Gender fluid here in need of help/advice from other gender fluid people/beings

[Shana-chan]

So I wake up, typically feeling male and when I'm tired go to bed feeling male. I switch back and forth while awake from male to female and female to male and even in between, this typically doesn't cause too much Dysphoria for me and I typically just ignore it and move on as best I can however, the last couple of times I've woken up this week, more so today (Since it was the most powerful of them all so far) I wake up, switching back and forth between male & female or female & male like crazy. This leaves me VERY confused (MAJOR UNDERSTATMENT!) and gives me major Dysphoria and such.

Why is this happening to me? Is it hormonal imbalance? If I started taking Estrogen & taking testosterone blockers, would I stop being/feeling gender fluid? Why can't I just feel and be 100% female on the inside? It's bad enough I have to deal with my body looking male and genetically being male but my own soul too!? I just want to be female and nothing else.  Oh if only someone could rip my male half from my female half, I love gender fluid people, and no offense to anyone but because it causes me Dysphoria and isn't what I wish to be (Especially in these judgmental times where you HAVE to be one gender or the next or it causes problems...), and while I do like/love gender fluid people (Especially in anime), I myself HATE being one. Fyi, there are very few things I actually hate in this world, plenty of stuff I dislike sure but hate is another matter, so that tells you how strongly I feel about it. Does anyone other gender fluid person/being here feel the way I do and by how much? (On a percentage lv from 0%-110%, the extra 10% only if you feel it more than I do, other wise only a max of 100% is allowed)

Please, advice, help! How DO you handle this? (Whether it causes you Dysphoria or not, after all, the public pushes 1 gender roles on us... even then I still prefer to look, sound and be 100% female)

[Gabrielle_22]

I am bi-gender as well, though I lean more towards my female side and would have been born a cis-female if I could have chosen. Nonetheless, I am familiar with those switches. I can't say why it's happening to you or me, though you should not be taking hormones unless they are prescribed or you are absolutely sure of what you are doing. To do so just to push yourself to one gender "side" decisively could be dangerous, and I don't know, at any rate, that hormones can actually convert someone from non-binary (like bi-gender) to binary. Speak to a gender therapist or endocrinologist for better advice as far as hormones go. A trained gender therapist or counsellor who deals with gender should have some experience, too, with non-binary identity, but you can always ask about this over the phone or in person when making a consultation.

As far as the science goes, there isn't much research to my knowledge out there on bi-gender/genderfluid individuals specifically. One scientific avenue you can explore is V. S. Ramachandran's relatively new categorisation of "alternating gender incongruity," which he uses to define bi-genderism, which he defines as a subcategory of ->-bleeped-<-. Whether or not that model is accurate I have no idea, but it's something to explore if you want to look at a scientific model. Ramachandran does a lot of work on split-brain patients and on "unusual" phenomena produced by the brain, like phantom limbs, and you can sort of see why he would be one of the first to explicitly theorise about bi-genderism.

This is the link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22364652

For me, I just honestly feel like there are two sides to my identity, two doors, so to speak, and when one is open the other is usually closed. I just let myself be. If I am wearing girls' clothes, makeup, etc. and feel a switch happen, I usually get the desire to change my clothes and remove the makeup, but it is not an overwhelming desire. I try to just let it pass, and usually it does. I'm not trying suppress my male side, but I do feel able to prevent that dysphoria to some degree by reminding myself, in the moments when a switch comes from female to male, how much of my life I've lost not having had a chance to express my inner girl.

Being bi-gender or gender-fluid can be difficult, but if it is who you are, it can also be a beautiful thing that differentiates you. You get to examine and experience gender in a way that not everyone does. And if you want to be female more than anything else, just be what you want, and see what happens from there. If your female side is so dominant, you should be able to live as the girl you contain/are for the most part. Your male side may not be as much of a problem as you think once you are happily presenting as the person you feel you are, and, ultimately, your male side is another piece of what makes up the puzzle of you. And if your therapist thinks it is a good idea, you can begin to transition as a gender-fluid individual, but this is a big choice that you must be certain about.

I'm not sure if any of that helps, but I hope it does. Good luck with everything! I'm sure things will work out eventually. 

Gabby

[suzifrommd]

Why is this happening to me? Is it hormonal imbalance? If I started taking Estrogen & taking testosterone blockers, would I stop being/feeling gender fluid?

IMO, no. Gender is caused by the way we are wired, not by our hormonal makeup. If it wasn't, you could cure transwomen by given them T and transguys by suppressing their T.

For me, it's triggers. When I see myself in a particularly male light, I'm sure I'm male. Or when I'm in a situation  I think I can handle better by being male I find myself feeling male.

[goldphantom]

For me, I just honestly feel like there are two sides to my identity, two doors, so to speak, and when one is open the other is usually closed.

Thank you gabby.

I identify as androgynous, both male and female at the same time but with no switching. I know that gender can be very difficult to understand if your not experiencing it yourself. I don't know what its like to have no gender or three genders. But thanks to your explanation I understand being bi-gendered just a little more.

My suggestion is to accept yourself for who you are. Your dysphoria decreases dramatically when you let yourself be you.

[Cin]

Sometimes I switch too, and I don't expect it to make sense to anyone. I don't necessarily feel male or female deep inside, I feel genderless. Sometimes I'm OK being a male, other times I hate it, and want to be female. I don't 'want' to feel male, and my dysphoria acts up when I feel male, and that's when I start feeling weird, and then I'm suddenly female.

It's frustrating I know, sometimes I feel like I've figured myself out, but then..... I start having my doubts.....

[Cin]

I think that you can be gender fluid and still not feel like you're in the right body. I wonder if there's a thing like 'default gender', and you want your default gender to be different? I don't know I've come up with my own theories because I spend so much times figuring myself out. I also feel that there's a little bit of genderfluid in everyone, while others have it a lot.

[Oakwright]

I find that about a quarter of the time my sense of self doesn't match my appearance AT ALL. When that happens I get major dysphoria, and looking at myself in the mirror is very jarring. But I'm lucky and about a quarter of the time I match perfectly and that's awesome. And half the time it's more of a "meh, close enough".

So I don't think I have advice, besides saying "yeah, dysphoria is normal."  It's also not terribly predictable for me.

[luna nyan]

Shana,

It sounds as though you're desperately trying to fit yourself in one of two boxes.

You say you identify female, but then you sometime feel more male.  There is a spectrum out there, and I feel you might have to explore your feelings and mind a bit further.

I think you're letting the gender binary of the general population pigeonhole you and restricting how you should feel, and that may be a possible source of your distress.  Come to know and accept yourself - you'll come to peace faster.

How do you identify?  male, female, mostly one or the other, or in between?
What sort of presentation makes you comfortable?  Separate issue altogether.

HRT may help, but don't expect it to be a panacea for your identity question.  You may find yourself in the non binary forest in the end, and there isn't anything wrong with that.