Is Anyone Here to Talk?

[SpaceMutie]

I am a teenage transboy living in an interesting family situation. I have come out to my mother as trans recently, and she refused to accept me. She said that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I was romanticizing the fact that I find male clothing and such more comfortable for me. She's then preceded to ignore the issue, no matter how often I bring up that it is important to me. I don't know what to do... I don't have any peers at school because it's a conservative private school, not to mention my mother teaches there and can watch me throughout the day. Though I take medicine for my anxiety, I still feel so sick in my body and can't do anything about it. My school requires uniforms, so I must wear a skirt, which makes me really nervous. I just wish I could end it. I'm so tired of looking at myself and feeling disgusting. Can anyone help me?

[mrs izzy]

Welcome to Susan's family SpaceMutie

I would suggest maybe you go to a local planned parenthood. They should be able to help you find some support to work through the issues. If you feel the you can not take it anymore please call a crisis hotline or get yourself asap to the local hospital for help. It truly is not the answer and life has been proven by others to be happy.
Also see if the local collage has a lgbtq center that may have support groups?

Make sure you check out the FTM side of the forum, many also here having the same issues. Its hard, transition is hard and we have to be stronger then the fears.

Please read over the following links for the site info...

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Safe passage on your path
Izzy

[SpaceMutie]

Thank you very much for your suggestion, m'am, I really appreciate the help. At least knowing that someone somewhere is looking out for me feels nice.

[Jessica Merriman]

LGBT support places are wonderful and many offer legal services, voice training and much more. They could help a lot with school issue's such as dress, proper name recognition and bathroom issue's. Give your local one a call and see what they offer. 

[Jess42]

Sometimes parents just have the ideal picture of you and how they want you to be. But we are all individuals and need what we need and want to be who we want to be. Sometimes that goes totally against what our parents see for us. Mine wanted me to be a professional and it almost happened. But not what they were expecting.

Yeah but mrs izzy is right, and Jessica is right. Try to find a support group. And realize once you are 18 you can be who you wanna be. If I was a lawyer I would probably have been an ambulance ->-bleeped-<-, and I would much rather be a semi, nonprofessional musician that has actually starved at one time or another than chasing ambulances.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi SpaceMutie,

Is your anxiety medicine on prescription, or over the counter? If it's prescription, speak to your health professional who issues it and talk to them about local support/therapy outlets. If your mother attends these health professional sessions, ask her to respect your privacy so you can speak alone with him/her.

If your medicine is over the counter, tell your mother you want counselling to address the matter. You don't want to suppress it with mind altering drugs.

Stay connected and let us know how you're coping.

Huggs
Catherine

[SpaceMutie]

For everyone's questions, for my anxiety medications, I do go see a psychiatrist about it for her to ask my moods and to adjust my dosage if needed. She has recommended that I go see a therapist at some points, and, through research, I have found that there is a therapist specialized in trans patients that is nearby to my school. However, she's been refusing to let me go. Also, I do have one group that I go to every Tuesday, but my worry is that, with school starting, Mother is saying that she is too busy to take me anywhere, much less to therapy.

[Jess42]

For everyone's questions, for my anxiety medications, I do go see a psychiatrist about it for her to ask my moods and to adjust my dosage if needed. She has recommended that I go see a therapist at some points, and, through research, I have found that there is a therapist specialized in trans patients that is nearby to my school. However, she's been refusing to let me go. Also, I do have one group that I go to every Tuesday, but my worry is that, with school starting, Mother is saying that she is too busy to take me anywhere, much less to therapy.

Well at least you have support here SpaceMutie. A whole lot of experience on this sight. A whole or of age ranges and whole lot of compassion and empathy. A whole lot of us have been through what you are going through. Maybe you and your mother need to see your psychiatrist together.

[SpaceMutie]

Thank you so much, Jess42. It means so much to me that I have somebody. I've felt so alone for such a long time now, and I... can't even express how much it means to me, gee. I'm getting all emotional over this.

