School Starts Tomorrow - Advice?

[iiMTF]

Sorry this is a bit long!

Okay, so basically, my school starts back up tomorrow, August 18th.  In the past years, I have mainly just pretended to like hanging out with the guys. I've always been dissatisfied with that, but now more than ever. After contemplating for hours, I have not found any form of solution. With all the stress I've been going through these past few days, I don't know what to do. I'm just confused. About everything. I have come to a few realizations that I've written in my diary, and they help, but only temporarily.

Friends. This topic is good and bad for me. I have a few close friends. But the problem there is I don't think any of them are the type I can just tell anything and they'll support me. Yet. Infact, I've always been uneasy about one certain close friend, who's name I will not post. We've been friends for seven long years now, and we hang out a lot. But at least once or twice a day somebody comes to me and tells me he's just using me for my good grades. This I do not believe, but I also do believe. On one hand, he's been a great friend. I've, honestly, cried at a party once and went inside, he came in right behind me and helped me. On the other hand, I have literally been told countless times he's using me, by tons of different people! And the fact that everytime we do a 'group project' he happens to be in my group... but I've always figured it's because we're close friends, so that part doesn't mean much to me.

And then theres the bad side of friends. I am not 'well liked', or 'popular', or any of those types of things in any way. To most, I am considered a 'nerd'. This, to me, is because of two things. My grades; I've never missed an A in my life, I've always had all advanced classes, and I'm even take algebra honors, a class you take in 9th grade, in 7th grade. (sorry if I'm not supposed to post my grade since I'm a minor. Go ahead and edit that out if you need too.) Of course, this is a good thing, but also not so much when all you want to do is fit in. Right now, that's a big priority of mine. To fit in. Then the other reason; I'm shy. Well, at school, that is. Out of school I'm like a hyper chipmunk on drugs. In school, however, I have never been one to call out random things like the other kids, or laugh at some completely inappropriate or relatively odd thing that comes out of a piers mouth. I blame my shyness on the school, actually. The only reason I'm shy is because I don't want to break a school rule. My permanent record will not be ruined by some stupid idea in middle school.

Here are some obstacles;

-My shyness. (see above)

-My small amount of friends. (see above)

-Bullying. This topic is different. I do not care for what bullies say about me, I do not care in the least. However, when I was bullied last year, the bully seemed to notice I wasn't caring. I was just going about my day. So he started to do something terrible (that I refuse to report to the police. I'd prefer not to get them involved, I really don't have room for more stress). He started hitting me. He literally went and brought physical violence to the table. I have spoken with the dean four different times, each time he just let it go because the bully acted like a perfect little angel whenever the dean was around. Actually, the bully almost got me in trouble with the dean once, but I won't go into detail.

Now, these are just a few obstacles. Not even the biggest ones. I have plenty more, I just haven't sorted them out as much yet so I won't post them now.

Thanks, and if anybody has any advice for me, PLEASE help! I don't know what to do, so I just could really use some advice. If I could describe how I'm feeling right now, in three words, this is it: Confused. About everything.

Thanks..
-L

[cynthialee]

These people you know in school will have no meaning for you in your adult life. You will only remember a handful of their names and only in a passing thought.

Keep your head down, your eyes open and stay at the school work grind. There is no reason to come out at this point. Until you start to actually physically change or your wardrobe changes no one will have a clue.

I remember being a youth and I remember how epic and life changing things seemed. Not really it turns out.
As for your 'permanent record'....
sigh
They been using that line to freak out and control kids for a couple centuries...
So long as you are good, get proper grades and don't break the law you are golden. There is no worry that you making a smart remark to a teacher in middle school is going to haunt you into adult life.
Your school records only have your grades and classes taken, when and where. 
Lighten up.

[iiMTF]

Okay.

About the permanent record thing; Then they're doing a heck of a bad job at it! Most everyone I know doesn't give a crud about it.

I'll give it a try and get back to you on how it went after day 1, if that sounds good to you.

