What are you thinking? 9.0

[LordKAT]

But again, thanks for caring enough to respond and for the positive wishes. I'm aware that my situation is not as bad as others and I feel kinda weak in losing it like I have today. Probably better than slipping back towards self-harm or drugs though, right?

Living in a home where your found your parent is definitely stressful and then adding the wait for funds which are yours but currently unavailable just to move to a safer home would bother most people I think. You have as much right as anyone to have low time and It is better to let it out here than self harm or the drugs. I'm glad you shared with us.

[Mariah]

Your welcome Ally and hugs back. I can't imagine how unsettling that would be to live in the house that one's parent died. I was fortunate enough to have my dad die on the way to the hospital rather in the house I used to live not that losing one's parent is being fortunate. In his case I am because he suffered way to long from 2 battles with cancer. It was heartbreaking watching that, but anyway I'm glad things will start to look up soon for you. Stay safe in the meantime. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you both. *hugs*

Mariah, at some stage in the near future (it is already well overdue, in truth) I stand to start receiving money from the inheritance I am due from my father's passing last April.

That will be my ticket out of here. My father was not a wealthy man, but the money will be enough to get the laser and tracheal shave I sorely need to pass and to move to to a safer place in the city.

Once the house is sold, that should leave me w/ the funds I need for SRS. The long term future is okay.... But it is a question of getting to it.

At this point I look passably female except for the beard shadow which I need to CAKE make-up on to almost-kinda-sorta cover, but in truth, it looks ridiculous.

It also draws a lot of attention, as I do; appearing very much between the classical gender binaries at this stage in the game. Of late, I've been getting more and more strange looks because of it and there are some dangerous people in this area. I live just down the road from a highly disreputable bar and the last thing I want is to draw any attention, so in this town, I am a prisoner in my own home.

My only freedom comes in getting to the railway station and escaping for a few hrs, but my limited money (I'm on disability for anxiety, depression, gender dysphoria and post-traumatic stress and am legally restricted from being able to work) allows me only a certain degree of freedom and my appearance is now starting to draw unwanted attention everywhere I go.

The building I live in is the home in which my father passed away, where I came home from work to find him one day, so as you can imagine it is filled w/ bad memories and psychological triggers.....

Ummmm.... I'm not sure where I was going w/ all that (mental blanking thanks to high stress levels).... Oh right, basically, long term is promising and there is a way out, but the stresses and pressures and flat out fear surrounding my current situation make getting through day to day life stressful....

I just happened to pop a cork BIGTIME today thanks to the cumulative stress of traversing my life as it current stands.

But again, thanks for caring enough to respond and for the positive wishes. I'm aware that my situation is not as bad as others and I feel kinda weak in losing it like I have today. Probably better than slipping back towards self-harm or drugs though, right?

[Muffinheart]

I'm thinking "why am I up at 6:30am.".....but it is my birthday.
Turned the big 5-0.
15 years ago, I didn't think I'd make it 50,
My mom passed away at 49 from breast cancer.
When I pray, rarely do I ever give thanks to my mom for bringing me into this world.
Sometimes I think God has given me a test, to see how I'd accept this challenge in life. After all, life is balancing match between blessings and burdens. I see my being who I am is a blessing, because it makes me stronger.

The next 50 years are going to be awesome!

[LordKAT]

Happy Birthday Muffinheart!

[Muffinheart]

Happy Birthday Muffinheart!

Awwww ty

[Mariah]

Happy Birthday Muffinheart!   

I'm thinking "why am I up at 6:30am.".....but it is my birthday.
Turned the big 5-0.
15 years ago, I didn't think I'd make it 50,
My mom passed away at 49 from breast cancer.
When I pray, rarely do I ever give thanks to my mom for bringing me into this world.
Sometimes I think God has given me a test, to see how I'd accept this challenge in life. After all, life is balancing match between blessings and burdens. I see my being who I am is a blessing, because it makes me stronger.

The next 50 years are going to be awesome!

[Cindy]

Happy birthday gorgeous lady.

