The responsibilities of being nonbinary trans

[Satinjoy]

Several of us have had subtext about stuff that affect us coming from the world and its view of trans.  Several of us are amazingly strong, some are very weak, and some hide.

What is our responsibility, or your responsibility, as it relates to being and living trans?

I fall short on this one.  I am only out to a select few in my religious circles, I am out to more at AA, to nuclear family,  and at work the coworkers can draw there own conclusions and confusions since they are rigidly on the side of hurting the community.  Filled with hate, some of them.  Some that are not hate filled I am out to, and they get it, one actually finally understood the harm he was doing by buying into the hatespeak.

I deal with it one person at a time, and only when they are receptive to hearing it.

But what should we really be doing?

What a bloody shame that for the sake of our families we hide.  For the sake of mine I live in a bedroom when fully transitioned instead of like a normal human being.  Because the perceived stigma of being very genderqueer in presentation drives me to hide, even from you i would hide in embarrasment from the obvious merging and presentation of the two binaries on one body.

What are our responsibilities to each other living trans?

Blessings, and my nails are still out and clear polished, publically.

[Sammy]

I am a believer of sort of order that rights do come with obligations - and hence the other way around - having obligations should entitle You to certain rights. Unfortunately, I fail to distinguish any rights from being trans (whether binary or non-binary - distinction does not really matter here), so as far as balance might be involved, nope, I dont really see having any obligations sterning from being non-binary trans.
I do though feel that I have obligations as a common human, being able to distinguish right from wrong and the good from the evil.  I feel obligated to help other folks out with information or simply support in times of necessity. But this is simple reciprocity and living as a kind individual. Similarly, if I would see a wrong being done upon them, I would feel obligated to intervene and restore the balance. But those kinds of things might happen to everyone - trans or not... so again, I dont feel challenged to perform any specific acts as non-binary trans.
I am not out and proud - but if people would ask, I would answer - and honestly. The thing with people though is that they dont know how to ask the correct questions . I also believe that most people dont really care - they have a lot of other things to worry about and being introduced into non-binary views is clearly not among their top priorities. Which means, that they do not need that kind of knowledge and it would not benefit their lives greatly either.

[luna nyan]

I look at my HRT as an anxiety med.  With it I'm fine and functional, reasonably happy at fulfilling my obligations IRL.

I'm not out - my situation doesn't allow for it, and I have to fault myself for taking the safer option on some of my past key point decisions in life.

I do what little I can here, and that is my limited means of activism.

[Taka]

i don't really think there are any responsibilities. neither are there any for gay people, just from being gay, or one-legged people, just for having lost a leg or been born without one.

if you want responsibility, look at yourself and your family. it's your responsibility to be true to yourself and honest with your family, if you want any of that back from them. to other people, your only responsibility is to treat them with the respect that you want them to treat you with. you can also measure out respect by how much they deserve, though that would make you a less nice person and could aggravate conflicts.

and don't go looking for more responsibility than you need. loving your neighbor is enough, you don't have to feel responsible for him as well.

of course it would help the trans* community that we are open about being trans*, but that doesn't mean you have to shout it out to everybody. some times it's enough to tell those people around you whom you can trust not to harm you physically. answer a colleague who thinks something's off and asks in a fairly polite way. let people experience you as just a normal person, while knowing you are trans*. people will eventually start realizing that most trans* people aren't like that.

[suzifrommd]

i don't really think there are any responsibilities. neither are there any for gay people, just from being gay, or one-legged people, just for having lost a leg or been born without one.

I agree with you Taka, with one exception.

If we want changes to our culture to make it more accepting of non-binary people, WE need to be the ones to bring those about.

Why?

Simply because no one else will.

[Taka]

you're kind of right about that, suzi. but it's not really a responsibility, it's more like something that is required in order to get another thing that you want. only means you can't complain about people not accepting unless you do something to gain that acceptance first. but those who really don't feel up to it, shouldn't have to feel like they're avoiding a responsibility.

but i've seen that many minorities, not only trans* people, have problems understanding that the majority can't be held responsible for accommodating everything and making the minority's lives easier. some of the most ridiculous examples i've seen are local ones. the saami people here have been oppressed, for a while, and they have finally been granted rights. one of the rights is for the children to learn their own language in school, but we lack teachers because almost nobody wants to take that education, and it seems even fewer actually want to teach. i really don't understand how so many parents keep expecting the majority, who have no knowledge of our culture or language, to take responsibility to get enough teachers, when nobody of the minority wants to teach.

thinking about it, we might actually need a scandinavian network for non-binaries, so we can fight for our right to treatment. if nobody else starts it, i might have to do that whenever i just want it enough. can't expect anyone else to do it if not even i don't feel like it.

