It's official. My husband picked her gender.

[Katrinka]

After a year, my husband has finally changed his gender to her gender. I'm relieved because this is actual closure. I am also sad because this is closure. I am scared for her; I hope she has a serious life plan, although I honestly don't think she does. Seven years of awesome ups and seriously dangerous and damaging downs, now explained and accepted. I hope she finds what she wants, because I can never make her happy or fill that void.

[Katrinka]

I hope that once she figures out where she is living and doing, she will take four of the six cats; I also didn't sign up to be a crazy cat lady. Please, universe, don't make me also be a crazy cat lady.

[Emily1996]

I kinda saw your lasts posts, is there a reason why you and your ex are not friends anymore?

[Katrinka]

Yes, Miss Emily29. My SO has dropped into a super dark place that made "him" very angry and prone to lash out in dangerous ways to self and others because "he" is trying so hard not to be herself. I am not one of the SO's who can stay in a relationship like this; I know myself very well. My SO needs a lot more than me to be happy, and the past several months have demonstrated that tenfold. Also, I am not going to sacrifice my own happiness for hers; that is not a marriage, that is a sentence. There have been too many arguments, mean words, actions, adult substances, secrets, looks of despise, and more secrets to keep this relationship afloat. My SO has made a serious life choice that cannot include me, and as much as I am sad and heartbroken, I am also in some ways relieved, and other ways angry. My SO knew this about herself long before she met and dated and proposed to and married me; she tried super hard to surpress it and stuff it away, but all along, this secret lead to the  anger, resentment, regretable words, and even more regretable actions of the past year. Now, she can do whatever she wants. We both know that it is time to cut ties. Maybe someday we can be friends...way, way, way down the line. For now, I hope that she works on her psychological health and not just the physical appearance to find happiness, because no matter how much one changes the outside, no matter how much affirmation of how pretty you are, the inside is the one that haunts and reminds of the past, the present, and the real you. In all, she is going through a transformation that is amazing and impressive, but not one that I can watch first hand, because I will always have look to at the photos from my life with a different person and remember all those amazing times together and then have to mourn the death of that individual every day.  I have spent seven years with a person who didn't show herself to me; had I met her as a girl, we would have been good friends...it's a bit different when you get married, get pets, and try to have babies together. I don't hate her or despise her or want bad things for her; I want her to be happy. I just hope she figures out all the the things that will really make her happy, but I know it is not me.

[Jess42]

I kind of wonder Katrinka, you can't love the person you fell in love with as who she truly is? he/ she is still there. Yeah it may sound stupid and I am a hopless romantic, but what you may have fell in love with was "her" and not really "him".

I am so sorry Katrinka. Sometimes, too many times we lie to ourselves way more than he ones we love and too many times that true love ends in a divorce. I won't lie but if my wife if we wouldn't have divorced because I am trans would have told me she wanted to be a he, I wouldn't have done the same thing. As honest as I can get.

But then I think sometimes the one I fell in love with would have told me something so close to their heart and what they truly wanted from their life and were sharing this with me. I still don't know, so don't feel band hon. I think if I were normal I sold just have to be gay. It is not the genetalia I fell in love with but the person. Regardless of whether he or she.But we are all different Hon. And you and only you can decide what you can deal with.

But one thing for sure is that you came to the best place. There is a lot of experience here. A lot of hurt for love lost and so on. I am one of them. If you can love her for her. She was probably her a long time before you met him/her and now she finally decided to stop lying to herself and take the steps and so on. It doesn't mean she loves you any less than she ever did. sometimes it may actually make the love for one another stronger. I f we could all be so lucky. I am definitely not trying to persuade you or dissuade you. It is all on you pretty much and I m so sorry for telling you this. but the truth was that probably actually fell in love with "her" instead of him. Just have an open mind and believe me hon, I'll never judge anyone 'cause I live in a glasshouse. plus there is a lot of Karma I need to make up for.

