How important is hiding your past

[Cin]

How important is keeping your past hidden in passing?

It seems to me that people start looking for 'former gender traits' or 'obvious signs of the past' as soon as they know someone is a trans MTF or FTM and not Cis. Even if someone passes very well and even if there's nothing there or very little left of what was. I can't speak for everyone, but I saw something on another site. it wasn't a transgender support site, someone posted a picture and the question was 'Do I pass?' and she seemed perfectly Cis to me..... but then I read the comment under her picture, and she was trans, so.... I'm guilty of the same thing too. Then I sort of looking for any signs, as well.. I feel really bad about it, but I realized what I was doing.

I think we can all agree that passing is important, but not everything... as long as you're happy in your skin. There is more to life than just good looks or beauty.... but the more you pass, the better your chances of having a 'normal' life socially, and you're less likely to grab the attention of people who're extremely judgmental.

There are so many people on this planet, and everyone can't get to know everyone else personally, so sadly, another person's looks are all people have to judge. People do judge a book by it's cover, in other words, you can only know so many people personally, and judge them by character, but the rest.... you have to work with what you got, if you're judgmental that is, and a lot of people are judgmental.   

I guess this last question is for the people who have transitioned and/or living full time as their real gender, but did you make a conscious effort to distance yourself from your past, maybe even break ties with people who were once your friends or family who might reveal your past to someone ? Did you move out of your home town maybe?

[Beverly]

I used to think that hiding my past was super-important. These days I care a lot less, but I do not advertise my past or my trans-ness because I dislike the often intrusive questioning I get.

Most people are curious rather than rude but I generally answer one or two questions then I usually say "It is not something I like to talk about" and I just stop there. Most people take the hint.

[Jill F]

I live in Los Angeles.  Selling my house and moving was not an option, nor was interacting with an entirely new set of people.   I think I pass more or less, but I just assume everyone sort of knows and I carry on.   Sometimes people remember me from before, sometimes they clearly don't.  I literally know hundreds of people and it turned out that most of them are cool with me.   The ones who aren't, well, at least I know what they're made of and know not to waste my time with them now.

There was a day about 2 months into HRT that I decided that transition was 100% necessary, ran out of sh*ts to give about what anyone else thought, went full time and never looked back.  That night I proudly walked into my favorite gastropub wearing a maxi dress, looked my bartender friend in the eye and said, "So I'm trans." 

A few weeks later, I was looking a lot better and we went to another restaurant that we frequent.  The hostess asked my wife, "Where's your husband tonight?"  I waved at her and watched her jaw hit the floor.

I am trans, I am not ashamed of it, and I live my life the way I want.  If people have a problem, it's THEIR problem, not mine.

[Tessa James]

My experience and observation of others on this journey is that our age and past life are big factors.  If someone transitions as a teenager and is very passable why should their birth assigned label rule their future?  Why wouldn't someone transitioning as a 20, 30 or 40 year old want to forget about the pain of living in limbo?  We are talking about going stealth to some degree here.  For some of us our past is something to trash.  Some will legitimately go to great lengths to diminish our past and destroy pictures and any reference to our former life.  That's not who I am now!  I wanted to burn every bit of male clothing in my closet at one point.  I find it interesting to now experience the difference in people who have only known me as Tessa and others who are aware of my past.  It is harder for that later group to forget about and let go of those past images. 

Biology is not destiny.  We have very successful methods to assist us in being our real selves.  Of course there is employment, dating and other social aspects that weigh on us.

And then the reality of this modern digital age is that we may never be able to totally erase the records of our past life.  How many of us want to go from living as our assigned at birth identity to hiding it forever?  Living in fear of disclosure sounds like the same hell I gave up two years ago. Being an old thang I am happy to acknowledge being a transgender person with a substantial past life that I am OK with owning.  "He" carried me a long time and did the best with what I had.   No Shame in that And no hiding for me!

[Blue Senpai]

It depends but the past will come to light some way or another, especially if you're famous.

[Cin]

Thanks for all the replies.

I feel like I'm distancing myself from everyone and closing myself to new relationships at the moment, but I don't really know why, but it started 3 years ago, I had so many more friends before that, but very few these days. maybe it's because I'm tired of lying and pretending to people, or maybe I feel like there'd be less people to deal with later. Hey but it's just me.

I often think about being myself and not caring about what other people think, but then I see or hear about something that scares me, and I'm being honest here. I wouldn't mind people knowing about my past, but I wish they could get to know me first, only then will they realize that I've always been the same person inside.