Hugs

[Mariah]

This shall be an interesting day. I will see the last doctor I haven't seen since I started going full time. He got to see me during the very end of my very short andro phase of my transition while warning me to sure they take it slow when starting HRT on me. This should be interesting considering it's been 7 and half months since I last saw him.
Mariah

[Muffinheart]

Ty Cindy and Mariah

Good luck Mariah with your appointment.
Today has sort of a transition theme to it.
Coffee at 10 with my former bosses. They were my first employers when I went full time.
Then 1.5 hour drive to Montreal for a routine follow up with Brassard.
Finally dinner with my BFF who shares same birthday as I, and was my first supporter at the beginning of my transition.

A lovely day ahead even if it's fricking frigid out there

[Mariah]

Thanks Muffinheart Good Luck with your day too!
Mariah

Ty Cindy and Mariah

Good luck Mariah with your appointment.
Today has sort of a transition theme to it.
Coffee at 10 with my former bosses. They were my first employers when I went full time.
Then 1.5 hour drive to Montreal for a routine follow up with Brassard.
Finally dinner with my BFF who shares same birthday as I, and was my first supporter at the beginning of my transition.

A lovely day ahead even if it's fricking frigid out there

[King Malachite]

I'm thinking "why am I up at 6:30am.".....but it is my birthday.
Turned the big 5-0.
15 years ago, I didn't think I'd make it 50,
My mom passed away at 49 from breast cancer.
When I pray, rarely do I ever give thanks to my mom for bringing me into this world.
Sometimes I think God has given me a test, to see how I'd accept this challenge in life. After all, life is balancing match between blessings and burdens. I see my being who I am is a blessing, because it makes me stronger.

The next 50 years are going to be awesome!

Happy Birthday, Muffinheart!!!!   




I'm thinking about how the murders against transwomen (especially trans women of color) seem to be ramping up this year.  It is sad. 

[infinity]

i am currently wondering why i seem to attract all the creepy-obssessive-stalker-type guys (i'm not out yet and still presenting as female).

[infinity]

now i'm thinking:



and:



and the fact that universe is expanding.

[StrykerXIII]

Just praying the fiancee gets home safely. There's a foot of snow outside and her stubborn butt decided to go to work in the next town over. Her car handles like absolute dog crap, but she kept telling me "It handles fine, you're worrying too much about me". One concept I haven't been able to drill into her head over the last almost three years that we've been together: I worry about you because I love you, you goofy broad.

[Ally_B]

i am currently wondering why i seem to attract all the creepy-obssessive-stalker-type guys (i'm not out yet and still presenting as female).

If you haven't yet you should definitely check out and maybe contribute yr story to the "I think I'm becoming a magnet for strange men" thread in the MtoF forum.

[infinity]

If you haven't yet you should definitely check out and maybe contribute yr story to the "I think I'm becoming a magnet for strange men" thread in the MtoF forum.

maybe i should. 

[Ally_B]

Feeling very at peace tonight.... Such a welcome relief after the inner turmoil of the last week. Between the terrific people around me, exercising my butt off and taking some time for meditative introspection, I'm feeling pretty good about the world and my place in it.

Hope yr all well. *hugs*

[Anna++]

I dislike 8AM meetings

[Devlyn]

I'm thinking "why am I up at 6:30am.".....but it is my birthday.
Turned the big 5-0.
15 years ago, I didn't think I'd make it 50,
My mom passed away at 49 from breast cancer.
When I pray, rarely do I ever give thanks to my mom for bringing me into this world.
Sometimes I think God has given me a test, to see how I'd accept this challenge in life. After all, life is balancing match between blessings and burdens. I see my being who I am is a blessing, because it makes me stronger.

The next 50 years are going to be awesome!

Happy birthday! I figured 50 would come and go like any other birthday, but it did make me start wondering where the half century went! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Muffinheart]

Happy birthday! I figured 50 would come and go like any other birthday, but it did make me start wondering where the half century went! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Ty Devlyn...funny, when I turned 30 and 40, birthday didn't mean much. For some reason, yesterday felt different...maybe because of the surgery, maybe the feeling like age is just a number, or maybe feelign all is finally aligned and right. I dunno...but it's all good.