do you think we as trans expect too much from the cis (potential trigger)

[stephaniec]

Good God Stephanie. Don't tell me I am gonna have to bring you out of your shell. You, Jessica and I need to get together for a Girl's night out since we are all abut the same age. Can you say road trip to Vegas or LA? three rich men and we'll all be set for life, unless all three would go for you and Jessica and Id' be up crap creek. Haven't ya'll ever hear that saying about experience and cougars are in big time, trans or straight. Atrophy, smatrophy. That is all I will say, 'cause mine has never worked right either. But guys don't care as much about that as smooth skin, looking good in makeup and two little things on the chest.

Seriously tough. A really wise lady told me over the weekend to stop beating myself up and I am gonna' pass that info to you now. Quit beating yourself up.

I think we can find some rich men in Telluride Colorado with skiing season approaching

[Jess42]

I think we can find some rich men in Telluride Colorado with skiing season approaching

Yeah but not yet though. I know Vegas and I know parts of LA. Telluride is a big question makrk but Trinidad now. That used to be the place to go. Now I think it may be Denver. I haven't the slightest idea how to ski but I will be the resort bunny though.

[stephaniec]

Yeah but not yet though. I know Vegas and I know parts of LA. Telluride is a big question makrk but Trinidad now. That used to be the place to go. Now I think it may be Denver. I haven't the slightest idea how to ski but I will be the resort bunny though.

who said skiing, mountain  top bars and fire places

[mrs izzy]

who said skiing, mountain  top bars and fire places

I am in.

[Jess42]

who said skiing, mountain  top bars and fire places

Exactly. No broken bones but be my luck I would trip and fall down the stairs and still break a leg.

[dalebert]

...no one is obligated to date transgender people if that isn't there preference and it doesn't make them a bad person;

Right. People have preferences and orientations. If one's particular appearance doesn't fit that for them, then they can't really help that.

...although, I wish the jokes and constant violent imagery some people use when hypothetically talking about dating one of us would cease.

This. I don't think this expectation should be lowered. In general, we should have the expectation that people treat others with respect, at least up and until someone proves they don't deserve that respect. You know, like politicians and car salesmen.  And this principle applies to anyone. If you're not "into" someone, there are tactful ways of declining that should be used. It's basic human decency.

[jeninindiana]

I think its a good idea NOT to tell your love interest that you are a "transwoman" until after he has fallen in love with you not before. everything up until then is the process of falling in love there is a time and a place to share that and if he is not in love with you then his willingness to be open minded to anything negative about you is greatly reduced . universal truth for all women no matter what gender you were born as ... a man who is completely in love will accept you and any flaws you may have become irrelevant including anything in your past , but he has to get to that point first .

[stephaniec]

I think its a good idea NOT to tell your love interest that you are a "transwoman" until after he has fallen in love with you . everything up until then is the process of falling in love there is a time and a place to share that and if he is not in love with you then his willingness to be open minded to anything negative about you is greatly reduced . a man who is in love will accept you including anything in your past but he has to get to that point first .

I'd really like to get to that point  in transition where one couldn't tell. tough question though on when to tell.

[suzifrommd]

I think its a good idea NOT to tell your love interest that you are a "transwoman" until after he has fallen in love with you not before. everything up until then is the process of falling in love there is a time and a place to share that and if he is not in love with you then his willingness to be open minded to anything negative about you is greatly reduced . universal truth for all women no matter what gender you were born as ... a man who is completely in love will accept you and any flaws you may have become irrelevant including anything in your past , but he has to get to that point first .

But how does true love (not puppy love, infatuation, or lust) grow without trust? And how can a truly trusting relationship happen when I'm withholding a huge part of my past and shutting my partner off from experiences that had a big part in shaping my life?