[Tessa James]

You might just find that others will consider the true you even more interesting.   When we are revealing, vulnerable and open they can reciprocate in kind.  It is a better world that may yet feature people wanting to see and know each other without restrictive labels eh?

I admire you and anyone that acknowledges what remains constant in our life of dynamic change.  Quite an exercise somedays

[Jenna Marie]

I made no effort to hide my past or my transition; same job, same friends, same family, same location. I wasn't willing to sacrifice any part of my life to try to escape my history.

Weirdly, though, a few years later and it takes a special effort TO tell anyone I'm trans. It rarely comes up, either in conversation with me or with anyone who knows about my previous life. It's just not relevant 99% of the time anymore. I can easily imagine that in 10, 20, 30 more years, almost nobody I meet post-transition will know even though I'm not at all trying to be stealth.

[Evolving Beauty]

I'M A SUPER DUPER PARANOID STEALTH ONE. Once I'm done with full FFS, I'm cutting off from every single person of my past.

[Nicole]

I keep a lot of my past very hidden, but when pushed on it I say the following.

1) When I was younger I was told that I couldn't have kids, its something that while I've come to terms with, can upset me

2) I hated my childhood so bad that I've made my mum keep everything hidden, I don't want to see it.
I was bullied in school and my life only started when we moved to Victoria.

The last part is 100% true, if mum wants to see photos of me before we moved, thats fine, I don't want to see them, I don't want anyone to see them and my life started the day we landed in Melbourne.

[Cin]

You might just find that others will consider the true you even more interesting.   When we are revealing, vulnerable and open they can reciprocate in kind.  It is a better world that may yet feature people wanting to see and know each other without restrictive labels eh?

I admire you and anyone that acknowledges what remains constant in our life of dynamic change.  Quite an exercise somedays

I'll always be the same, I get the feeling I'd be a little more comfortable being myself if I felt right in my body, but I could be wrong though. but I'm so not happy right now

[Cin]

I keep a lot of my past very hidden, but when pushed on it I say the following.

1) When I was younger I was told that I couldn't have kids, its something that while I've come to terms with, can upset me

2) I hated my childhood so bad that I've made my mum keep everything hidden, I don't want to see it.
I was bullied in school and my life only started when we moved to Victoria.

The last part is 100% true, if mum wants to see photos of me before we moved, thats fine, I don't want to see them, I don't want anyone to see them and my life started the day we landed in Melbourne.

I don't really think I had a childhood at all, All I remember is wishing I was more like the girls in my class, keeping my feminine side hidden. There's nothing I can do about it now though. I was bullied a little bit too, and it wasn't really until puberty that it stopped.

My friend sent me a pic of myself from 2 or 3 years ago, I realize how different I was back then, I tried to hide my inner self by growing out a big beard, and wearing 'old people' clothes, (Yes, I was often teased for being a dork), but these days, I wear clothes that I like, and I make a conscious effort to shave, even though it's really a fight I can't win at the moment.

[Cin]

I'M A SUPER DUPER PARANOID STEALTH ONE. Once I'm done with full FFS, I'm cutting off from every single person of my past.

I feel like a paranoid stealth one too

I hope one day you don't have to worry about your past any more. In the meantime, I hope you've found new people who accept you as what you are today

[noeleena]

Hi,

never hid or hide my past because that was my future and my door to where i am now,
i am who i am long before birth , and what is there to hide any way , i did not change as many here  comment on concerning them selfs ,  i have grown as a woman because of being female not a complete one of cause ,

when the nation your part of knows pretty much all about you and what youv done and other aspects of your life including some  of your family and its head  line news ,

You give of your self so others know about you and when your asked about your life you are an open book ,  people will listen and understand to some extent and dont have  a mind block of some of us because we are different its not a big issue .

Unless you make it one and i know many do  you wont acceptance then be open ,

Look at it this way New Zealand and Austraila im a member of 4 Brass Bands 2 in each country , we have about 100 members , im just part of those bands well accepted and get on well with those i play with ,

Some know very little about my background yet i talk about it as a normal part of my life , i dont hide what i am ,  im a  builder done 45 years  and worked for Govt depts , so what would you say its my trade , what do i have to hide oh your a female well yes ...so ...forget this western thinking women cant do this or that .

Go to Thailand who works on the construction sites women who do labour work women right next to the men .  look at other countrys .

