What is expected?

[Illuminess]

I was originally going to try to bypass a therapist with a "Tom Waddell" clinic here in Houston, but I kind of want to actually talk to someone. The thing is, I don't present in an obvious direction, male or female. I haven't been trying to present at all, really. The only female clothing I own are two t-shirts and a pair of jeans. I've done nothing to my face, nor have I really done anything with my voice. I really don't feel comfortable trying to do so without HRT having done some work on me. I mean, the therapist would "see me" through my body language and expressions, and I'd certainly go in looking the best I could with what I have, but I'm not in the least bit typical which seems to be what they want to see. If I decide to go in Monday morning they're not going to see "girly", but I hope they do see me and know exactly what I'm not. I don't want to have to waste time and money just to be denied because I don't fit extreme binary requirements.

As I may be able to continue living without transition, I'd rather not. I'm at the point where if I hear "he" one more time I'm going to scream. I just want to go in, explain myself, talk about my life, and get my letter. I don't need to hear a therapist tell me I shouldn't transition because I didn't play with Barbie as a kid, or because I prefer blue over pink, or because I'm not attracted to men, or because I didn't come in wearing a dress. The day I begin to see the right skin in the mirror is the day everyone will start to see me emerge 100%. Until then, I just want to get things underway so that moment is as flawless as possible.

[Shantel]

Read "Biologically determined trans-ness and the rest of us" A rant in the Non-Binary Forum, it might be helpful as you formulate your own game plan.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi sororcaeli,

If anyone says you shouldn't transistion because of whatever; you're in the wrong building. Leave immediately.

A good therapist will listen and guide you into your own understanding of who you are; whatever that may be.

So to answer your question as to what's expected. You, to be breathing, relaxed and prepared to tell it the way YOU see it.

Good luck, keep in touch and let us know how you're coping.

Huggs
Catherine

[Illuminess]

Thanks. It just seems there's a lot of strictness out there preventing people from getting what they need because of unmet criteria. It makes me nervous.

[flowers]

Prior to starting transition, I didn't feel or present particularly girly. I had the same fears that a doctor would deny or delay my treatment outright because of my gender performance. Unfortunately, I did have a terrible experience with an endocrinologist early on who denied me treatment because I didn't "seem like I needed it." I wiped off the tears and found a different doctor and BOOM.. I found a doctor/therapist combo that supported me and were resources (not roadblocks) during transition.
tldr: If someone doesn't understand you, someone else will.

You could also go to the Tom Waddell clinic and ask them for a recommendation for a therapist with a trans* speciality. That would certainly up your chances for a good experience.

Also, the last time I saw Swans I think they had Greed/Filth/Seer shirts in lady sizes

[Illuminess]

Prior to starting transition, I didn't feel or present particularly girly. I had the same fears that a doctor would deny or delay my treatment outright because of my gender performance. Unfortunately, I did have a terrible experience with an endocrinologist early on who denied me treatment because I didn't "seem like I needed it." I wiped off the tears and found a different doctor and BOOM.. I found a doctor/therapist combo that supported me and were resources (not roadblocks) during transition.
tldr: If someone doesn't understand you, someone else will.

You could also go to the Tom Waddell clinic and ask them for a recommendation for a therapist with a trans* speciality. That would certainly up your chances for a good experience.

That's actually a really great idea. They say on their website that they do prefer a letter, but will provide HRT case by case, and insist that you do have some kind of support group. Personally, I'm not really fond of meet-up groups of any kind, but I would consider Susan's Place as a great source of support. I also have very supportive friends and family, thankfully.

I do want to see a therapist, anyway, just so that I can talk about things with someone who understands psychology, because it's something I study, myself. I just don't want to have to jump through hoops in order to unlock access to the special features. They just need to hear me out and know that this isn't something I'm unsure of. I don't need to hear someone tell me that because I don't fit their criteria I'm ineligible for hormones. That's like saying if you can walk then you don't need a car. But like you said: if one person doesn't understand it doesn't mean nobody will. But the less trial and error, the better.

Also, the last time I saw Swans I think they had Greed/Filth/Seer shirts in lady sizes

The shirt I'm wearing in the pic is a ladies "baby tee", actually. I lost a lot of weight in the past year, so I can finally fit into a large. I had a fattish belly for over a decade, and now it's nearly flat, so form-fitting clothes are finally an option! I just don't have the hair or the skin (or the chest) to pass even a little bit, and I really don't want to look like a guy in drag. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just not what I'm comfortable with. I don't want to emerge as Arin to friends and family without being convincing. If I started now I'd just come across as a semi-androgynous guy to everyone, and that doesn't make it easy for them to use the right pronouns. I'm not about to expect or insist anyone to do so if that's not what they see. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have felt this way, but I often do feel like an outcast among outcasts. And because transitioning is so expensive it's not easy for me, because I only collect SSI, and occasionally get paid photo and design work. I can only handle one thing at a time. I would set up an Indiegogo donation page if I thought anyone would help.

