Everything has changed post-top surgery

[sarahtyne]

Hi all, I'm new, but I just don't know where else to go with this. My ftm partner is under the radar with everyone in my life so I can't talk to anyone. This post is long and rambly and I don't even know if there is a point. A lot of it is just vented feelings, and once its out there, I probably won't even really believe what it says, but I need to get this out and I think I need someone to read it. ):

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyf for over a year and a half now. We both have a lot of issues, but we've always worked on them together. At the beginning of the year we decided that we'd make top surgery a priority for him before we see eachother again (both of us work crappy jobs and he's in the US, I'm in Australia) and 2 weeks ago it finally happened.

I was so excited. So happy for him.

But basically since he woke up post-surgery all his feelings about life changed. The way he puts it, he can finally see that he has a future now, where he couldn't before. Which I completely understand. His dysphoria has really messed up his life. He's been an addict since he was a teenager, relapsed several times (most recently 3 months ago. Only just managed to sober up in time for surgery). We've leaned hard on eachother these last 6 months. It was tough. His relapse meant that most if not all of the money for surgery came from my savings. I have no regrets. I love him. He needed this.

But I guess I kept telling myself through all this that we just had to get through this, and then we could focus on being together again. When he sobered up, he promised me that it was going to be our priority now.

But since he woke up... his feelings have changed. He doesn't need me now. And because he doesn't need me he doesn't miss me so much. He doesn't feel that he loves me as intensely. He feels like he can have a future now, where before apparently the only thing that let him see that was me. I was his everything, but now he sees how unhealthy that was and we need to learn to be independent from one another.

It all sounds so good. And I'm happy.

But I'm not. Instead of seeing eachother in February (it was originally November before he relapsed) it now might be July. If it fits in with college. Which he's now decided he's going back to in January instead of August. I'm excited he's going back to school, but he didn't talk any of this over with me. He cut me out of his life for two weeks post-surgery, and then dumped all this on me yesterday.

I feel... betrayed. Not because he's getting his life together, but because all of a sudden I'm not a significant part of it. I'm not a priority anymore. We were going to get engaged next time we saw eachother. Now he doesn't know if he wants to do that ever. Which would mean we could never physically be together because of immigration laws. I feel like all of a sudden I don't matter.

Everything that we've been working towards is now gone. I've given up so much for our relationship. And I was always happy to do it. But now I can't help but feel used.

He says he still loves me. He just doesn't know what he wants from our relationship anymore. Or if he even wants one. He wants to slow things down.

It's already been over a year since we've seen eachother. He doesn't seem bothered at all making it another 12 months before its a possibility again.

He doesn't want to break up. Neither do I. But he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He doesn't see any of it as a big deal because his reasons for it are all so logical. And now he's angry at me for being upset and 'overreacting'.

But it being logical doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me feel any less hurt or betrayed or any less angry about the broken promises. Effectively, I've lost the boyfriend that I had. I've lost our closeness. I've lost the stability of what I knew my future was going to be. And I'm grieving for that. I love him. We can get through this. It will all balance out with time.

But I'm grieving and hurt and he can't see that.

I feel like I've given everything I had, and gotten nothing back in return. And now I don't even have the secure knowledge of his love and hope for our future. This year has been all about him. And we'd decided that because after surgery we could move on with our lives together. And now...that's not going to happen because he changed his mind. And apparently I'm not allowed to be upset about that. I am ecstatic that he's found another reason to live for. But I never thought that it would mean that he wouldn't really want me anymore once he stopped needing me.


I just... Everything hurts.


Thanks guys.

[HellsbellsMio]

Hi...

Wow, that's.. I don't really know what to say after reading it. I very well understand that you're hurt and upset, it's a difficult situation for you both. All such situations are so sensitive to misunderstandings, when strong feelings are involved a single word or intonation can suddenly mean so much, even if one hadn't raised an eyebrow at it if the relationship felt stable.

I think your reasoning in the text is logical, at least I had no problem understanding your side and that you feel as you do. A year is a long time, after all. A two year gap in actually meeting one another in a relationship is a lot. A person changes constantly, and a relationhip is something that (accordning to me) has to follow those changes and evolve with them to work. Of course there is first and foremost love, and the possibility of seeing each other and talk trough Skype and such. But in the long run I think that real in the flesh contact is very important.

In my perspective it doesn't really seem fair, or good for any of you, to be locked in some sort of agreement of a future life togehter for another year without meeting or knowing for sure. And I'm not saying that you don't love each other or anything, just that it can't (in my perspective) be good to limit yourself that much in life, to hope or plan so much and live by a maybe for a whole year. Anything could happen, really.

My outlook on life in general is to live in the here and now, to live in a way so that you won't regret sacrificing big chunks of your time on earth to be happy later, when you migh very well be gone by some obscure accident tomorrow.



Hum, I could give it a try to give you some advice, but don't forget that it's just my perspective on it. What I believe I would have done and my reasons for beliving so are based on myself and the little glimpse of your problem I got by reading your post.

