I feel like it's time to come out but I don't want it to be too sudden.

[perrystephens]

Ok, so for the past few years my plan has been to wait until I'm old enough and have some money and then to move away and start a life as a man and just never talk to any of my old relatives again. I've tried really hard to seem like just a tomboy so people don't suspect I have gender identity issues. I get my nails done sometimes, and I genuinely like looking at makeup and girl's hair online even though I never wear makeup and I like getting my hair done (Girl's hairstyles are a lot more fun, so I might as well try to enjoy it for now). I've actually been talking to my mom about different cuts I want when I get it cut next week, so I feel like just coming out out of nowhere will make everyone think i'm not serious or it's a phase. (keep in mind they've known I was a tomboy since I was little but I don't think they've ever considered I might be trans). I want to ease them into it but I've started to realize my plan to just pretend to be a girl and then run away and never talk to them again might take too long and I might need to eventually come out for health reasons. Here's why: About a year ago I started having respiratory issues (I basically never feel like I'm getting enough air and I gasp like every few minutes, and it sometimes keeps me up late at night and drives me insane) and the doctors haven't been able to diagnose it yet. Their best guess is stress. A few years before that I was diagnosed with clinical depression but my parents never took me more than maybe 4 times to get my therapy and medicine and then they just acted like everything was better. I've always just planned to move away and become a man and maybe then I'll be happy again but now with the breathing problem, I feel like maybe it's time bc the breathing problem is really annoying and might go away if I can be me. I feel like my dysphoria is what keeps causing all these problems but it's really hard for me to come out. My mom's pretty liberal but she's told me before she doesn't like bi people and when I was depressed my dad told me I don't deserve to be depressed so I feel like neither of them would understand. I just don't know whether it would be worth it or if I should wait a few more years. And if you think I should come out, how?
Also is there some kind of quiz or something I can take online before straight up asking my parents to take me to a gender therapist? I just really want to take baby steps. I feel 100% sure but I want something to show my parents so they know I'm serious.

[V M]

Hi Perry 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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V M

[Ms Grace]

Hi Perry, welcome to Susan's.

I hope you are having the breathing issue looked it - there are some studies around that suggest depression can lead to some breathing problems, probably because depressed people often don't breathe very deeply. Even so a doctor should check it out just in case something else is behind it. Your mother may be 'liberal' but if she does't like bi people you may not get an awful lot of understanding or support around your gender identity. Springing anything on her at this point may not give you the outcome you are hopping for. Rather than asking to see a gender therapist maybe a general counsellor to begin with so you can toss around how you feel about things for a few sessions, that way you will have someone else to back you up should you then want/need to press on with a gender counsellor.

Hope that helps!

[Valleyrie]

Welcome perry!

Before I first came out to my Dad I felt completely hopeless that he'd even accept me so I began planning to move out and leave home and lose all connection with him and start anew. It was a bit irrational of me now that I think about it. I too am diagnosed with clinical depression so I tend to have some bad thought patterns. You're a man whether you look or act like one. There's nothing wrong with liking make-up and girly hair; lots of men do. I sort of have a breathing problem like you as well but I don't think it's as bad as yours. I've noticed my breathing is very short and not full and I think it may be because of depression like Ms Grace said.

I wouldn't rely on a quiz to tell you what you are; they're quite inaccurate most of the time. It's best if you can see a gender therapist but I think if you can't do that without your parents knowing then I'd suggest seeing a normal therapist/counsellor for now. This way, you have someone to speak to about your issues and they can help you along the way of your transition and coming out to your parents. I think your parents would be more inclined to believe you if they speak to someone who knows just how much distress this is causing you and how much transitioning could potentially increase your general well-being and happiness.

I hope things get better for you and you're able to be the man you are inside. Focus on your education and getting a job; you'll need both and your future self will be thankful you did. Best of luck!