[Miyuki]

I think this is one of those things where you can look at it as a glass half full or half empty. Yes, being trans makes it much more difficult to date and have meaningful relationships. I haven't ever even tried, due to issues with body dysphoria. But if and when I do decide to start dating, at least I will know that if I ever find someone who really cares about me, it will be all the more meaningful, because they decided I was someone worth caring about in spite of being trans. ...Unless that was their fetish, which is something I'd try to avoid like the plague. But if a cisgendered person (of either gender) decided I was worth caring about enough to spend the rest of their life with me, in spite of not normally being interested in transpeople, I would know that we had something real.

[jeninindiana]

but why let being "trans" define you ? if you have had reassignment surgery you are a woman so why not just be "a woman" and let that define you .... and allow love to just happen ?  i absolutely do think that people can fall in love without knowing every single last thing about the other person and being in love simply makes a person not care about things you become a perfect woman in the eyes of the one who loves you and nothing will change that and they will overlook many things that they would not have been willing to accept before . you should be honest but not telling every single secret about yourself is not really being dishonest I say wait till after hes head over heels in love rendered helpless to your charms and then tell him then he wont care it doesn't hurt a girl to be strategic

[Ltl89]

I think its a good idea NOT to tell your love interest that you are a "transwoman" until after he has fallen in love with you not before. everything up until then is the process of falling in love there is a time and a place to share that and if he is not in love with you then his willingness to be open minded to anything negative about you is greatly reduced . universal truth for all women no matter what gender you were born as ... a man who is completely in love will accept you and any flaws you may have become irrelevant including anything in your past , but he has to get to that point first .

Yeah, but what about small things like kissing and stuff like that? I mean love is a serious step that requires really getting to know someone.  I would imagine a lot of men would feel betrayed to discover their partner is trans after they had fallen for them.  Not all guys are like that, nor is it really a betryal/deception in my eyes, but this seems like the most likely response. That being said, I do think a few dates or maybe a harmless kiss before may be okay.  I don't know.  So many things to think about when it comes to safety.

I'd really like to get to that point  in transition where one couldn't tell. tough question though on when to tell.

That's what I am hoping for and waiting on.  I really hope that one day happens as it's frustrating to put my who life on hold while my image catches up.

[suzifrommd]

you should be honest but not telling every single secret about yourself is not really being dishonest

I agree.

Mentioning that in 50 years of my history, the things I'm doing are being done by a mail, is not "telling every single secret". It's giving an accurate description of pretty much my entire life.

My college years: Do I hide the gender of my roommate when telling college stories? My marriage: Do I not disclose that my marriage was a heterosexual marriage (in 1992 when gay marriage was illegal everywhere) or somehow hide the gender of my spouse? My childhood: Do I hide the fact that my toys were boy's toys, that my friends were boys doing boy things, and that I was socialized as a boy?

How do I talk honestly and openly about my past while hiding these details?

[Susan522]

"But guys don't care as much about that as smooth skin, looking good in makeup and two little things on the chest.

If by "that" you mean sex. I think you are seriously fooling yourself or are from some other planet, "far away and long"

My experience would cause me to agree with Jeninindiana that waiting, until there is some level of affection and potential for commitment, is the best course of action.

On the other hand, the prospect of a less than positive reaction might depend of one's definition of "transwoman".  If you are speaking about someone who has a transsexual history, (IE: Fully transitioned and post SRS), the reaction could be different if the individual is still something "other than"...."cis"(?)

Just my own personal observation, given my own personal experience.  YMMV

[Miyuki]

but why let being "trans" define you ? if you have had reassignment surgery you are a woman so why not just be "a woman" and let that define you .... and allow love to just happen ?  i absolutely do think that people can fall in love without knowing every single last thing about the other person and being in love simply makes a person not care about things you become a perfect woman in the eyes of the one who loves you and nothing will change that and they will overlook many things that they would not have been willing to accept before . you should be honest but not telling every single secret about yourself is not really being dishonest I say wait till after hes head over heels in love rendered helpless to your charms and then tell him then he wont care it doesn't hurt a girl to be strategic

Well in my case at least, I'm not exactly unclockable. If I were going to start dating, it would be extremely naive to assume people would not know I was trans. But even if that weren't the case, this isn't exactly a small detail that I would be comfortable omitting. Doing so would just feel like a huge act of deception, which is not a good way to start any relationship. Even if I was on a date with someone who didn't know I was trans, I would feel obligated to tell them before anything happened. And if they are the kind of person who would refuse to see me again because I was trans, then that would be for the best wouldn't it? Why would I even want to date someone that was transphobic in the first place?