-L

P.S. I got to 15 posts, so I can PM and stuff now =3

[cynthialee]

right on

[Gabrielle_22]

If you don't want to come out just yet (and you need to consider your safety and how it will affect your mental health before doing so), perhaps you can do some small things over the first week to see how people take them? I don't know how you present normally, but if you usually look like the average guy in your school, you could slowly add things to your appearance to feminise it: a piece of small subtle jewelry, a dash of a subtle perfume/fragrance, a messenger bag that looks somewhat like a purse, subtle bits of makeup (or even just a tinted lip balm that doesn't show up too much, like the ones from Burt's Bees), etc. I have no idea if any of this is up your alley, but these small gestures can both help you feel more like yourself and allow other people to see a more androgynous/feminine side of you. Do this for a while, and, if you don't get harassed for it, you might find coming out to some people slightly smoother.

You can also try talking to your friends about trans* news stories or media involving trans* persons (like Orange Is the New Black) to see how they respond to them.

Just be careful, and try to take slow steps. Hope everything works out for you! 

Gabby

[iiMTF]

*Sigh* ... Today was the most stressful day of my life. And this was only Day 3 for me. Is it going to get worse?!

Here's how it began. I was in my brothers room, leaning against his door frame. We were in the middle of a conversation when suddenly, my vision started to go blurry. In moments, my world went black. There was music going when it happened, but the music just... stopped. I no longer heard anything. I felt pain, but I didn't register it. I didn't know how long I was out. But when I came to, I noticed two things immediately: My head HURT! Also, that I was on my brothers floor. The last thing I remembered I was in my room, not his, so I had no idea how I got there. It took about a minute to register that I had been in his room, I remembered leaning on the door frame. Then I realized that I had fainted, which had never happened to me before. Judging by the change of scene, and how far the music had gotten since the last time I was conscious, I guessed it had been about a minute, though it had only felt like a few seconds. I immediately told my mom, who said I probably needed to eat and drink. I agreed; all I had yesterday was half a doughnut and a few bites of baked zidi, or however you spell it. I quickly figured out the faint was the effect of an effect of an effect of a cause. The cause was this trans thing. The first effect; depression. The depression lead to me not eating. The not eating led me to fainting, if what my mom said was right.

The next terrible thing about my day. My mom took me to get my hair cut despite my protest. I was trying to grow it out a little.

Next up in line. After getting my hair cut, we went to a shopping center, in order to get *guess what... more boy clothes!* That included a shirt, a book bag, and a new pair of shoes.

Then finally, what happened during we went through these seven stores to get THREE things total? I felt tired, when I walked for just more than ten or twenty seconds I started to get really tired, it was just hard to continue on. The same thing happened when I stood still. I felt like I was going to collapse at any second (which, fortunately, I didn't). My stomach felt like it was just all air where it should be organs. I was taking a lot of deep breaths; that helped.

I almost forgot. I seemed to be really stressing my mom out as well... Now I feel bad. .-.

So, obviously, a wonderful day. .-.
*Sigh*

-L

[iiMTF]

Sorry if I seem a bit rude in my last post, I know I'm not the unluckiest person in the world, nor am I just on this forum. I just needed to get that out...

.-.

-L

[cynthialee]

Well then eat silly!


Even if your mom and dad were to walk into your room and say "sweetie we know all about your need to transition and we are on board, we called a doctor" it would still be slow. There would be the entire logistics of everything to take into consideration. You wouldn't be able to enter school as female tomorrow.
Depression is very common in our circles. Part and parcel of a society that does not value us...We do what we can to reduce the stresses of life. I clean and read when I feel it coming on. Sometimes a funny movie or playing a game can work wonders for me.

Do you have any female friends? Any sisters older than you? Aunts? Cousins?
If it is stressing you to hang with boys, find female friends. If you have to defend your actions to the guys for hanging out with the girls, just say "yeah like I really want to hang out in this sausagefest instead of with a girl, sure thing dudes..." lol

[iiMTF]

... Few problems.

First; I can't eat. I've tried, I just can't. I can explain that in more detail if you'd like.

Second; I never said I wanted to walk in tomorrow female. I never said I expected things to go fast. I know it's a slow process. The problem with the boy clothes was I didn't want more. I just want to work with what I have 'til I'm ready. I. Do. Not. Want. More. >.<

I do have a few female friends, but none of them are close friends. All of my close friends are boys. Sadly, I have no sisters. I have one brother and that is all. My only aunt that lives near me (all of my other ones live a few states away, In Maryland, where I was born) is drunk... constantly. She does not care for talking to kids or helping anyone (though she has four kids herself...). She really only hangs out with other drunk adults. Cousins. I do have one female cousin close to me, as I mentioned before, my entire family except for three little parts (my family, cousins family, and grandpa) live in Maryland. My cousin is only a year older than me; and I've been with her instead of my male cousins my entire life, whenever we come over. I'll continue to hang out with her, but we don't visit much. About once a month, I'd say.

