My "Family" and those who don't understand (Such as my neighbors)

[Shana-chan]

warning, this might trigger something, you've been warned...

"Family" is supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. "Family" is supposed to help each other out and NOT ask for compensation back such as for gas money for driving 3 hours there + back to take you to the doctor or some other NEEDED place to be, especially when one cannot afford to get to a place unless someone takes them. (It IS understandable that they be paid back if they are TRUELY having financial trouble though but in my case, that is NOT the case with my "family") Heck they shouldn't even bring the subject up unless again, financial trouble. "Family" is supposed to make you feel like you are loved, part of the family, wanted IN the family and that you matter to them all the time and not just "a part or none of the time." "Family" is supposed to go to the depths of hell for each other and keep at it until all else fails and nothing can be done to salvage the relationship. "family" is supposed to love you for WHO YOU ARE and not what they "think" you are.

That is what "family" is supposed to be and I'm sure more but that should cover most of it. Why do I bring this up? Because on Wednesday of this week I had a kind of triggering and depressing event happen to me caused my ignorant (Says in a nice way rather than the negative meaning behind it) neighbor (He's a nice guy, not truly ignorant, just blind) who I'd put so much trust in... before you can understand that, this is my situation (You can skip this part and look for the bolded text below if its too long and you just want to know what my neighbor said/did to me but this next part WILL help you understand the circumstances a LOT better), my Dad moved away when he knew I still needed him in my life (My sis as well but mainly me) and tried to enforce HIS belief that I can afford the bus or a taxi which I can't. (I have no car, nor license and cannot afford to take care of a car) I only go to the grocery store once a month, if I have to make a 2nd trip it's only for bread and that I can walk to and from to get. (It's a 45 min walk to/from the grocery store fyi) But the 1st trip I load up for the month. To make matters worse, I have only one other family member in town with a car that can help me and they know my situation and have refused to help me. (I don't know them that well tbh but I am still family and they my family) Now before I go further, understand, for two years my Dad when he lived close to me would take me to the store, but did still make mention of the gas cost just like he did a month or so ago when taking me to the doc, least he's doing that for my injury, but not for any other doc/appointment I have to get too atm. Prior to this, my only other family I know that is somewhat close by are an hour or so away from where I live and they used me/my sis and lied to us, haven't kept in contact with us and kicked us off of their land even though the home was ours despite the title being in her name. So they and their families who did the same fyi aren't people I can turn to unless dire need and even then I know "family" and them all too well, they wouldn't help me. Then there is one of my brothers, he works all the time, never calls and well, what brother? lol Then there is my other brother who is a police officer and is married, I know how his wife feels about me being a woman and would force me to wear men's clothing and such if I went to live with them and whatever the wife says, goes says my brother. Now, my brother (police officer one) does try to keep in contact, he does seem to care and he might help me out if I had to move again but grocery shopping I still doubt because his job is a most busy one... any other family is either dead or I don't know and they live out of state and such.

So, what did my neighbor say to me and why did this upset, depress and trigger something from me? Well, because he went over (In a kind calmly manner) his and his wife's situation and how many hours he works. He said how family/friends should be there to help you and they should be the ones to ask first and all he asks is that I ask them first before asking them as they'll be a back up as he put it but if I don't ask them first he said they'll feel taken advantage of. (That last part REALLY hit a nerve and hurt me badly, I DON'T take advantage of people and I know he said them feel, not him saying I was bu it still hurt, There is more but I'll pause for a moment) That really got to me because he doesn't understand what my "family" is like and I know full well what a "family" is supposed to be like thank you but not ALL "families" are like that fyi. (Wished I'd said that but tried to put another way) And also I don't have any "friends" irl, only online and not like THEY can help me. He then proceeded to ask me how me getting a car was coming and I told him the truth, my financial situation is this and because I now have to go into therapy soonish I won't have barely anything left over to save up ($30 each month and THIS from someone who is savvy and conserves and doesn't spend money on stuff each month that she doesn't need and knows how to get by) I told him more about the situation I was in regarding earning money and he didn't say anything back however, during the conversation and throughout that day. He made mention/remarks/hints about how they aren't my friends. This is his fault actually because he said if I ever transitioned I wouldn't want to be around them. He's ignorant (This time says in a negative way) to trans people but not like most, just that he refuses to actually listen and believe that a trans person IS who they say they are and I quote "I honestly don't want too." Is what he said when I made mention to him that before any kind of conversation regarding me being trans is brought up, he should study up on the subject and maybe even get an opinion/advice from a GID/GD therapist. (That came up because he made mention how he wanted to talk to me about me being trans and it didn't sound good) Ahem, sorry, got off track, anyway, he made those hints and such which I could tell he was doing on purpose because he wants to be my friend, the BEST I can call him is a REALLY good acquaintance. He knows the reason why it's hard for me to make friends, he knows the reason why I can't be his friend and he DARES to get annoyed/hurt at me because we aren't friends and I can't be his friend and because due to my injury, I've had to ask for more help than I normally do?