[Jess42]

Thank you so much, Jess42. It means so much to me that I have somebody. I've felt so alone for such a long time now, and I... can't even express how much it means to me, gee. I'm getting all emotional over this.

No problem sweety. You have family here and the longer you stay, the more you'll see that. No need to suffer through it alone. You have a lot of brothers and sisters here. Maybe not genetic siblings but we all have one thing in common.

[JulieBlair]

Hey kiddo,
None of us can do this alone, but there is no limit to what we can do when we stick together.   Never give up on who you are.

Fair winds,
Julie

[SpaceMutie]

An update, which sounds crazy considering how recently I just posted this: My mother and I have been in a feud about me shaving my legs, which I do not do often because, strange as it sounds, it makes me feel naked. However, it reached a turning point today, because I start school tomorrow and she 'refused to have people see my gross legs'. So, today, she went to work with my father, leaving me and my grandmother in the morning. I had to shave my legs. I still feel like my legs are burning from the stuff she used on them, it's a brand I couldn't see that's meant to take off hair without a razor. Apparently, it also makes my skin burn like hellfire. Not to mention I'm very, um, uncomfortable with them right now. I just thought I'd say so... because I feel like you're the only people who're interested in my opinions at the moment. So yeah. Woohoo.

[JulieBlair]

You used a defoliating cream like Nair and a razor?  OUCH

Everything takes getting used to even something as simple as having silky smooth legs.  Your legs are not gross, you are neither gross nor are you wrong.  Your parents can make this very difficult for you, but there is a community of people who get it.  I hope that helps.

Hang in there,

Julie

[pianoforte]

Never forget that when you get out of your parents influence, you can be yourself more than ever before. This could happen when you turn 18, or when you move out, when you get your first job, when you go to college, or even when you just decide to stand up and claim your freedom.

When this happens is different for everyone. For me, it started when I graduated high school. Then I felt freer and freer as I got my first car, moved out, started college, etc. I am now in a stage of still trying to stand up and say to their faces, "I am not a girl, I will not be called a girl, and I will not respond to any more requests to be ladylike!"

I started this last stage by cutting my hair really short, and it feels amazing.

I have been in a place similar to where you are. I did not have to wear a school uniform, and I am not sure to what degree anti-sexism laws effect dress codes, but you may have a case for being allowed to wear the uniform pants.

My family did not let me see a therapist either - and I have not been able to afford one since. But you may be able to see someone for free. See if the trans issues therapist in your area offers any pro bono or sliding scale services.

It is also possible to see someone without your parents knowing. I don't know your level of freedom to roam, but you may want to check a local public school or youth center for resources. Some places have support groups that may be centered on other issues (suxch as anxiety) but might point out that they are trans-inclusive. So your mom could drop you off at your anxiety support group, but maybe while you are there you can get a chance to talk through your frustrations and your hopes and your gender identity.

Parents can be tricky, especially when they have eyes and ears everywhere you go. If it is not possible for you to explore or express your identity safely at home, it may be worth it to wait, and to survive all of the harmful, embarrassinf, and just plain wrong stuff they make you do.

I haven't shaved my legs since I moved out. I no longer own any skirts. I am still alive after all the forced femininity they put me through. It is possible.

It can lead to more anxiety and depression than you thought you could handle, but you can still survive.

Everyone here has survived something. Everyone here will support your ability to survive.

I believe that you will be okay.
P
I'm still working on "okay" myself, but it keeps getting better and better.

[Jess42]

An update, which sounds crazy considering how recently I just posted this: My mother and I have been in a feud about me shaving my legs, which I do not do often because, strange as it sounds, it makes me feel naked. However, it reached a turning point today, because I start school tomorrow and she 'refused to have people see my gross legs'. So, today, she went to work with my father, leaving me and my grandmother in the morning. I had to shave my legs. I still feel like my legs are burning from the stuff she used on them, it's a brand I couldn't see that's meant to take off hair without a razor. Apparently, it also makes my skin burn like hellfire. Not to mention I'm very, um, uncomfortable with them right now. I just thought I'd say so... because I feel like you're the only people who're interested in my opinions at the moment. So yeah. Woohoo.