[Tessa James]

My sense of responsibility has evolved from protecting my dark shameful secret, so as not to hurt anyone, to proclaiming the truth about who I am.  If someone says "your truth is hurting me" do we then shade the truth for comfort?   We don't need to alternatively sit on a mountain top or Facebook issuing edicts.  Your preference, as was mine, for those more intimate one to one conversations is admirable.  I found the "news" however, was just too hot and salacious for people to be confidential about.  Very quickly my outing became a telephone tree of gossip and I lost control of the narrative.  My reaction was to tell my own story as publicly as possible, on the front page of the daily newspaper.

Each of us can employ unique strategies for maintaining our sense of responsibility to ourselves, our family and community. 

I, for one, can never hide or pretend again.  The pain associated with that trip will leave lifetime scars.  I encourage any and all to be real, authentic and to own your personally directed destiny.

[TessaMarie]

If I hide who I am, it feels like I am just swapping one closet for another.

I am out as trans, despite still presenting male, in NA in NE Philly, at my Quaker meeting, and to most of my friends here in Philly.  Not so much in my neighbourhood - no-one has asked & I have not made a point of being obvious about it.

Only a few people at work know.  The subject has arisen in conversation a couple of times, and I have responded by outing myself.  I also needed to tell my supervisor & manager due to room-sharing concerns on a business trip.  I feel that I have represented myself well by continuing to work after the disclosure as I had been before.  I am not being a distraction to others, &, other than that one concern, I have not requested or expected any special treatment.

Back home, my parents are still trying (with very limited success) to come to terms with my disclosure to them.  They have requested that I not tell anyone else back in Ireland.  Since I do care about them (a lot), I am giving them that space which they do seem to need. 

I feel it is important for me to be as open as I can about being trans.  If attitudes to trans folk are to change, that must start with some trans folk becoming visible as responsible members of their communities. 

Maybe I am not a good ambassador since my gender presentation is not what people expect.  But then again, by being me, I am showing that being trans does not necessarily mean conforming to a stereotype.

The bottom line for me:    If we hide, then we remain invisible.  When we are invisible, no-one can see us when decisions that affect us are being made.  When we are invisible, it is easier for others to only see the Jerry Springer stereotypes whenever trans issues are mentioned.

Just my tuppenny-worth.  For now.  Since I am still learning how to be me, these opinions are subject to change.

Tessa

[ativan]

But then again, by being me, I am showing that being trans does not necessarily mean conforming to a stereotype.

A point well made. Expectations of cisciety are in general misleading themselves with stereotyping.
To be seen as the people we are, the diversity that there is, is important indeed.
Ativan

[helen2010]

SJ

I think that we have the same responsibility as anyone else ie to live our lives as authentically and as joyously as possible.  This implies that, where it is relevant, we should come out to one person at a time, in a manner that is appropriate and respectful of our relationship with them and with ourself.

Journeys are taken one step at a time, houses are built one brick at a time and society is changed one person at a time.

For some of us our NB identity is unlikely to cause significant comment or discomfort.  As a MTNB who is seeking an andro presentation, I find that when I come out, folk are surprised, curious and supportive.  They see that I am in a better place and I am able to take the opportunity to educate them as to the nature of the NB experience and narrative, as well as to the nature of the NB identity.

While I don't think that there is a responsibility to do more,  there is an opportunity to do this, and it is an exciting possibility.  Just helping someone realise that being NB is not a curse, it is not something to hide or to be ashamed of, is extremely precious.  If we could help someone avoid or minimise  the distress that we have suffered, why wouldn't we try do this?

Safe travels

Aisla

[JulieBlair]

SJ

I think that we have the same responsibility as anyone else ie to live our lives as authentically and as joyously as possible.  This implies that, where it is relevant, we should come out to one person at a time, in a manner that is appropriate and respectful of our relationship with them and with ourself.

Journeys are taken one step at a time, houses are built one brick at a time and society is changed one person at a time.

For some of us our NB identity is unlikely to cause significant comment or discomfort.  As a MTNB who is seeking an andro presentation, I find that when I come out, folk are surprised, curious and supportive.  They see that I am in a better place and I am able to take the opportunity to educate them as to the nature of the NB experience and narrative, as well as to the nature of the NB identity.

While I don't think that there is a responsibility to do more,  there is an opportunity to do this, and it is an exciting possibility.  Just helping someone realise that being NB is not a curse, it is not something to hide or to be ashamed of, is extremely precious.  If we could help someone avoid or minimise  the distress that we have suffered, why wouldn't we try do this?