To be fair though, he's a kind person, goes out of his way to help others and isn't normally like that. He's even offered to help me in dire times of need if such a dire time comes up and I can pay him back later or not at all if I'm unable too. (I'd pay him back if I could of course) He & his wife both have been helping me get to the grocery store when I needed to get there even asking me nearly each week if I needed anything. They've helped me get to other places such as a doc, soon to be dentist and other places too. They've helped me a lot and I could go on but that's enough. The point is, they're really kind caring people. Anyway, I do think I also hurt him by giving him $5 for his gas/time. I'll have to explain that to him because I'd do that to even a friend, it's nothing personal, I just don't feel it's right and I don't like feeling indebted to anyone.

But yeah, long story short, he really hurt me that day and the sad thing about my "family" is, that all this is not because I'm trans, oh lord no. Add being trans into the mix then you get "conditions" which must be met or no help. Such has been the case with my "Dad". So is it ANY WONDER why I keep using "" for the word "Family" and am distrusting and distant to others? Well, "family" is only a part of it and you've only heard the more recent happenings in my life, growing up was a war zone and stressful and full of lies/deceit and "friends", well, back stabbed, they/I moved away or, we lost touch with each other due to various stuff.

I needed to get this off of my chest but would be happy to read anything anyone has to say and thank you for reading this, especially if all of it and sorry if it triggered you.

[Cin]

Your post made me realize how thankful I am for my family, they'd do anything to make me happy, but if I told my secret to them, things may change a little, but I'm sure it won't.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your neighbor to learn about transgender people, he already knows enough about you, and if the time he has spent with you hasn't yet made him learn about transgender people, I guess he's alright with you as a person, but for some reason has transphobia or at least doesn't want to be seen with a transgender person. It shouldn't matter if you're trans or not, but I can't speak for your friend, maybe it's his family or friends that would give him a hard time. 

A lot of what you're family is doing seems unreasonable to me, I think they could support for you a little while longer, since you're not doing well at the moment, if you can't fall back on your family during your darkest hours, then who else do you have? I'm sorry about that. I don't know if there's any advice I can give you, but everybody needs someone when times are bad, I hope people around you change a little.

[pianoforte]

It's so rough when a family isn't enough. I hope being able to write about this and put your feelings online has helped you.

Your neighbor sounds like someone who could be a good friend/acquaintence, if he is willing to learn more about trans stuff and/or listen to you if you say that your family is not really there.

I hope that you someday find local support that is helpful to you and doesn't create undue demands on you. Sorry there is so much stress going on around your current situation. But we are here for you =)

[Jera]

So much of what you're talking about resonates a lot with me. Whatever people should or ought to be, sometimes I think family just means people you're related to, and nothing more. "Shoulds" only make things hurt more. For me, anyway.

It sounds like your neighbor is trying to set boundaries, even if not in the best way possible. Boundaries can be a good thing, sparing a lot of hurt when emotions run higher later on. Everybody causes hurt, in the end, one way or another. The only person who might not is you, and sometimes I feel like that's all you can rely on.

Sorry though, I really want to be more supportive somehow. I suppose the most supportive thing I can muster right now, for whatever it's worth, is a hope that somehow, things will take a turn for the better for you, soon.

[AnneB]

i am probably missing something here, but, the neighbor, to me, seems much more loving/caring than your family, 'cept the cop brother.  i don't read it as the neighbor is nosey, seems very much interested in your welfare.  i can see them asking you to check with others first, in a way, maybe trying to have you help yourself before depending on them.  Everyones different, i would be thankful for good neighbors like them.  that wasnt a slight, in any way, either, hon..  not meant to be.. like i wrote, i may be missing something important.. reading comprehension isnt my strongest suite.. i was more of a math major

hugs for you, in any event!!

