Constantly trying to reinvent yourself as your birth gender?

[Indecision]

Is a constant need to try and "reinvent" yourself as the gender you were assigned at birth a common thing for trans people? Or am I just delusional/multiple personality syndrome?

Over the past 4 years I've tried to come out a total of 7 times and chickened out a total of .. 7 times (hence the username!). I always seem to reach a point where I try to look for a male role model - either a fictional or non-fictional character - and just try to be like them. I do all sorts of stuff, change my lifestyle, my interests, my look, style of clothing, mannerisms and the way I talk - everything to just try and do what the person I "want" to be like would do.

Needless to say this eventually wears off and I either get stuck with the fear of having to face gender dysphoria or I pick a new role model and try to be like him. I'm starting to worry that I might be delusional or have some kind of mental health problem. Does this sound like the symptom of something else or is this common amongst trans/non binary people? Thanks for your help.

[Klaus]

I definitely tried to emulate fictional characters growing up, but they were always male. Looking back I think it was a way to be able to express my gender identity with others thinking just "oh, he's not really trying to be a boy, he's just trying to be like Sherlock Holmes."

I can't say how common this is, but you're definitely not alone. When you're a transgender person, you have to compartmentalize your identity so much that fictional characters, who have dynamic personalities that are often unrealistically consistent, are a breath of fresh air. Maybe we want to model that consistency to some degree, and in your case, it sounds like you were trying to cope with living as your birth sex by finding a character you related to. That's entirely understandable.

I know for me, once I really embraced who I was (and that's a process that's different for everyone) it started to feel a lot better just being myself than trying to be someone else. Whatever/whenever you decide, I'm sure you'll find the same. Good luck and welcome to the forums!

[mrs izzy]

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Izzy

[Cin]

I don't know if it counts, but I often listen/watch 'tough' stuff to make me feel male, it works, but only temporarily. When I see a movie where the lead character shows absolutely no emotion and goes about his job like a professional, I try to emulate it, but I realize how Impractical it is.

[Indecision]

I definitely tried to emulate fictional characters growing up, but they were always male. Looking back I think it was a way to be able to express my gender identity with others thinking just "oh, he's not really trying to be a boy, he's just trying to be like Sherlock Holmes."

I can't say how common this is, but you're definitely not alone. When you're a transgender person, you have to compartmentalize your identity so much that fictional characters, who have dynamic personalities that are often unrealistically consistent, are a breath of fresh air. Maybe we want to model that consistency to some degree, and in your case, it sounds like you were trying to cope with living as your birth sex by finding a character you related to. That's entirely understandable.

I know for me, once I really embraced who I was (and that's a process that's different for everyone) it started to feel a lot better just being myself than trying to be someone else. Whatever/whenever you decide, I'm sure you'll find the same. Good luck and welcome to the forums!

Thanks for the insight. Really rang true when you speak about fictional characters having an appealing consistency and identity. I suppose part of the pressure I'm feeling relates to my age - when you're growing up and you have icons it's completely understandable, but it's kind of weird to get to age 22 and not really have an identity of your own. I kind of cut myself off from relating to characters or people of the gender I identify as due to the fact it often results in a lot of upset and I get in one of my "moods". Congrats on finding yourself and thanks to you and mrs izzy for the reassurances and welcome.

I don't know if it counts, but I often listen/watch 'tough' stuff to make me feel male, it works, but only temporarily. When I see a movie where the lead character shows absolutely no emotion and goes about his job like a professional, I try to emulate it, but I realize how Impractical it is.

STRONGLY relate! It definitely counts. And it does seem to work for a while. I've tried to get into allsorts, idolising people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham all their movies and the hollywood tough guys. I suppose it works until the moment I realise that I have nothing at all in common with them and that I'm probably trying to build a tough exterior to a problem that's already inside. I totally get it though, thanks for the input.

[mrs izzy]

Mental health, dysphoria can carry depression, anxiety.

Delusional, never that's what non understanding CIS calls us.

Just be the person who you are.

Me i am me nothing more or less.

Break free of what you think others might want you to be. Break the societal handcuffs.

[Illuminess]

That's an interesting question. I don't think I've tried to reinvent myself, but I've definitely struggled with whether or not transitioning is what I should do. It's all part of dysphoria, really. One day everything feels right and you're absolutely certain you're on the right track, and then you slip back down into the dark giving yourself every reason in the book why it's all just a huge act of futility. Honestly, I can't think of anyone who would be a male role model. I guess the closest thing would be Brian Molko from the band Placebo, but that kind of defeats the purpose. There are just things about the male gender that I'll never resonate with so there's no way I could emulate that without feeling extremely uncomfortable, coming across as fake, looking exaggerative or being accused of "over-compensating".

[GenTechJ]

I don't try to reinvent myself or place myself in certain roles. I have however decided on role models, women I look up to or who match my personality. You don't have to like the things you're "supposed" to because of your gender identity.

I was born male. My favorite color for as long as I can remember is pink. When pink was no longer acceptable for boys of my age I picked orange as my new favorite color. I still love both, but kept the pink part hidden. I enjoy pro wrestling, action movies, scifi, video games. Why do those have to be male or female? I was surprised that I actually enjoyed watching the Sex and the City movie with one of my friends. I wasn't friend zoned like I thought, she knew like all my other female friends before I admitted I was female. Meanwhile, I still look up to Xena, Alice (Resident Evil movies), Michelle Rodriguez (anything she's in basically).

What I'm trying to say and failing at, is your birth gender has nothing to do with who you are, even if you identify with your birth gender. Society tries to dictate what is male/female and fails on a regular basis.