Safe travels

Aisla

I agree with Aisla that there is no responsibility, read obligation, to live in any particular way, or to present in any particular manner as a transgendered person.  But I do embrace the opportunity to be an example.  I am "out and proud" as it were.  I pay attention to grooming, and I present as I authentically am both because it pleases me, but also because it might just give someone else the courage to live as they are, and because I may be the only trans person that people interact with.

I became willing to pay the price to transition only because not to was to die inside.  I became willing to pay the price to live publicly and authentically as a woman, both because it is who I am, and because I want people to understand that I am neither weird nor diseased.

For people who are non-binary, and in ways I am there too, presentation is more fluid and perhaps more circumspect.  I worry that dissonance still causes pain for some, and I am sorry that the calculus of personal cost is so high that remaining closeted is necessary for others.  We are worthy people and deserve to live happily, joyfully, and with the freedom to live authentically.  We deserve to be respected.  We deserved to be loved.

"helping someone realise that being NB is not a curse, it is not something to hide or to be ashamed of, is extremely precious.  If we could help someone avoid or minimise  the distress that we have suffered, why wouldn't we try do this?"  The only thing keeping us withdrawn is fear.  Those fears may be well founded, I am not to judge, but to live in fear is, for me, not to live.  No matter where on the gender curve we dwell, our primary obligation is to ourselves and only then to those we love and to society at large.  For me that is not a selfish choice.  It is the only one I could make at the time and the only one I will make in the future.  I wish everyone here happiness, and I choose happiness for myself.  Wishing you

Fair winds and calm seas,

Julie

[Shantel]

I think the idea of coming out to anyone specifically held some negative connotations for me that I can't put my finger on other than to say it would be akin to telling a friend, "I have this big secret about myself that I want to share with you!" Somehow that doesn't work for me. Had I said something like that to my prudish, self-righteous, drama queen daughter-in-law her response would have been "I can't deal with that, it makes me so uncomfortable" in which case I would be compelled to punt her over the goal posts. So rather than deal with everyone on an individual basis and handle their little problems with me, knowing everyone is different and will internalize things differently, I simply morphed in stages to look and be who I am now with the idea of what you see is what you get and it has worked seamlessly for me without any criticism.

I attribute most of my success to the fact that being personable with everyone and having a friendly outgoing personality works, while body language and bearing around others clearly signals my zero tolerance for negativity. My responsibility is to be real with everyone and it's not at all difficult. My teenaged granddaughter knows that grandpa has boobies too and has to wear a bra, after discovering that she got over it in about two minutes. The rest of my family loves me and simply considers me to be a bit eccentric. To them I am Husband, Dad, Grandpa, He and Him and that is as it should be. (Note: Marcie Bower's told me her kids call her "Dad" too)

Being well received by others clearly denotes who your real friends are and those who don't get it simply go away and good riddance because they were never real friends just acquaintances that were on board for the ride.

[Satinjoy]

The biggest influencer on outing myself is the family.  I am out in AA, although the terminology I use is toned down.  I do call out dyphoria, I have said I am transgender, I have not revealed I am physically transsexual.

I agree, one at a time, carefully.  Meanwhile the clues are here, and if anyone asks and picks up on the presentation, needs actually, then I will tell them why I have nails.  And more than nails now.

But I will not put my family into a place of harm.  Especially from transphobic relatives.

A wimpy position?  Maybe, maybe not. 

Blessings

[JulieBlair]

The biggest influencer on outing myself is the family.  I am out in AA, although the terminology I use is toned down.  I do call out dyphoria, I have said I am transgender, I have not revealed I am physically transsexual.

I agree, one at a time, carefully.  Meanwhile the clues are here, and if anyone asks and picks up on the presentation, needs actually, then I will tell them why I have nails.  And more than nails now.

But I will not put my family into a place of harm.  Especially from transphobic relatives.

A wimpy position?  Maybe, maybe not. 

Blessings

Wimpy or not, you are worthy of having where you are honored and respected.
j

[Satinjoy]

It isn't.

[JulieBlair]

I know

[YinYanga]

None, you have no trans responsiblity to someone but to yourself; take good care of yourself, be a good person.

Now that I started transitioning Ive noticed I'm not entirely comfortable living life binary 100% of the time , something I want to tone down because there's definately a genderqueer part in me that likes to flourish, play like I used to when I came out 10 years ago. Ive neglected that part because my body wasnt in touch with my identity

The last 4 months has brought me back to a point I've shied away from. Ignoring it would not be responsible