[stephaniec]

it's definitely a conundrum  , if I was invisible I would definitely have a blast with it. the thing is  for me personally , lf I was post op and wanted a deep intimate  relationship   and having been male at one time  I would know how this is perceived and would disclose for the selfish reason of my own sanity.

[jeninindiana]

I just think it would be a wiser course of action to let love bloom first and to just be a woman and let it happen and not be so focused on the "trans" I think the big dark secret will be a lot less relevant (or most likely completely irrelevant) if strong emotions are involved but lacking those strong emotions I think many men would hesitate to become involved further or give it a chance . don't make things more complicated than they need to be but if telling men right away that you are trans is working out for you then stick with it and be happy if not then you might want to do things differently . im sure everyone can agree that love and personal happiness is the goal whatever works to make that happen is all good ~ all is fair in love and war

[stephaniec]

I just think it would be a wiser course of action to let love bloom first and to just be a woman and let it happen and not be so focused on the "trans" I think the big dark secret will be a lot less relevant (or most likely completely irrelevant) if strong emotions are involved but lacking those strong emotions I think many men would hesitate to become involved further or give it a chance . don't make things more complicated than they need to be but if telling men right away that you are trans is working out for you then stick with it and be happy if not then you might want to do things differently . im sure everyone can agree that love and personal happiness is the goal whatever works to make that happen is all good ~ all is fair in love and war

there is also the possibility that if that attraction that causes them interest stays there if your upfront and show them your honesty along with your physical attractiveness

[Natalie]

I think a lot of transsexual women do. Sex reassignment surgery leaves one "depth restricted" if one is dating a man so quite literally the size of his man parts matters. If one's vagina only has a 5 inch depth the furthest that thing is going to go is 5 inches, not 5.25 or 5.5; FIVE. So what about then your new partner has a 7 or 8 inch man part? What then? Butthole sex is not the new vagina and I am not a huge fan of anal sex personally so it's a big deal. It's just the reality of the cards primates like us are dealt in life.

[Jess42]

I think its a good idea NOT to tell your love interest that you are a "transwoman" until after he has fallen in love with you not before. everything up until then is the process of falling in love there is a time and a place to share that and if he is not in love with you then his willingness to be open minded to anything negative about you is greatly reduced . universal truth for all women no matter what gender you were born as ... a man who is completely in love will accept you and any flaws you may have become irrelevant including anything in your past , but he has to get to that point first .

Because that could be an extremely dangerous situation. If they fall for you and believe you to be a ciswoman they fell in love with and then one day up and so, "Oh BTW sweetheart, I am a transwoman."

A really honest relationship with someone special has to be built on trust. No, they don't have to know every little thing about your past but that isn't really a little thing though. What if he flips out or ends up being transphobic and says, "Wait a minute and let me bash your head in."

Not to mention if you fall for someone and they fall for you, it is really extremely hard to hide the past and the past will bite you in the butt every time. Families, your history and so on will have to eventually be in the mix. Remember this person may fall for you no matter what and if it is a long term relationship it is always better to be up front. Or would you rather fall hard for someone and really care for them and find our later, hopefully without any violence, that you totally disgust and they actually hate you because of their views and phobias? Me personally I would feel like I would be betraying them which not only may hurt them but break my own heart if I fell in love with them.

This is must my opinion though and how I do things. Yeah some lose interest and some keep interest and some it actually peaks their interest.