Coming out to parents - in person or letter?

[Brenda E]

So, time to tell the parents...

In general, is this best done face-to-face?  I'm not sure that an email, letter, or phone call would lessen the stress on us all.  I'm thinking of treating it like a first therapy appointment: take a written list of things I want to cover, but let the conversation evolve naturally?

Ugh.  Not looking forward to this.  Advice would be much appreciated!

[Ms Grace]

A lot of it will depend on how you think they'll take it, you're ability to stay calm and collected enough to say what you want to say and deal with their response. This is significant life changing news and I guess you have to ask how they will take it coming to them via email which can often seem impersonal, even in this day and age. Are you close to your folks, one more than the other or about the same? All of these things weigh into it. Personally, face to face is the hardest but also the most immediate... there is no waiting for a response (sometimes days apparently), which is worse I reckon.

I told my folks face to face about three days before I went full time at work. I was petrified of telling them, especially my father, but I felt I owed it to them to tell them both at the same time in person. I didn't have anything in particular worked out to say and the whole thing almost didn't happen but I worked up the courage and out it came. I burst into tears about half way through, which was actually helpful I think because it showed just how much it meant to me. I remained calm though and tried to be reassuring that this was the right path for me, I had happy pics of me as Grace to show them so they could at least see I wasn't their idea of the worst stereotype ever. They took it OK, they said they were supportive. My father has since gone into denial but you need to expect their first reaction (positive or negative) will not be the end of the story regardless of how you tell them. My mother had her reservations but has been supportive and accepting. Knowing my folks a letter or email would have been a disaster. But I live nearish to them, if you're on the other side of the country a letter might be appropriate.

[Jo-is-amazing]

I couldn't bring myself to say it to them...

So I wrote a letter. That turned out ok, my parents were supportive and understanding to a point- but that was largely due to there ignorance on the subject rather than any deep seated transphobia.

however you do it just be honest, a letter is totally ok though

[Cristyjade30]

I am real scared of coming out to the parents. I think it would be bad anyway you slice it. There homo phobic, Im pretty shure there trans phobic, Ive heard comments before, I think if I tell them its gonna be my mother first. And let her brake it to him bc she just know how to bring him down. I dunno its pretty scary. But its gotta be done.

[OreSama]

My parents aren't bigoted at all, but I was still too stressed and nervous to say it face-to-face so I messaged them over skype.  Modern technology is so convenient.  If I didn't have that I'd probably have done it over a phone call.

[Brenda E]

Thanks all.

I've decided to go the in-person route.  It's got to be addressed sooner or later, so I'll just rip the bandage off and get it over and done with.  I don't have a close relationship with them (which is incidentally something making a face-to-face meeting seem a little easier), and I think this is a conversation that would be best held in person, uncomfortable as it will be for all involved.

I wish I never had to do this, especially not at my age, but that's life, right?  Full of unexpected twists and turns.

Feeling sick.  This is making it all too real.

[Julia-Madrid]

I wish I never had to do this, especially not at my age, but that's life, right?  Full of unexpected twists and turns.
Feeling sick.  This is making it all too real.

Brenda, no matter which route you choose, be strong!  You will very likely feel extremely relieved once you have stopped hiding who you are.

If you are going for the face-to-face route, I recommend you have a very basic script to follow so that you get in all the points you consider vital.

When I came out to my parents and sister I did it via e-mail since we live in 3 countries, making a follow-up powwow very impractical.  I then immediately followed it up with many phone calls. 

My letter contained the following key information:

• The past:  a key thing you didn't know about me
• The present:  what I've been doing recently to lead me to this decision
• The future:  what I'm planning to do next and over the next year or two
• Some Q&A - questions they're almost guaranteed to ask

Hugs - you'll be fine girl, and we're rooting for ya!
Julia

[Brenda E]

Thanks, Julia.  I love the idea of splitting it up into past, present and future - especially future, as they'll no doubt be most worried about where this will end.

I think the "coming out" will be just the start of a very long conversation over many months.  I guess it doesn't all have to be explained at once.  If there's one thing I have, it's time.

[Julia-Madrid]

Thanks, Julia.  I love the idea of splitting it up into past, present and future - especially future, as they'll no doubt be most worried about where this will end.

I think the "coming out" will be just the start of a very long conversation over many months.  I guess it doesn't all have to be explained at once.  If there's one thing I have, it's time.

You're welcome, sister!   

[Beverly]

So, time to tell the parents...

In general, is this best done face-to-face?  I'm not sure that an email, letter, or phone call would lessen the stress on us all.  I'm thinking of treating it like a first therapy appointment: take a written list of things I want to cover, but let the conversation evolve naturally?

Ugh.  Not looking forward to this.  Advice would be much appreciated!

From the experiences of myself and my friends, here is my advice to you. Send a letter / email to EVERYONE important to you at the same time. Keep it to one page, perhaps two and make the important points - you were born this way, you are seeking professional help, etc and finish with the sentence "Once you have read all this, think about it and then let me know when we can talk about it"

The reasons I recommend this method are as follows:

- If you tell person A and then leave to tell person B, A will phone B and say what they think they heard and you will have twice as much work to do with person B. B might phone C, D and E and give them an even more distorted version making YOUR task even more difficult.

- The letter gives them all the same information and is accurate.

- If you tell them they will go into mild shock and not really listen. They will then remember a distorted version of what you say. If you write it down they can reread it until they understand it.

- Some people will be embarrassed. A letter lets them deal with that privately. If you make them feel embarrassed in front of you some will become angry and resentful.


To sum up, use a short letter to make your point and give people the time to absorb what it means and then talk to them as well.

I added one variation to this, I sent my immediate family the letters first and dealt with all of them, then I did friends and work. I felt my family deserved to be told first because they were family.

[Ltl89]

Thanks all.

I've decided to go the in-person route.  It's got to be addressed sooner or later, so I'll just rip the bandage off and get it over and done with.  I don't have a close relationship with them (which is incidentally something making a face-to-face meeting seem a little easier), and I think this is a conversation that would be best held in person, uncomfortable as it will be for all involved.

I wish I never had to do this, especially not at my age, but that's life, right?  Full of unexpected twists and turns.

Feeling sick.  This is making it all too real.

Hey Brenda,

I wanted to wish you a lot of luck with it.  While I reaize how difficult it is to come out, it can also be a relief at the end of the day.  Even if someone doesn't respond favorably, it's great to feel like you don't have to hide everything anymore. 

[Brenda E]

While I realize how difficult it is to come out, it can also be a relief at the end of the day.  Even if someone doesn't respond favorably, it's great to feel like you don't have to hide everything anymore.

Thanks learningtolive.  I think you're right.  Hiding is so frickin tiring.

I shall report back soon, even if only to tell you all what a scaredycat I was and didn't tell them!

[Felix]

I think coming out in person is important to some people and in some relationships. If you can handle doing it that way, your parents may see that as more respectful and honest, and they may be less likely to react badly if they are physically looking at the child they love.

I've come out to most people by email. That's mostly because I've not been close with many friends or family in awhile, but also I didn't trust myself to stay calm and rational and use the right words if I couldn't write it down and reread it a few zillion times first.

Good luck.

I'm really bad at finding things in lists, but we should have a fingers crossed emoji if we don't already.

[MajorTom]

I also decided to come out in person to my parents, which can be really hard- but you won't regret it. I remember it was hard to even say the words, but it's best to just stay calm. Once I did it, I felt absolutely terrible for a few hours- but it went away, and things just got better. It'll take them a while to understand, but you just have to keep their point of view in mind and realize where they're coming from and hopefully they'll do the same for you.