I guess I'm asking myself a lot of the same questions that courtneylynn is. I have never felt particularly like I am not supposed to be a man. In my normal day-to-day activities I am perfectly content to be a man. I think this part of me would be equally content to be a woman.
Sexually, though, I have always wanted to be a woman. Actually, for most of my life, I wasn't even involved in my own sexual fantasies, which were always about "other people," I guess because I never believed I could be a "real woman."
Recently I was talking through this with a friend, and I told him, "You know, I really only want to be a woman sexually." His response was, "Well maybe it's just a fetish." To be honest, I was sort of mad. I don't this thing that is so close to me, such a part of my identity, to be "just a fetish." I know his comment can't define me - and I think he would say exactly the same thing. He was just trying to give me his perspective to see if that helped me.
Since I've thought about transitioning, the whole idea gets me excited. But I don't want a radical shake-up in my life just because of some fetish. On the other hand, I don't want to blow off my desire to transition either, labeling it "merely a fetish."
I think what I (and I suspect courtneylynn too) am wondering is how similar or different is my experience from other transgender people? I read one person online explaining her feelings to cis people by saying, "Imagine if you were born a female and lived your whole life female, and then one day suddenly woke up in a man's body. You could no longer live the life you used to live... you could no longer wear make-up, no longer be feminine... and every day you had to somehow make it through your day as a man."
I guess my concern is that this has never been my experience. I am really not discontent as a man. But when I think about being a woman, I get really, really happy. And the few experiences that I've had where I got to present as a woman have made me happier than I have ever been in my life.
The reason this is such a pressing question for me is that I do not have the support of my spouse. She does not want me to experiment with this in order to find out. We have children together and we love each other very much. But she feels that this would be "dangerous" for our children, so if I decide that I want to even try cross-dressing, she does not want me in the house anymore. It is a moral issue for her, so if I even begin experimenting, in her mind I am walking away from God and rejecting her.
So I agree with what Tori says, that we must each decide for ourselves what is or is not a fetish. But I would like some help from the community to help me sort through the issue. Does my experience look anything like your experience, or is it a different sort of thing altogether?
