My sister & my niece… (could be a bit triggery)

[Ms Grace]

Some months ago now I told my sister I was trans and that I was transitioning to Grace. She said that I had already told her I "had been trans" some years ago - something that had totally slipped my mind! But yes, apparently I had told her about my first attempt at transition probably a few years after I had decided to not go through with it. She was fine with it then, she was fine with it when I told her in March. I told her two sons (my nephews) and they took it well too, ages 19 and 16. We decided not to tell her daughter/my niece, she was 9 and the whole family had been through a not too great break up with my sister's douchebag partner, had to sell the family house, find somewhere new to live, etc... that was all in play at the time and understandably tough on them all, especially my niece. To make matters worse she was having girlfriend troubles at school, some A-grade biatch crappola was hitting the fan. So between my sister and I we decided to give it a bit of time and once things had settled down my sister was going to talk to her (my sister's and my niece's) councillor and work out the best way to tell her.

Well that was five months ago and I've been pretty patient and understanding. They've bought a new place and moved and are starting to settle in but I haven't been to visit because my sister still hasn't told my niece. I haven't been nagging, I know she's been under a load of pressure for a while now, but I have dropped hints about wanting to see her and the kids. Except the issue was still to be raised with the councillor so I just had to let it slide.

So yesterday my sister and I spoke on the phone - she told me she has spoken with the councillor who believes my niece shouldn't be told until "she has developed her sexual identity"... so at least not until she reaches age 11 or so. Wow. WTF??!

I'm told my niece looks up to me a lot, apart from her two older brothers she has no other decent "males" in her life and this apparently came through quite strongly during her counselling sessions. It is believed/postulated/theorised that were I to, and I paraphrase here, "bail on her as a male now it could crush crush her". My sister said that if I was prepared to still see my niece as dude-me then that would be OK. I said no. I then pointed out to my sister that I wasn't a male role model, I was simply a role model. If my niece looked up to me how will she react if I wasn't there for her birthday, for Christmas, for other family things? This at least gave my sister some pause for thought.

My sister hasn't had the opportunity to meet me as Grace yet, but hopefully in two weeks that can happen. We'll take it from there I guess. Chances are she has some preconceived notion of me as some terrible trans stereotype cliche - hopefully after we've met that matter at least will be resolved.

I think I'll tell her that, regardless of when she believes it's OK for my niece to know, I want to tell her myself and yes I will tell her in guy-mode but then go change into girl-mode. The one reason why I want to do that is because my niece clearly has a strong perception of her as her "uncle" and I want to clear that as dude-me, tell her that I will still be the same person, just I will look different and be her aunt.

Anyway, I do understand my sister needs to do what she believes is best for my niece, even if I don't believe the "advice" she has received is particularly valid. And yeah, hearing that was really upsetting and hurtful.

Thoughts?

[Jenny07]

I feel for you Grace it must be hard.

Personally after dealing with many therapist good and not so good, most are a waste of time. Waiting until your niece reaches 11 is twaddle from a councillor. You can't really discuss this with your sister as she seems to have made up her mind as it would be talking to a brick wall.

I think the best way is to let your niece decide for herself.
People should give kids more credit as they are far more switched on that parents think.

Have a hug from me anyway Grace.

J

[Ms Grace]

Thanks...hopefully it won't be that long. My sister can be a bit stubborn but she might come around if I don't force the issue...we'll see.

[stephaniec]

good luck

[Rachel]

This is really tough. hugs.

I wonder how your niece will feel when she finds out in 2016 that she is the reason you were not there. She was the reason the holidays and family events you were missing, all for a fantasy role model. So how exactly are you a role model if you are absent? How can a role model be if the basis is a lie. 9 is a much better age to be informed than 11. How are the two nephews going to keep quiet? Is it better for her brother let it slip or for the information to come from her Mom and you? So your nephews do not need a male role model too? So now trans* is about sex? I think the counselor is way out of their league on this one.

The way the information is presented is more important than the information.

Grace, you have been through a lot. Your sister and her children have too. This is a really difficult position for you and your sister. I hope your niece does better with her friends at school and adjusts to all the new changes in her life. Eventually this will resolve itself sooner or later with a plan or not.