[Hikari]

This is a legit concern, I mean there are quite a few people out there, who seem to want to play god with the lives of transpeople.

I have been doing a great deal to try and go all the way around the SOC, not that I oppose them in principle, but that in practice quite a few people seem to use the guidelines of it to attempt to deny people the healthcare that they deserve. The thing is no one has the right to define your life but you. One of the few positives of being trans and a US citizen is being able to walk out of the process and back into it, if a therapist doesn't respect you or obstructs your transition you are free to walk away.

As far as what is expected, there isn't really a universal standard. I am part time (I use that loosely I am presenting female 90% of the time) , but I would certainly go dressed femme to the therapists office. The thing is, I am comfortable doing that, if you aren't then you shouldn't. A therapist should be there for you to help you gain the confidence to express yourself however you desire to do so.

There is no wrong way to express who you are.

[Kassie]

Here in Oregon where I am there are quite a few informed consent providers for HRT you may want to try searching for them in your area

[Illuminess]

Here in Oregon where I am there are quite a few informed consent providers for HRT you may want to try searching for them in your area

Sad thing is, I was in Oregon for a year. I was in Newport. Things didn't work out with my room mate, though, and I had no other options, so I came back to Texas.

[Illuminess]

but I would certainly go dressed femme to the therapists office. The thing is, I am comfortable doing that, if you aren't then you shouldn't.

I'm comfortable in whatever I wear. What I mean is that I wouldn't want to go 100% without my body reflecting that (such is the point of attaining letter), and I wouldn't want to feel judged for not doing so. My wardrobe isn't mannish in the slightest, anyway. I've always avoided anything blatantly male in appearance without teetering over into the women's section, except recently. But nothing dressy, nothing floral. I'm all about the darker shades, and blacks. I could probably find an outfit at Hot Topic within 5 minutes (gods forgive me).

[Illuminess]

This is about as femme as I get within my budget (and taste): http://lux-occultus.com/images/clothing.png

No, that's not me in the pic.

[AnonyMs]

I mean, the therapist would "see me" through my body language and expressions, and I'd certainly go in looking the best I could with what I have, but I'm not in the least bit typical which seems to be what they want to see.

I go exactly as I normally am, which is far from what they might want to see. I'm going because I want some help, so I figure they need to see me as I truly am. Whats the point in therapy if you're not completely honest? Its been working well for me, but as you mentioned, there's a way around it if it doesn't.

[Jenna_]

I pretty much had the same concerns... I put so much pressure on myself about what the psychiatrists would think I put off going for 2 years and didn't show up for my first appointment twice, all for the absolute fear they would say "no". However in the end with constant nudging from my family doctor I managed to show up on the third attempt. I'm now devastated that i waited that extra 2 years.

Having been through the whole process here in Australia showing up dressed in what i describe as "boy mode" (Im a MTF btw) wearing just shorts and t-shirts nearly to all my appointments. I quickly learned that the psychiatrists are actually there for "you". They offer their experience as having been holding the hands of so many before you and they only want the best for "you". They have formalities they HAVE to follow to be sure you are receiving the best practice of care and well being. Just be open and honest and you will be absolutely fine no matter how you dress at the appointments.

[Illuminess]

You're all so reassuring. Thank you.

[FairyHime]

sororcaeli:

I actually had a session of therapy in Houston, which is where I was when I started the process formally earlier this year.

When I went, I went right after work, which means no one could have possibly imagined the reason I was seeking therapy. Showed up in pants, shirt, tie, jacket ... basically, nothing girly at all. And there was pretty much no problem.
The therapist I went to see simply asked a couple questions and listened, and they do so mostly to understand why you came to your conclusion and to make sure you're not transitioning for the wrong reason (in her example, situations of people so afraid of being gay they consider transitioning, or situations of wanting to change identity to escape debt/responsibility ... apparently that happens ... ) She never really questioned how girly I was or how I presented.

And pretty much assuming no underlying problem or complication, she was fine with recommending HRT after a second meeting. Sadly, however, I didn't pursue that at the moment due to having to move and travel.

So as someone who did therapy in Houston: just be yourself and it will work great!

[Illuminess]

sororcaeli:

I actually had a session of therapy in Houston, which is where I was when I started the process formally earlier this year.

When I went, I went right after work, which means no one could have possibly imagined the reason I was seeking therapy. Showed up in pants, shirt, tie, jacket ... basically, nothing girly at all. And there was pretty much no problem.
The therapist I went to see simply asked a couple questions and listened, and they do so mostly to understand why you came to your conclusion and to make sure you're not transitioning for the wrong reason (in her example, situations of people so afraid of being gay they consider transitioning, or situations of wanting to change identity to escape debt/responsibility ... apparently that happens ... ) She never really questioned how girly I was or how I presented.

And pretty much assuming no underlying problem or complication, she was fine with recommending HRT after a second meeting. Sadly, however, I didn't pursue that at the moment due to having to move and travel.

So as someone who did therapy in Houston: just be yourself and it will work great!

Good deal! I'm probably going to The Rosenberg Clinic in Galveston. They seem to have consistently positive reviews.

