Dealing with losing masculinity

[Christy]

I have begun my transition now. I have not started hormones as I can not afford them at the moment. I do take herbal ones and they help but one day I would like actual hormones. For the most part the feeling is good. I'm glad to give up my masculinity as it was never really there to begin with. It was just something I projected because I was told I was supposed to. That being said I have noticed I am becoming more fearful as I let more and more of my masculinity go in exchange for a lifestyle that reflects the real me.

I am now afraid of being alone outside at night. I never used to fear this but it feels as if some shield has come down and I am vulnerable now. My time in the bathroom taking showers and getting ready for the day continues to increase too even when I'm not dressing as female. I find myself pausing to make sure everything is just so. I used to be in and out of the shower and dressed in fifteen minutes. I've doubled that time while still dressing as a man and when I dress as a woman forget it. I hope you don't have to pee because it's going to be a while. Are these changes normal?

[Illuminess]

I'm kind of like that now and I haven't yet started HRT. I also never projected as tough or alpha male, but I do own a gun that belonged to my grandfather. I've never fired it, though. But yeah, I'm just as cautious. When I go anywhere at night — even to the supermarket — I'm constantly surveying my surroundings. I don't exactly look or walk like someone capable of defending themselves, and I have no muscle. I'm highly considering firearm training and getting a CHL, but before that I'll just carry some seriously debilitating pepper spray. If HRT makes me feel even more vulnerable then either of those things just might be necessary for my peace of mind.

[TheQuestion]

I want my masculinity gone.  I've never had those feelings.  Not saying that I want them, but I have the opposite and it isn't fun.  I know I could beat the trash out of almost anyone based on athleticism and length alone.  I just look like I took karate, and I did...