[Valleyrie]

Wow... some people. >.> How does this have anything to do with your nieces sexual identity? I highly doubt it'd affect her in that way or in a negative way at all. I'm sorry you have to deal with ignorant people giving your sister uneducated advice that you later have to deal with. You seem to have a good plan already and you know who you are; you're a beautiful person. Gender has nothing to do with being a good role model and I'm sure your niece would appreciate knowing the real you; her auntie. I'm too guessing she may have some misconceptions but good luck, I hope all goes well. Children are much more smarter than a lot of people seem to think, I have many younger sisters and they are all completely accepting.

[Ms Grace]

I wonder how your niece will feel when she finds out in 2016 that she is the reason you were not there. She was the reason the holidays and family events you were missing, all for a fantasy role model. So how exactly are you a role model if you are absent? How can a role model be if the basis is a lie. 9 is a much better age to be informed than 11. How are the two nephews going to keep quiet? Is it better for her brother let it slip or for the information to come from her Mom and you? So your nephews do not need a male role model too? So now trans* is about sex? I think the counselor is way out of their league on this one.

The way the information is presented is more important than the information.

Thank you. These are my thoughts and concerns also. The part about not being able to be a role model if I am absent was something I mentioned to my sister. The longer it is left the longer the damage I fear.

Wow... some people. >.> How does this have anything to do with your nieces sexual identity? ... Gender has nothing to do with being a good role model and I'm sure your niece would appreciate knowing the real you; her auntie.

Yes, I was wondering the exact same thing!

[suzifrommd]

Thoughts?

Oh, hugs Grace. This is a really hard situation.

Two possibilities:
1. Your niece's counselor is transphobic.
2. Your sister's using this as a smokescreen because she's afraid to let you see her kid(s) as Grace.

Either way, it's on your sister. If you're looking for advice (I always find it hard to give people advice on family stuff, especially if I've never met either them or the family in person), here are my suggestions:

* First, make it clear that you do not believe the therapist, and that seeing you as a female won't "crush" her. Children are resilient, and you're still you. Children survive traffic accidents, moves across country (or abroad), even the loss of family members without being "crushed" (not even sure what that really means). Surely she can see you the way you will be for the rest of your life without being "crushed".
* Second, make it clear that you are you, and that if she wants you around, it will be as yourself, not pretending to be a male. This may mean that she has to put some distance between you, but it's unfair to ask you (or anyone) to put up a pretense.

If your sister thinks it would work, the idea of explaining it to her in guy mode is a good solution, but make it clear you're not going to pretend anymore.

Please let us know what happens. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[rosinstraya]

I think for your niece to have a long gap between seeing you in guy-mode and then seeing you as Grace is odd. What purpose can that serve? The whole thing has a sense of delay and putting-off that just doesn't add up.

I hope you can sort this with your sister, and you get to see your niece as you soonest.

Hugs,


Ros

[Shantel]

I feel for you Grace it must be hard.

Personally after dealing with many therapist good and not so good, most are a waste of time. Waiting until your niece reaches 11 is twaddle from a councillor. You can't really discuss this with your sister as she seems to have made up her mind as it would be talking to a brick wall.

I think the best way is to let your niece decide for herself.
People should give kids more credit as they are far more switched on that parents think.

Have a hug from me anyway Grace.

J

I couldn't agree with Jenny more on this Grace, young children are much more resilient and receptive to this sort of thing than a child who has entered into puberty would be. Your sister's councilor needs to have his/her head examined because that's a load of BS if ever I heard it.

[mrs izzy]

Dealing with family matters is hard.

I would respect your sister but tell her she hast to deal with the fall out if and when it happens.

Sometimes i do date how family can be such .....

[Foxglove]

Suppose your niece were 6.  Would you then have to wait 5 years before letting her see you?

Either a child is cis or they're not.  If they are, seeing a transperson isn't going to make them trans.  There's nothing magic about the age 11.  A child's gender identity is confirmed by the age of 6.  And it's got nothing to do with any contact with a transperson.  When I was little I was surrounded by cispeople.  It didn't make me cis.

The ignorance surrounding ->-bleeped-<- is often astonishing.

[RosieD]

Sorry to hear about that Grace, missing out on kids growing up is really unpleasant.

Whilst it's only anecdotal I thought I would share what happened when I came out as I have kids of my own (19 and 11 at the time) and a whole rumpus of nieces and nephews going all the way down to 1.  I agreed with my sisters that it would be best if all the kids were told as I didn't want to stop going to family events and not telling them would have made that a bit awkward.  None of the kids have batted an eyelid.  The last time I saw them all I was (literally) buried under a pile of kiddies when I asked if anyone was going to give me a good-bye hug - which shows they aren't scared of me if nothing else.  There have been a couple of questions.  One of my nieces wanted to know if she would turn into a boy and a nephew who was the same age as your niece at the time caused his Mum to be called into school when he asked if HRT caused transsexuals to get acne.  The school were only checking how my sister wanted it dealt with rather than engaging on any kind of moral crusade.