So you sit around with a group of say 20 women yes my friends ,  and the ? comes up and where did you work 40 years ago In Christchurch   NZ   on the buiding site  digging holes and doing concrete slabs,,,,oh .....oh thats right your a builder, grape vine works very well and my other friends know any ways,
plus my women friends like me working for them instead of some men ,,,,

Im not trying to be a woman i am one i did  not try to be a female i am one,  just because my facial features are more masculine and what the hell has that to do with any thing , nothing , you see this is about accepting your self and you know others do and will,

And  for the record my names are ,  noel edward  or no-el = noeleena, edwina  Loch-head, from Waimate NZ ,

You see what iv done presented my past and my now , through my names and going back 55 years people who knew me then some are still alive and we have contact and they knew me as noel and as noeleena,  thats  acceptance ,

8 from school in 1954 to 1963 and others about that time as well , one school reunion  120 came so i met them as well ,

On our school friends  over 1 Million 500,000 members  i have put noel to noeleena.  so they can read and know who i am , plus my photos,

...noeleena...

[Natalie]

My past was a facade, a joke where I was the main actor in the story called my life watching from a prison cell. Today I don't care if someone knows who or what I am or not.

[warlockmaker]

It depends but the past will come to light some way or another, especially if you're famous.

I'm in that position and also in the above 40 age zone. Planning the process as detailed as possible has been essential for me. Who should know, for example, and when should I disclose. I also plan to restart my new life away from my home city to avoid media exposure. Its not for my sake but for my dearest friends whom have know me as an alpha male - they deserve my love and consideration so as not tp place them in a difficult situation

[Illuminess]

I think there are certain things that I would distance myself from, but it wouldn't really take much effort. The biggest thing I keep far, far away is my childhood.

I consider the person who lived between birth and the age of 18 as a completely different incarnation of myself as if it was just a trial run; the person between the ages 19 and 25 as a vessel undergoing priming and development; and between 26 and 33 (today) as the prototype whose purpose was to enrich themselves with knowledge, self-awareness, self-expression, and a deeper appreciation for beauty, truth, love and timeless wisdom so that the person I am from here on is whole, confident, centered and complete in my identity. Those past phases of my life have served their purpose and no longer need to be examined or referenced. Who I am today is all that matters, and it should be all that matters to anyone whose friendship I value and who value mine. I'm not saying that nostalgia is irrelevant, or that keeping memory of these things has no value, but they are not necessary to pull upon for any current or future situation, experience or adventure.

If people can respect that and appreciate me for who I am today then everything will be smooth sailing.

[Cin]

Thank you for all the replies. They are inspiring.

I can't forget my past (which is really the present right now) because I've always liked myself as a person, and I've learned to accept people for who they are, even if I have trouble accepting myself. I don't think I would have spent so much time trying to understand lbgt people if I didn't feel this way, I'm thankful for that.

I'm still trying to find ways to make everyone happy, but I don't think that's possible..

My plan is to move far away, and that's only possible if I have money and I'm able to take care of myself. I'm working on it. That way, I can slowly fade away from peoples' memories and it won't affect them as much when I do whatever seems right to me after moving out.

[Northern Jane]

For the first few years after transition at age 24 I wanted to keep my past strictly secret but it kept popping up even though I was a long way from where I grew up and had made a complete break from my previous life. Even after moving half way across the continent,  getting married, and having a life of complete stealth for a few years, it popped up again. Fortunately I had told my husband and he was my greatest defender.

After it slipped out the second time, I just figured fxxk it! I would not confirm or even talk about my past - I treated it as a very person non-event. It was much easier living without worrying about keeping secrets but it was disappointing to loose some "cis privilege". After awhile, people just forget about the unconfirmed rumours.

[Edge]

I'm more concerned about how I feel about my body than about other people. Yeah, it does piss me off they treat me as a woman, but that's their problem, not mine. I tend not to have a normal social life anyway for other reasons. I'm not done transitioning and still look very feminine, but I do live full time as a guy.
I've had enough friends abandon me over the years that abandoning the very supportive friends I have now over this seems unnecessarily cruel. Why would I cut myself off from friends who support me and treat me as who I am just so I can start all over with people who don't know? They deserve better than that and I'd rather stay with them.
While I won't shout it from the rooftops or anything, I don't want to hide my past. I was going to when I first moved here (about other life events), but found that hiding stuff that was so important to me made me very uncomfortable. I also have a son with two biological dads which would make hiding the fact that I gave birth to him difficult even if I wanted to. I'm also entirely too vocal about trans rights.