Loved talking with you last night Patty dear. I vented an awful lot of frustration again onto you your very strong support system.
The thing I love about you most is that you get it, that I am true non binary, but you also understand the volatility of an nb mtf marrage with a straight cis woman. And how many times have you put humpty dumpty back together again when sh'e feel off the rope. You, and Atavan, and Aisla, and Julie at times, a dear friend, all have had to pick up a 3 quarters dead fairy and bring h'er life back. No crap. 3 times we have gone through this. And my hormones are still at pregnancy levels due to the endo's accidental overdose on E Cyp- although now I feel really great hormonally. If those moods swing it'll be auntie Shan trying to ground me in the emotional mess that would result in a pool of self pity, fear, and general bullcrap.
Interesting I thought Satinjoy would be in control right now but SJ is. SJ is male, Satinjoy is female. Take the cues from the signatures when I post. Both are me, I am SJ Satinjoy and proud of it.
I need to address this diverted thread.
First every single post that is in it was delivered in Love. The people on the thread that are mtf are my closest friends. I fiercely love and protect Jessica, we know that, look at the creature thread. Others see what is really minor dysphoric pain, and they react because they don't like to see me suffer at all with it. No worries. Part of my very unique gender is this discomfort. I know exactly how to handle it. Investing in therapy did this. Being here did this. Ativan sees the threat and remembers how hard it was to put me back together off forum. So will Aisla who is on vacation and is missing this, Aisla is the third leg of the stool of my support system on forum... So Ativan knows the consequences if my dysphoria siezes the opportunity to take me into the place of inauthenticity and self deception. Thats for me girls, I am not mtf. Physically, yes, big time, mentally and spiritually emphatically no. And so Ativan, a warrior like Patty, reacts to protect me and the forum. Of course they will. And you react in hurt, because you spoke in love from your paradyne. Your vision and angle of my diamond.
My dear, dear loves, you must understand.... your mirrors are pink and covered with glitter and feathers and the raw reality of your world, mounted on a wall of pain and victory.... you see me behind you embracing you and the reflection is pink.... my body is pink...so you apply pink to my reality.
But my mirror is on the side, and its 360 degrees, and it is every shade of the rainbow as you pivot from one to the other. it is made of pure diamond and some is feathers and incense and lace and nylon, actually all of them are rimmed with this, but as you turn, it moves to another self perception. Shades of rich violet and blue and the green of healing and the red of a fire that burns in my heart, that is who Satinjoy is. SJ Satinjoy. My emotional strength comes from her, my call to action and the intense protector of my family comes from him. Together look out. The survivor that crawled out of a condemned apartment building in the first block of harlem to get sober --- because I nearly drank myself to death to give myself permission to cross dress and get laid.
So you see through your pink mirrors, but i see through another mirror brilliantly, and it lights it all up, the ego, the pride, the self deceptions, the ugly motives, the beautiful motives, the compelling desire to help, the need to be pretty, the joy of trans, the fierce and powerful protector of the woman I love, my wife. The woman I protected from sex predators and viscous racial bigots, fleeing overnight when the cops wouldn't help and burying ourselves in NYC in an attic, a family of 5, later on, where I am now, putting the minds of my children back together, using every resource we have, shattered by the assho-les of this world. She is third world folks, we are from totally different cultures. I wont say which.
I rant. I triggered. My point is that we have differing mirrors of self perception, differing and VALID realities, yours are, mine are. It is against the good of trans to ever ever invalidate our gender perceptions. It can be accidental, it can be deliberate, but bottom line is that it is dangerous. Sadly so.
Genderfluid, which I am socially, is real. The difference between an mtf and a non binary mtf that is socially fluid is this....IMO....the fluidity comes from a place deep within and is not a costume. For an mtf, forcing a male presentation is inauthentic and a costume. Not so for the fluid, for it is real. We can argue that we learned the behavior. OK, but if it is real.... I am a broadway level union actor. Roles are created from deep within. it is amuzing that I play tortured males, those tormented by their past... funny. As well as many other characters, I am a character actor, I can be anything. Why? Because I am nobody and everybody. Because the core knows it is all facets of the diamond. But if you can act, it has to be real and come from a place deep inside you. My point? I drew on myself deep inside and became fluid when I was young.
Satinjoy was chained and flogged for decades, and only now has found out it is safe to come out on the forum. The support I got from the pic was overwhelming. I thought i looked like some kind of joke. Baby apparently I am no joke at all. Thank you my loves for that wonderful validation and support. It completely changed my acceptance of Satinjoy, it stregthened her beyond measure, I am no longer ashamed. You did this. You got me to this place. Kudos my dears, kudos.
Finally, girls, I am DES poisoned. My mother took powerful doses to aviod having her, what, 10th miscarriage? In that womb, I believe and others also, that my central nervous system as in what interprets physical stimulus such as touch, what runs my motor nerves, why everyone who has ever seen me trans says why does it look so natural for you... that was modified by this dyethyl silbestoerol, so were my endocrine receptors, my skeleton, my testicle on the left side, my emotions...I think anyway... it is an involuntary transition to mtf in the womb itself. I have the characteristics of a DES Son. The higher logic functions were not transitioned. That leaves me what.... a freak? Or a weapon formed for trans to reach out and bring us into a place of harmony and understanding and be a bridge between the mtf and nb, and reach out to others.....
In a way I am glad for the blow up here. It has solidified my position, it has polished my diamond, it has reestablished exactly who I am by grounding me in facts and truth.
The wind has had a gale strenth gust across the diamond tightrope. What did that do my dears?
It dried my beautful hair and blew up my skirt, showing the truth to all who dare look.
Love to all here, blessings, joy, and I serious unconditionally love and embrace every single one of you from the passionate fire that burns in my heart for all of those born trans, mtf, ftm, free spirits, I don't care who you are, you have my intense and zealous support.
SJ and Satinjoy, and the Core me......
Nails out, hair on, steady and flying high.
Now my dear watchers... the moderators, Cindy, VM, Jessica, or whoever is watching, please lock my thread.
PM me if you wish to go farther my dears, you will be embraced and loved up. I am not scolding anyone here at all. Its the nature of the deal. We have to heal this rift for the good of trans, and embrace each other unconditionally.
If you are a newbie, I hope you have not been triggered. This stuff has been the real heavy stuff that can happen. Just be you dears, and be free.
Blessings, and passionate love to all here.
Satinjoy