The pizza man just got here with.. wait for it... pizza (you never would of guessed that!), so bbl.

-L

[LivingTheDream]

Have you talked to your parents yet about this?

As for fainting, I would definitely want to see a doctor about that because it can be caused by a lot of things. I would just be so worried about it that even I would want to see a doc about it.

Why can't you eat?

[Gabrielle_22]

Your hair will grow back. Does your mother really understand why you want it long? If she does not, it might be worth it to talk to her, especially if she knows you are feeling depressed. Or if you want to grow out your hair without talking to her about being trans*, maybe find a male figure you can tell her you want to style your hair like and see what she says? Sorry--I don't have enough context to provide much more helpful feedback.

Is it possible to get closer to your female friends, since you said you have some already? And if you can, try bringing up a transgender-related issue around them and see how they react, and from there perhaps you can "come out" to them, if that will make you feel better.

Also, sorry if I've missed this, but does your mother have any idea that you are transgender?

Also, if you are dealing with moderate depression, perhaps you can get your mother to find you a counselor or you can find one on your own, and, if you can keep things confidential between your counselor and you, you can tell her or him about your gender identity. From there, your counselor may be able to set you on a clearer path.

[Emily1996]

Hello =)

I'm in kinda of a similar situation but I'm a little older and I go to high school instead! So if you want to come out of the closet you should tr to speak with your counselor and tell them that you want to feel safe and be yourself... Maybe you can ask to use the girls bathroom or something I don't know if it's possible at your school but if you start presenting as a girl and you live in a public school it should be possible, as they have to make accommodations or your gender identity.

Talk to your family if they seem to be supportive and ask them if you can transition (grow your hair longer, get female clothes, shoes, maybe make up).

Kids in Middle School can be really mean so I suggest you to wait if you feel like you don't want to rush things, so that they don't have to know  Just wait and you will be yourself in the future. My family doesn't support me, and although we have a GSA at my school, there is some homophobia from my classmates against one of the gay teacher we have (the only one). Plus, being trans is way less approached than being gay or lesbian. I would not come out if I wasn't sure that the school or family supported me...

[iiMTF]

As promised yesterday, here's how my first day went:

It was good, I was fine. I'm in all the same classes as my closest friend, so that's good. I was a bit oversensitive today, though. (not so much as to say something about it, I kept quiet) I won't go into detail now, it's stupid, I'm just oversensitive, just felt like mentioning that. All in all, the day was good. My teachers are nice, or at least, as far as I know after one day.

LivingTheDream, about the eating;

Basically, I just get this feeling like I'm full. Constantly. I haven't felt hungry once since Saturday. Then, when I try to eat anyways, my stomach hurts and my brain is just yelling, 'no, stop eating!'. This has been going on since Saturday, which is the day after I found out about what all this stuff is, and the forums. I didn't even know what a transgender was on Thursday.

Gabby, about my mom;

No. My mom hasn't the slightest idea. I had hoped to talk to her about it today, but so far I haven't found a good time. I'll try to find sometime today to talk to her, but I'm trying to:

A. Talk to her when she isn't really mad at somebody/something.. (sometimes my parents argue, but it's just natural family arguing. never any physical violence involved or anything)

B. Talk to her when my dad isn't home. This is because I want to talk to them separately, and waiting for when he leaves minimizes the chance of him overhearing. Then, when I tell my dad, (given that my mom supports me) my mom helps, sitting in with the conversation. My dad tends to dismiss everything like this as 'stupid', and I need to 'forget it and do what I'm supposed to'. In these situations my mom is good at getting him out of that, so. Of course, this situation is far more serious then past ones, so I doubt he'll even take it as stupid in the first place.

Sorry I posted this a little late, I meant to post it two hours ago then my friend called me on Skype, so I've been playing with him ever since. Still am. =3

-L