[Shana-chan]

Bad news

Today, my neighbor agreed to take me to the store tomorrow, at a certain time which worked for me. Then, a minute later he calls back asks if I can go at 10 in the morning and I try to explain how thanks to my injury and being out of work I've gotten off schedule, he THEN proceeds to talk like my "Dad" does and got a tone with me saying "Well we're taking you to the store and you need to work around our schedule, is that understood?" I almost lost my cool with him but thankfully he interrupted and I said that's fine I'll see you in the morning. To be honest, that is NOT fine nor was it cool the tone he got with me, how he was acting like my damn "Dad" (who if you couldn't tell has left scars on me, emotionally) and how he was acting all polite and "asking" if 10 in the morning could work for me and does a COMPLETE 180 and starts making demands like that. It REALLY p.o's  me to no end when people act all "fake" like that and are really just masking their TRUE intent which is, my way or the freaking highway! Needless to say, due to the recent string of events, I won't be relying on him as much as I have been or getting closer if I can  help it. He's pushing me away (Whether intentional or not) and I DON'T need to be around someone who starts speaking like my Damned "Father."

Oh and incase you're wondering, I have an appointment which he or his wife is taking me to at noon sharp, so no unlike he said I cannot go back to sleep, there won't be enough time to and, because of said appointment happening last, this means the thing I might have needed to get while AT the store (In addition to other things) won't be happening because I'll have already gone TO said store and I won't know if I'll need it until AFTER said appointment. So NOW I got to ask my "Dad" if when I see him soon, he wouldn't mind running me by the same store to GET whatever I may need if in fact, I end up having to get it. And I was in SUCH a good mood too, I did NOT need this nor do I need it period!

There is nothing wrong with wanting your neighbor to learn about transgender people,
but for some reason has transphobia or at least doesn't want to be seen with a transgender person. It shouldn't matter if you're trans or not, but I can't speak for your friend, maybe it's his family or friends that would give him a hard time. 
A lot of what you're family is doing seems unreasonable to me,
if you can't fall back on your family during your darkest hours, then who else do you have?

There is apparently to some for whatever reason'(s)
Can you say religion? Yeah, once again religion is the reason behind it all. To be fair though, if it wasn't for religion he might not be the caring person he is, thus wouldn't help me out. Oh and, he's NOT my friend.
Well such is MY "family" and I'm not the only one who can see that either..
Me myself and I or hope to heck that SOMEONE in real life can give enough crap to help me out...

It sounds like your neighbor is trying to set boundaries, even if not in the best way possible. Boundaries can be a good thing, sparing a lot of hurt when emotions run higher later on. Everybody causes hurt, in the end, one way or another. The only person who might not is you, and sometimes I feel like that's all you can rely on.

It was how he went about those "boundaries" that was not good and THESE boundaries and how he went about his words as well as what happened today, are only making me more distant than closer.

[Jera]

It was how he went about those "boundaries" that was not good and THESE boundaries and how he went about his words as well as what happened today, are only making me more distant than closer.

From what you've said so far, it really kind of sounds a lot like that's his goal.

Either way, please be careful. I hope you do find that support you need.

[Taka]

that's no fun.

but unfortunately, those who are willing to give will be taken advantage of. and will never get back what they have given.
neither will they get help when they truly need it, other people just aren't that nice.

other than that, i can still see a hundred different reasons why i might suddenly have to change the time i can take a neighbor to the store. my schedule isn't free at all, and all kinds of things come up suddenly. i would not take my brother to the store at a time that doesn't fit in my schedule, if his only reason is... (what's your reason again?)

i would easily offer all my free time for family. but if that time suddenly isn't free, i can't. in general, i tell people that i can buy stuff for them on my way home from work, and if i'm not going anywhere in the afternoon, they'll have to take the bus.

my family aren't supporting either, but at least they're useful for practical stuff. mom's helpfulness might change if i come out, but at least i'm lucky enough to be fairly independent. i'm sorry none of your actual family try to help you with at least getting groceries and going to the doctor.