[Illuminess]

So... my mom is feeling bored and restless lately and wants to go somewhere for a day or two. She originally suggested New Orleans, but that place intimidates me. I suggest we just go to Galveston, because a) it's very New Orleans-esque, and b) I can visit The Rosenberg Clinic while we're there. I don't know if they need you to see them several times before writing their letter, though. I'm really hoping this isn't some 3-month therapy thing I have to endure. I'm 100% certain of transition that I shouldn't have to spend more than one or two sessions making that apparent, and I'd be happy to continue seeing them for months afterwards. I just hope they don't hold the letter on a string at the end of a stick and have me chase it for 90 days.

My mom is supportive of everything, although I really don't think she's comfortable with it. She does try, though. She told me the other day, "You know, the hardest thing for me not to do is to call you 'son'. I guess I can just call you 'sweetheart'." Also, she said I could go with her to get our eyebrows done, and she's given me some of her jeans, too, and said they fit really nice and added, "you can actually see your butt!"

I wrote out this massive letter about everything that has been on my mind and all of the things that she may have never noticed as I was growing up, explaining my identity and how I came to the point of wanting to transition. I haven't sent it, though. I always feel a bit awkward seeing someone in person when I send something like that instead of a face-to-face discussion. It's just not easy for me to explain things in spoken words. My mouth and my brain don't always sync up properly and I end up with blocked speech. Thank you, Asperger's, or whatever the hell is wrong with me. So, I'm considering just using it as a reference when we talk again, and maybe reading bits and pieces of it out loud. It's not like I have to convince her of anything, I just want her to get the full story so she can completely understand why this is necessary for me.

She even asked me, when I first told her, if I wanted to get "the surgery". I said that's not something I need to worry about right now, and that if I got anything right now it would be electrolysis. Maybe sometime after that, a tracheal shave. SRS is a big deal, and far more expensive, and we don't exactly have the capability of affording that. The HRT and the electrolysis is enough of a dent in the bank account. I am, however, on the lookout for a job in journalism. I write every day, and I write a lot, so I think I should start getting paid for it.

Any thoughts?

[Jera]

Mostly, I just want to welcome you to the writer's club, if that's the route you feel like pursuing. I'm a freelance writer, myself. It's tricky sometimes, since income can be really unsteady, and you're probably not going to get wealthy doing it, if that's your thing. Unless you get super lucky, of course.

Your mom sounds awesome. The letter thing can be a good idea, even if you do see her face-to-face regularly. It's definitely easier for some of us to write down rather than vocalize our feelings, and it gives you the opportunity to say everything you want to without being interrupted. I've done things that way before. You don't even have to "send" it, just give it to her face to face, saying it's stuff that's hard for you to actually say, and you're there if she has questions about it. It can open the way to dialogue you wouldn't otherwise have.

Hope the rest of your journey goes well.

[Illuminess]

Mostly, I just want to welcome you to the writer's club, if that's the route you feel like pursuing. I'm a freelance writer, myself. It's tricky sometimes, since income can be really unsteady, and you're probably not going to get wealthy doing it, if that's your thing. Unless you get super lucky, of course.

Your mom sounds awesome. The letter thing can be a good idea, even if you do see her face-to-face regularly. It's definitely easier for some of us to write down rather than vocalize our feelings, and it gives you the opportunity to say everything you want to without being interrupted. I've done things that way before. You don't even have to "send" it, just give it to her face to face, saying it's stuff that's hard for you to actually say, and you're there if she has questions about it. It can open the way to dialogue you wouldn't otherwise have.

Hope the rest of your journey goes well.

I've been an unpaid writer all of my life. I wrote poetry for years, but as someone who is highly opinionated and clever with words I've dived into social and political commentary. I post everything on Tumblr, though. I have a lot of controversial thoughts and have found it to be very relieving (and entertaining) to just let loose on all of the things I think are delusional bollocks. I can take it in a serious direction or go the route of comedy like "Seanbaby", a writer for Cracked. And when I write it ends up being several paragraphs. I never seem to run out of things to say, so I might as well try to find a side career doing it. I don't expect to make a fortune, but it would be nice to have that extra income.

When it comes to my ability to get things out vocally it's a bit more complex than just not having the words readily available. I know everything I want to say; the problem is aligning my thoughts with my mouth. I've had so many times where I'm trying to explain something and someone starts to do that "ahh, see? you don't even know" routine because I either stutter or have to pause for several seconds to construct a sentence in my head. I listen to talk shows and hear the hosts just going on with flow, and I can't do that, but I can sit here and write essay after essay with better understanding of language and grammar than most English professors. I'd say that deserves some compensation.

It's a little extra difficult, though, when talking to my mother, because I care about what she thinks. It's very awkward, and that makes the speech thing more disjointed. I'll definitely need some sort of "script" for that.

[Jera]

That's the only way to make the writing career thing work, IMHO, if it's already a hobby. Go for it. I wish you well.

I hope the convo goes well, too. I totally get the speech issues.