Ouch, some of those defoliating creams can do more damage than good depending on how sensitive your skin is. It will tell you on the directions to try it on a small test patch of your skin to make sure you're not allergic to it. I tried it and must be allergic to it cause it burned the crap out of me.

Just look forward to a date like the day you turn 18. Make your some plans and give yourself some ideas. My problem wasn't parents but the Army for 4 years so I know how bad it feels sometimes stifling your self expression.

[Taka]

i think you should talk to one of your doctors about how your mother forced you to use a defoliating cream without even testing for allergy first. this kind of behavior is considered child abuse in many western countries, and it is not ok of her to do it. you could potentially have suffered severe skin damage or potentially life threatening allergic reactions. your mother may have a right to decide what kind of medical care you can get while you're still a minor, but that gives her more responsibility as well.

and for your mother's information, hairy legs aren't gross! i've seen hairy girl legs that looked much better than most hairless ones.
(not saying you're a girl, just...)

and it isn't strange at all. shaving makes you naked. i shave once a week in winter, and that's on the day i go to the swimming pool. on other days i'd rather keep the little fur i have to fend off the cold. if legs were meant to be shaved, girls would be born with a razor in their hand.

[SpaceMutie]

I really do understand with the shaving ideas, Taka, as I guess shaving's never bothered me even before I came to realize that I was a transgendered boy. Quite frankly, it's been silly for me since I was a little kid, but I guess that's something Mother and I don't agree on. One of many things. I just hope she quits changing her mind and begins to actually tell me what she wants instead of relying on phone calls and authority to manage things.

[Jess42]

I really do understand with the shaving ideas, Taka, as I guess shaving's never bothered me even before I came to realize that I was a transgendered boy. Quite frankly, it's been silly for me since I was a little kid, but I guess that's something Mother and I don't agree on. One of many things. I just hope she quits changing her mind and begins to actually tell me what she wants instead of relying on phone calls and authority to manage things.

I really hate to tell you this SpaceMutie but, even if I were a "real" man I would still shave. It is way cleaner and smells a lot better at the end of the day. OMG I had a boyfriend one time that was extremely hairy, Italian, and iot seemed like he would shed all over my sheets and everything else. Yuck. But... That is all I will say is but.... Well the pros far outnumbered the cons.

[SpaceMutie]

I suppose that it's all a matter of opinion, and of personal preference for everyone. Some people enjoy having it for cleanliness and it does promote health in some areas. But, I suppose that it's not something that I consider important for me because I feel better. When I shave, I feel like I'm missing something and I also tend to scratch at it until I bleed both due to nerves and also sensitivity. Thank you for telling me, I'd never considered it something for hygiene until I asked around.

[Taka]

washing properly every day makes it less of a hygiene question, and more one of aesthetics.
if it itches, try shaving in the growth direction. i do that, had to give up on anything else. it helps a lot, though doesn't get as smooth.
not like you need perfectly smooth legs, as long as they look smooth for your mother.
instead of ordinary skin cream, see if you can find pure shea butter, unrefined if possible, maybe mix it with some coconut oil and coca butter. they feel like putting on a thin layer of protective clothing, help the skin recover, and often stop itches. coconut oil is very anti bacterial, and shouldn't be used excessively on other skin areas than those where smelly bacteria thrive, like under the arms. those oils are edible, you might find mixes of them near the butter shelf at a grocery store if you can't find them in a place that sells health foods. you can also use oil or soap instead of all kinds of nasty creams when shaving.

this isn't really the type of advice you need most right now, but if you don't get any choice of whether or not to shave, at least you can choose the less painful way of doing so. don't let your mother touch your legs again, she doesn't seem to have the slightest idea what she's doing.