Well, then. First of, I think your text here is very clear and easy to understand, it's heartfelt and well put. Maybe you could send it to your boyfriend as a letter? That would give him time to read it and let it sink in. It could be that talking in realtime about it makes you both stressed and he might feel defensive or afraid or what ever, which  would mean that he don't have the presence of mind to really listen and take in your side of the situation. It could also be that you don't express your feelings as clear in a discussion as you do in the written word. You might not get the chance to lay it all out in good order without beeing interupted and so on. So, send it as a letter and ask him to either answer with a letter of his own, or to call you back when he's thought about it for a little while and let it sunk in.

If it comes to not seeing each other for another year... Maybe take the idea of pausing the relationship untill you can acctually meet up for discussion? Taking it up for discussion doesn't mean that it is what you necessarily want, but it could be good to at least talk about. Partly to relieve the tension and expectations, and partly so that you don't feel that your life only can be right if you're waiting for him to decide if you have a future or not. It's not ending anything, just acknowledging the fact that you're in a kind of paused relationship when you can't meet anyway. It might make you feel a bit better about yourself and help you focus more positively on your own life here and now and leave the future to the future.

I really hope it goes well for you both! You seem like a really thoughtful and kind person and I wish the best for you.

ps:don't forget that you yourself know your own feelings and what's best to do for you, you can read and hear others point of view, but they can never now how it acctually is for you. Just trust yourself <3

-Mumrik

[sarahtyne]

We haven't even spoken about it all on call yet. We were going to yesterday but I was 10 minutes late home from work and he was already asleep when I called. (normally something that wouldn't have bothered me at all because it's a bad time difference, but with the way things are right now, felt like I'd been stabbed)

I think one of the hardest parts is that while he's decided (rightly so) that the way he needed me was unhealthy, he's also decided that my needing him at all his also unhealthy. Which to be honest I've kind of taken as 'I don't want to deal with your stuff'. It's possible that in my mind I've taken it a step further than what he actually meant it as, but to be honest, I've never relied on him that much emotionally. Definitely not as much as I could have ( I have anxiety and depression, but I'm aware of my feelings and usually pretty good at managing them on my own). And if you can't call your SO for reassurance and comfort at the end of a terrible day, or when you're in tears, well... what's the point? There's meant to be a balance, and it feels like he's gone from one extreme to the other.

I wrote him something pretty similar to what I posted this morning. His response was to just repeat his explanations. *sighs* I think I just need to pull right back for a while until I can manage my emotions again. He seems to think that just because I agree with him on a lot of things, that I shouldn't be upset. And that's just not how it works. It was the suddeness, the way he went about it, and the distinct impressions he's giving that I'm just not that important to him anymore. If he'd talked to me about how he was feeling when he started feeling it I could have adjusted along the way. Like you said, people are constantly changing and relationships need to be able to change with them. Instead he cut me out, did all the changing on his own and then presented himself to me as if to say 'this is how it is now. If you can't deal, then I guess we're done' and isn't giving me the time I need to process the change and adjust accordingly. He's had weeks. I've had a day. And he can't even tell me concretely the way he wants things to change.

[EchelonHunt]

Your post resonated with me deeply.

I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl in USA (I live in Australia) for four years. I postponed top-surgery to go visit her for two months - we both agreed that since I took the leap to go visit her, that she would visit me in Australia the next year after. I had plans to drive her up north to see a waterfall and take her to a really nice inn for a romantic getaway.

In the last month, the second last week before I was due to fly home, she wanted to have an open relationship. I agreed (big mistake) and when I arrived home in Australia, she stopped messaging me as much. Stopped emailing me as much. All her online activity was about this new love interest of hers and very little said about me, despite we became engaged during those two months. I told her I missed her and she would get angry at me, I asked if she was still planning on visiting Australia and she said she changed her mind, that she wants to focus moving out with her new love interest and that she wanted ME to fly back at the end of the year to live with her and her new love interest.

That was painful. We had originally planned to live together in a house - not together with her new love interest. The future as I knew it crushed before my very eyes. In open relationships, there are supposed to be a balance and communication. There was NO balance or communication at all, no matter how hard I tried to communicate with her. She was dating her love interest and made no effort to keep in contact with me - it was like I didn't exist, like what we shared over four years never existed.

She admitted she had stopped loving me before I came to visit her in USA. She broke off the engagement, broke up with me and yes, still expected me to move to USA to live with her and her love interest. That was the biggest insult of all. Needless to say, I cut off all contact with her and came to see what a narcissistic, manipulative person she was. She used me when I was convenient and threw me away when I was of no use to her. 

Not to say your boyfriend is like this!

Top surgery is life-changing. His mind and body may need time to cope with the new changes and the recovery... and by the sounds of it, he's already adjusted. Only problem is he left you out of the process which isn't cool but long distance, what can you do? The very least he could have done was send weekly email updates about his feelings and recovery process but it sounds like he didn't even do that?

The way he's decided that you needing him was unhealthy because he felt the same regarding himself towards you is completely unfair of him. You are correct in that there needs to be a balance in a relationship and again, it's unfair of him to expect you to accept his new identity entirely without having time to adjust. 

