman. If you wait until you pass to go out dressed you may be waiting years. I would say be yourself pass or not and the more you are your true self the less sadness you will feel and the less jealousy too. You are you so be you.