[Illuminess]

I enjoy pro wrestling, action movies, scifi, video games. Why do those have to be male or female? I was surprised that I actually enjoyed watching the Sex and the City movie with one of my friends. I wasn't friend zoned like I thought, she knew like all my other female friends before I admitted I was female. Meanwhile, I still look up to Xena, Alice (Resident Evil movies), Michelle Rodriguez (anything she's in basically).

What I'm trying to say and failing at, is your birth gender has nothing to do with who you are, even if you identify with your birth gender. Society tries to dictate what is male/female and fails on a regular basis.

I never got into wrestling, and I'm picky about action movies, but I love sci-fi and first-person shooters like Bioshock and Fallout. They might be typically associated as male interests, but I know plenty of natal women who love that stuff, too. We obsess too much over what's masculine or feminine, especially the gatekeepers who want to see hyper-femininity or no letter, but reality just isn't that black-and-white. I, too, adored Xena over Hercules, and Alice makes me want to kill zombies with guns and everyone else with my sexy bad-assness. I've always had a thing for those strong women who take no ->-bleeped-<- and speak their minds. The overly girly girls are sweet, but I can only take so much before I want to jump into pit full of spikes.

But yeah, who cares what everyone else thinks. To feel like a woman is the beginning and the end; everything else is just society "genderising" and trying to put everyone into a box. And because of that it makes it difficult to come out to people who will do the exact same thing. "So you say you're a woman, but why aren't you wearing a dress and a ton of makeup, and why don't you have the complete DVD set of Desperate Housewives?" Uh.. HELLO. Have you not left your house ever? I mean, my mother doesn't even match that. She wears jeans, lots of black, and watches Doctor Who.

All you have to be is YOURSELF. Sure, identifying as female usually means having certain preferences that men won't have, and are probably going to find beauty products far more necessary, but then again, maybe not! It really doesn't matter. You are who you are, and everyone else can go...do things.. to themselves.

[Illuminess]

A couple of inspirational quotes:

"In Shamanic understanding, all words are spells. Everything we think or say cascades into reality. When I repeat to myself the thought that I'm not that smart, or beautiful, or deserving, I'm literally cursing myself. Those thoughts go out into the world and bring me situations and outcomes that prove the thoughts. Let's watch our words today and become aware of how words affect our bodies and our lives."
— Mia Genis

"The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode. The true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives; the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years." — Audrey Hepburn

[GenTechJ]

A couple of inspirational quotes:

"In Shamanic understanding, all words are spells. Everything we think or say cascades into reality. When I repeat to myself the thought that I'm not that smart, or beautiful, or deserving, I'm literally cursing myself. Those thoughts go out into the world and bring me situations and outcomes that prove the thoughts. Let's watch our words today and become aware of how words affect our bodies and our lives."
— Mia Genis

This right here is what I've been telling people without success. Words have power. We can continue to give them power, or we can take that power away. People can insult all they want, if we let it get to us we give them power over us. If we ignore them, we take the power away from them.

Also I constantly get on my ex-wife (whom I still live with) about her negativity and how it can actually impact our lives. The more you call negativity, the more it will happen. Meanwhile I'm trying to call in positivity, enough for everyone in the house and to try and counteract her negativity, and it's causing me all kinds of mental issues. I can't sleep. My nightmares (which I've always had problems with) are getting worse. She's getting pissy because I'm trying to remind her to think positive and she thinks I'm not stressed. Nothing I eat stays in me long anymore. But I'm obviously not taking things seriously enough. Because I'm staying positive. We get what we put out.

[JoanneB]

In my case I relied on the flip side of the same coin. Rather than reinvent, I reenforced. I had some traits I liked and ran with along with forever building up the facade of "Being a Guy". As the case of other Hollywood facades I too became a two dimensional image, not a person.

[Contravene]

I've experienced this too and until recently I was afraid I had multiple personalities or another type of disorder but the symptoms of those disorders never quite fit. I finally started seeing a therapist a few months ago and after talking things out with him I realized that I had just never really developed my own identity.

When I was really young I couldn't stand being female, my birth gender, so I would emulate my favorite male cartoon characters. I vividly remember watching a cartoon one day and realizing that all the main characters were male but I was female. I had this sinking feeling of "I'm not a boy like them, I thought I was. I'm stuck as a girl, I can never be a boy." That's a really profound and depressing thing for a little kid to experience. After that I sort of emulated the male characters I liked as a way of escaping the gender I couldn't identify with. Even as a young adult I would pretend to be male characters from movies I liked or books I read because it was a safe way to keep my true gender identity intact. I was basically living in my own head constantly because my true self couldn't exist outside in the real world.

When I became an "adult" (around 18) is when things got really confusing. I was never able to make my own friends in school thanks to my social anxiety but my sister had plenty of friends and she begrudgingly let me into their little circle. It was the first time I wasn't just living in my head anymore so it was great, the only problem was I still couldn't express my male gender identity to all these female friends but I enjoyed finally having friends so I started to base my identity on them and who they thought I was. That was the first time I tried to reinvent myself as my birth gender. All the other times I had been trying to find an acceptable way to be my real gender. After college we all eventually drifted apart so without them my identity completely fell apart. Right now I'm still trying to recover.

I guess the moral of all that is; don't worry, you're definitely not alone and you don't have any sort of personality disorder. If you aren't seeing a therapist you should consider it because it can really help you sort things out and make sense of everything. It's also dangerous to base your whole identity on other people, real or fictional, because eventually you may end up feeling as if you've lost yourself completely like I did.

[jamesdoran]

For a long time I would go through phases where I would start dressing more girly and painting my nails, stuff like that, because I figured if I tried hard enough I would start to feel like the girl whose body I was born into.