Dating early into transition

[Jen♀]

I started hrt alongside starting college. I was very excited and am at an incredible university for transgender people (the first night here at a dorm meeting we all needed to announce our preferred pronouns, and they're all gender inclusive bathrooms ).
The thing is, I've meet a girl, and really like her. We've gone on a few dates, but I'm just nervous about how far we should go before I tell her. My dorm floor knows, as do roommates, but that's it. I don't want to start "dating" and go far to the point where it will hurt her when I come out to her. But I also wanted her to get to know me enough first. Know what I mean? So, how far should this go before I come out to her?
(Fyi she's trans* friendly. At a party here she referred to a transsexual with feminine pronouns without batting an eye, so she must already have some knowledge. Or at least respect)

[Ashlotte]

It's good that she's accepting of trans people, but wouldn't what really matters be her sexual or romantic orientation? I'm assuming you want this relationship with her, but if she's not attracted to women then you probably shouldn't date. Honesty is important in relationships, and it's not healthy to keep your identity a secret while you're dating someone, especially if multiple other people know. I don't want to say anything ignorant because I only know what you've told me, but it's not fair for a woman to date a straight woman by passing as a man, and if that's the case in this relationship I think it would be better if you were friends.

[suzifrommd]

Can you clarify? Do you currently present male or female?

[jname]

It depends what she is looking for from the relationship. I was with a girl when i first started transition. After a few months of getting to know each other, she wanted to date. I told her that if she wanted to do this, then there would be something she needed to know first. She was a little surprised but otherwise very supportive and ok with dating someone who is transgender. Unfortunately that changes the dynamic. I couldn't be a bf to her and after a few weeks we realized it was better to just be friends.

[stephaniec]

what would you want if situation was truly the same and   viewed without bias but  reversed

[jeninindiana]

there are places online that are specifically for transwomen and for those who are specifically looking for a transwoman who is pre op/non op and you might have more luck in finding love online , I think  a great way to meet people is online ... but if you are just honest with everyone around you about if you have a male or female sex organ because for most everyone that one thing alone will determine your sexual identity as far as other people are concerned . the main thing is to always be honest with the people around you if you still have a penis you DO need to let the other person know that right away and upfront right at the flirting stage flirting is intimacy and being deceptive with people is never going to end well so basically yes you do have to be honest with what sex organ you have down there right from the very very beginning you don't want to surprise anyone heterosexual men are aware of what they are attracted to , if you haven't had surgery you should just focus on those interested in transwomen specifically and they are easy enough to find online but if you are pre op you have to be very honest.

[Jen♀]

I still present "male" technically. But I dress how I will dress as a female anyways. I have a soft butch style that I'll be maintaining through transition. BUT, that technically means that now I'm perceived as a guy, not a soft butch lesbian. I'm going to tell her the next time we go out. Even if I am still early into transitioning, she deserves to know before putting her eggshells into a relationship with me. Thank you everyone!

[suzifrommd]

I still present "male" technically. But I dress how I will dress as a female anyways. I have a soft butch style that I'll be maintaining through transition. BUT, that technically means that now I'm perceived as a guy, not a soft butch lesbian. I'm going to tell her the next time we go out. Even if I am still early into transitioning, she deserves to know before putting her eggshells into a relationship with me. Thank you everyone!

OK. So she may see you as a cis male.

The key here is that you don't want her to feel betrayed or misled - that she dated you as a male and then finds out you're not really male at all.

So to answer your question, I would let her know before you think she might have feelings that you have led her on. Don't know if that helps, but at least maybe it's an indication of what to avoid.

[Jen♀]

OK. So she may see you as a cis male.

The key here is that you don't want her to feel betrayed or misled - that she dated you as a male and then finds out you're not really male at all.

So to answer your question, I would let her know before you think she might have feelings that you have led her on. Don't know if that helps, but at least maybe it's an indication of what to avoid.

This was what I was thinking, and it is definitely a help. It's a bummer that dating will never really be easy again (not that it ever was for me XP) but I'm pretty proud to be where I am today.