So, in my experience, the advice given by the counsellor doesn't really ring true.  Certainly the nephew who asked about the acne had adopted me as favourite Uncle and he has no issues around talking to his favourite Aunt instead.

Rosie

[Athena]

Your niece is probably already discovering her sexual identity. Children are reaching puberty at an earlier age then even in the 60's and 70's. If you are a part of her life and open with her then should she have an alternate sexuality then she will not feel ashamed. If she is in the "norm" then seeing you as her aunt will possibly allow her to accept classmates with an alternative identity with more ease.
I know if I had an uncle that turned into my aunt when I was young, I might not have waited until my 40's before exploring my true gender and spent less time hating myself and thinking I was a disgusting freak.

[Jaime R D]

That's bs. Chances are that she could deal with it better now than later. She would be more apt to just take it at face value and not apply any other crap to it in her mind.

My niece found out when she was 7 and it wasn't an issue. She did better with pronouns than her dad. Now until her dad dealt with it, she was skittish, but once he got ok, then so did she, she was picking up on his discomfort too much.  And my brother's girlfriends daughter also did well, although I wasn't really around that one before I transitioned, but she is aware of what I used to be.

[Just Shelly]

Dang! I guess you won't be able to teach her how to fart and burp loudly LOL

You know.....I here this often and I feel my sister has the same feelings of me, thought she hasn't said it directly. It seems all children need some male figure in there life, otherwise they will not turn out right...ya whatever. To a point I can understand it, there are definitely differences in how the sexes raise children....but in your case and mine....what ever male role model we would of provided before our transition isn't going to be any different. We are the same as we were before, inside at least

What's also very interesting and confusing, is that my sisters ex...and it sounds as if your sisters as well.....were real pieces of crap....real good role models!! NOT! yet yours and my sister still think our children need male role models??  Thank God my sister boys turned out to be good boys and now husbands....especially after witnessing their father beat my sister!!

For example, I was talking to a man at the pool today and he mentioned what he allows his 8 year old daughter and six year old son to do at the pool....some of it is stuff I don't allow my 13 year old to do alone! I have always been very protective...maybe too much. In my case yes his style of parenting may provide my children to learn more independence and be less fearful of anything new....but I will take my chance and raise them my way! 

[Shantel]

Then again this might just be a lot of smoke and mirrors on your sister's part, she may be having those objections on her own and is just saying that the councilor had said that to deflect you from having any contact with your niece.

[Megumi]

My sister said that if I was prepared to still see my niece as dude-me then that would be OK. I said no. I then pointed out to my sister that I wasn't a male role model, I was simply a role model. If my niece looked up to me how will she react if I wasn't there for her birthday, for Christmas, for other family things? This at least gave my sister some pause for thought.

First that sucks sooooo much and my heart goes out to you.

I'm in same boat right now with my own sister, niece & nephew other than I have already been told by my sister that I will never ever get to see my niece and nephew until they turn 18 which is 7 to 12 years away. She's afraid I'll turn the kids transgender somehow and her along with my mother constantly give me crap for deciding to NOT transition for the kids that I barely ever get to see as is before I came out as transgender. They have basically used the kids as a means to try to stop me from being myself. 

What kills me so much is that they say the same thing, you can see them as "him" and that's perfectly wonderful. It hurts so much to be told that and then to be vilified when you put your foot down and say that you will not dress down and be the person that you are not. Even for your niece & nephew that you love dearly. The sad thing is they would love me as I'm so much better mentally now. It's the parents fault and not the kids but I can't but help punishing them too by not being a false person anymore. I'm sure my family will give up the "big lie" within a year as it will be a big PITA to keep explaining to the kids why I suddenly vanished.

Basically you have to put your foot down and refuse to be a "guy" because every time you do give in and do it even for the kids sake it only gives the parents/people forcing that option on you the go ahead to do it again and again.

[Urban Christina]

I still haven't met my niece because of the a**hole brother-in-law. I feel for you.

[Juliett]

My brother is the only family who is actually cool with me. I didn't get to spend much time with my niece and nephew when they were younger, so it's easier for me. Aunt Julie gives them cake and plays games with them and they love her, simple as that.