Somehow I hope all my babbling and big mouth helped somewhat. If not I am so sorry. And I pray to god I didn't make it worst on you. Maybe just give it  chance. Gay and lesbian aren't that taboo anymore. Trans still is so if she said something to you and wanting this, it has to be overbearing for her. I even have tears in my eyes trying to this. And yeah we do hurt and get just as emotional as any woman. trans or not.

[blueconstancy]

Katrinka, I guess this is a step forward for her, but I don't blame you for having mixed feelings about it.

Jess... well, first of all, a relationship with an abusive partner is a problem regardless of the genders involved. (You may not have seen the other thread, in which Katrinka cited "physical and emotional abuse" as the reason this marriage is not working for her.) Secondly, and I say this as someone who says that her wife "is the same person," it's not as easy as "just accept that you were always in love with a woman." I'm bisexual, my wife didn't change all that much personality-wise, and she believes she really WAS a guy once. Transition was still a hellish roller-coaster that made me suicidally depressed for close to a year. I don't regret it and I'm desperately grateful that we stayed together, but that is coming at it from the perspective of having a relationship that was *otherwise* very solid *and* knowing that we got the happy ending. My advice to anyone who thinks their relationship was already on the last straw is that transition will likely destroy it, and my advice to any partner who finds that they can't make themselves FEEL something they don't is "Good luck, you tried your best, nobody's to blame."

Katrinka can answer your post for herself, mind you, and I'm not mad - I just wanted to say that, personally, back then a comment like yours would've left me sobbing and convinced I was a failure as a human being. You meant well, but not all of us can rewire ourselves to be OK with all the changes transition entails, even if we want to. (I'm delighted with the end point, where I have a wonderful gorgeous wife. It was the changes in the middle that damn near killed me and could have wrecked our marriage.)

[Jess42]

Katrinka, I guess this is a step forward for her, but I don't blame you for having mixed feelings about it.

Jess... well, first of all, a relationship with an abusive partner is a problem regardless of the genders involved. (You may not have seen the other thread, in which Katrinka cited "physical and emotional abuse" as the reason this marriage is not working for her.) Secondly, and I say this as someone who says that her wife "is the same person," it's not as easy as "just accept that you were always in love with a woman." I'm bisexual, my wife didn't change all that much personality-wise, and she believes she really WAS a guy once. Transition was still a hellish roller-coaster that made me suicidally depressed for close to a year. I don't regret it and I'm desperately grateful that we stayed together, but that is coming at it from the perspective of having a relationship that was *otherwise* very solid *and* knowing that we got the happy ending. My advice to anyone who thinks their relationship was already on the last straw is that transition will likely destroy it, and my advice to any partner who finds that they can't make themselves FEEL something they don't is "Good luck, you tried your best, nobody's to blame."

Katrinka can answer your post for herself, mind you, and I'm not mad - I just wanted to say that, personally, back then a comment like yours would've left me sobbing and convinced I was a failure as a human being. You meant well, but not all of us can rewire ourselves to be OK with all the changes transition entails, even if we want to. (I'm delighted with the end point, where I have a wonderful gorgeous wife. It was the changes in the middle that damn near killed me and could have wrecked our marriage.)

Yeah. Sorry. I just went back and read the former post. No physical and/or mental abuse is never OK, no matter the gender.

[Athena]

I just wanted to say that Katrinka made the right call. She made a call that far too many people don't and the abuse just gets worse.

Katrinka I wish you the best, be safe and be happy.

[Sayra]

Kat made the right call for her. Btw, 2 cats does not a crazy cat lady make!!

I hope that the change in gender status on FB provides the closure you both need. For you, I hope that it signifies that you too are a woman, one that also will find happiness in the future. Perhaps the best thing to do is to look forwards. She's going to have to figure her own life out seperate from you and you can now live a little lighter on your own.

Glad you've been able to get to a place where life just is.

[dalebert]

Kat made the right call for her. Btw, 2 cats does not a crazy cat lady make!!

It's not really about the numbers alone. I just have one cat and I'm a crazy cat lady. I'm not even a lady.

[StraightInLoveMTF]

Wish you the both the very best. Glad you both were able to get closure so you can move forward.