I believe your boyfriend is giving you a reason to walk away from the relationship. He's cut you off for several weeks, paraded back into your life, expecting you to jump when he says, "Jump!" He doesn't show compassion towards your feelings at all and continues to justify his side of the story by repeating the explanations he's given. He's not listening to you because he brushes you off as 'overreacting'. To top it all off, he's vague about where he wants the relationship to go.

If the future of the relationship is uncertain, if he no longer needs you and if he's no longer being there for you - the fact he couldn't wait another 10 minutes to stay up and chat to you is very telling especially since you both planned to beforehand. If he cared about you, he would've waited - that's what I believe. Others or maybe yourself may disagree with me on this.     

I know the situations aren't the same but I understand your feelings of betrayal and hurt. You're not alone. Despite the things I've said, I hope things improve for you.

[mark s]

Welcome

sarahtyne: It seems there are two major points in the transition (from stories i head/read), the point where he/she looks like the gender he/she wants to look like and that other people don't mistake them for who they were. The second punt is surgery.

At  both points they can be more themselves. At both points is like they are a new person and need to rediscover themselves.
Sorry if i scare you but I have heard, from my girl, a few trans people that changed alot post surgery. They had boyfriends/girlfriends and after they had surgery they went all out and they ruined their relationships.

If he really loves you and wants to stay with you he will try to work it out with you. In my honest opinion if I schedule a chat session with my girl (for example after she comes home or something) and she's not there after 20 minutes and I got no text of her that she's late or can't make it I will start to worry about her and send her a text. That is because she isn't the type to miss things she planned without calling it off or saying she will be late.

It's good that you two supported each other and is good that he is picking up his life, but he needs to give you the attention you deserve.

EchelonHunt:
I don't believe in "open" relationships, especially in long distance relationships. You are basically giving them a free card to screw around and cheat on you. All relationships are based on trust. If someone asks me to be in an open relationship I would question as to why they want it (do they want to do something with other people?). If somebody asked me to live with an other love interest or I learned something was going on with someone else I would say "drop dead and have fun with him instead" and cut all contact.

[LeosGirl]

Hi sarahtyne. I have never posted here much because I joined to support my boyfriend and he hasn't been on for quite some time because of being attacked over some very stupid drama that he was not even in the wrong for, but I really felt the need to say something to you because of how similar our situations are. I am a cis SO to a trans man, also in a long distance relationship (I live in the US and he is in Scotland and we've been together over two years) and we are actually getting pretty close to the point of him having his top surgery too. I can't REALLY do much to help just because this is clearly something you and your boyfriend are going to have to figure out together, but maybe knowing someone that can really relate to you cares will help. Everything you are saying you feel is totally valid and I can completely see why you are so hurt and I truly am SO sorry that he is acting like this. Him being trans does not give him the right to act like that. Yes, I get that surgeries can have a huge affect on his dysphoria, but actually making stop loving you, it doesn't make sense and that's not right at all, nor is pulling away from you and expecting you to go along with it.
How I see it is your boyfriend needs to have a bit of a wake up call. He seems to really be taking you for granted, all you've done for your relationship, all the support you have given, and something needs to happen to get him to realize that. Personally what I would do is cut ties with him for a little while. Show him what it's going to be like without you, and do this for yourself to so you have time to sort through how you feel. Hopefully that would make him see how much he misses you and he would shape up and be better to you again because you really do not deserve the way he is acting right now at all! It might actually end in the relationship being over too though, and I'm sorry but you might honestly have to face that. You don't deserve this at all, and yes it will hurt a LOT. You have invested so much time and love into him but if he is going to end up being this much of a jerk, you don't need that. I really hope it doesn't come to that though for your sake. That's really the only option I can see with him just giving you the same explanations over and over when you try to talk. Not saying it will be easy on you though..
Anyway, just my attempt at giving advice, this is a really hard situation and you can listen to what I said or not, but just please know that I care very much and I really do hope for the best for you, no matter what that ends up being, and I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now. *hugs*


Edited.

[sarahtyne]

@LeosGirl and @Echelonhunt

Thanks guys. I think I've decided to pull back emotionally for a while, but not cut ties completely. Try and protect myself emotionally while still letting him know that he is loved and missed, and get to know him again while he still processes things. In the meantime I'm gonna prioritise all the things that I'd been putting off to help him. Move closer to my friends, who all moved to the mainland years ago, and get out of the job that's been making me miserable, but I kept because we needed the money.

If he's gonna take time, then I may as well too. It feels... weird... but if we stay together and we aren't going to be together permanently until after he's done with college, then I can't put my life on hold that long. I have no interest in seeing anyone else. I never wanted a relationship with anyone before him. That's how I knew he was special. An open relationship isn't an option for us. I'd have to REALLY like and trust the other person he was interested in to be comfortable with that (and really, what's the chances of that happening with him so far away?)

And yeah, he's been on T for 2 years now.


Edited.