So, um, hi everyone.
I have been lurking here for a long while and I've been reading a lot of what has been said. What seemed amazing to me is that I've experienced a lot of what has been said here by others on this forum. Or maybe it's not so amazing. I am so glad I'm not alone...
Ever since I was a little kid, I have felt... different to the other guys in my family. Compared to a lot of my cousins and other relatives, I never really took part in "guy" stuff. In fact I got along and played with the girls mostly. We didn't play girl stuff, but just the usual stuff, running around, catch, hide and seek etc. In fact all through my life I've had better friendships with women than men. I don't know, I also just never got interested in "guy stuff" like watching sports. This is amazing especially considering I've attended only boys' schools up to 6th form. Or probably not so amazing, nothing really surprises me anymore.
Cross dressing. Yes. I've done it. A lot. More than I'd like to admit. I've dressed in my mom's clothes, my cousins clothes and my first and current wife's clothes (I still do and she doesn't know... I think). It felt and feels good, it felt me but when I go out in public and see these pretty (or even ordinary looking) cis women rocking their dresses, yoga pants or even bikinis I feel like that should be me. I would sometimes take my mom's lipstick and put it on. I would even take permanent markers to my lips when dad kicked her out.
Once when I was about 5 my mom caught me trying on her and yelled, "pantyhose is not for boys!!!" I was scared out of my mind. I had one set of cousins who actually put a wig on me and fantasized about me being a girl. I enjoyed that a lot. One time I was overweight with moobs and my mom joked and said she'd buy me a bra for XMas. I was embarrassed and secretly happy at the same time. My mom also bought me a girlish outfit for one of my birthday parties... not sure if she did that on purpose. She probably thought it was cute. I enjoyed it anyway. My dad freaked out. When I look back at the kid pics of when I was little, there was one where I had very long hair (I was about 4). I cherish that one the most. We had others from disneyworld and other places. What seemed odd is that I'd often pose like a girl. I didn't even realize that I was consciously doing it.
Oh and I would cry a lot. I still do. When I am hurt or when I get emotional. I don't know how many guys cry (I suppose a lot do but they hate to admit it).
The first time I heard of the term "sex change" I was deeply intrigued. It was the case of Jowelle DeSouza, a trans woman from Trinidad. I am from there and have always secretly admired her courage to transition, despite public and private mockery of her. Growing a bit older I've always been envious of trans women who were able to transition in early life. Probably almost as much as I envy cis women. But in Trinidad the culture is that being anything but straight and heterosexual makes you an outcast of society. My friends all made jokes about Jowelle and I laughed along but secretly envied her. Truth is that I do envy her, quite a lot.
I have experimented with self medicating shortly but stopped after I realized I wouldn't be able to continue down the path long term. Needless to say after a short while taking what I took, I felt like a whole new person. The physical and mental changes made me feel better than I've ever felt in my entire life, at least until I had to stop. But I had to stop otherwise I'd be outed fairly quickly as I was progressing pretty quickly. I also was scared for my health.
I have watched a lot of porn too but most times I actually fantasized what it would be like to be her... not him. When my wife and I have/had sex I would imagine what it's like to be her once I'm inside. Before going to bed I would meditate and imagine myself to be female. It has become more or less a routine for me now. Even when I take the train and sleep on the train or take a flight and nap I do this. I often wish I would wake up in a female body. Very often in fact.
My teen years and early 20s were difficult, as my mom and dad split pretty early on and I lived with my dad who changed from a loving caring person to someone who just seemed to hate my presence and stopped talking to me. Eventually I got a job, moved out and emigrated to the US. I married wife #1, figuring I'd live a somewhat "normal" life and start over. This was a train wreck of epic proportions. I suffered so much emotional abuse. Eventually she threw me out and I went on my own. I met my current wife, we got married and after a few years and a few rough patches, we settled down and had kids.
Now I'm in my 30s with a pretty decent, stable career, and I think I've done pretty well for myself.
But deep down I am unhappy.
Let me put it this way, and it might sound like a cliche - I am living a lie. This is not who I am. I think transition is not a matter of "if" for me, it's a matter of "when." I want to be complete. I want to be whole. I want to be ME. What I am now is not me.
But "when" is the question... I really love my kids. Almost like a mother to them. I have been with them since they were born. I was the first to feed them and hold them (my wife couldn't breastfeed). In my baby daughter I see the image of me, and what I would have been if I were a cis woman. I would really hate to lose them... I just have this fear that if I come out all hell will break loose and I would lose them. But the clock is also ticking. I'm in my 30s and as you get older, it probably doesn't get any better.
I'm not so worried about work and stuff as I'm very good at what I do and even if I get fired I can find another job. Where I work we have a few gay and lesbian employees. I may have even seen one trans person (FtM) but it's hard to tell these days.
So this is where I am. I think I might end up going and see a therapist and see what they say. Can't hurt to talk, right?
Thanks for listening
