Hey. I'm (very) new on this site, only just registering moments ago. So I apologize if I break any 'norms' of not posting before replying, or if I'm posting this in the wrong forum. Nonetheless, here I am, because I have a 'problem' (it doesn't feel like the right word, but it's the only one I can come up with that descripes the situation as close as possible) that I am not able to resolve by myself. I need help from someone who already have, or are, going through the same thing.
I am eighteen, soon nineteen, years old male possibly identying myself as female, and thoroughly confused if I truly am transsexual. It's not any new thoughts that has suddenly appeared in my mind in the last weeks or months, but something that now has been more or less present since I was about fifteen. I will admit, that it is only after I turned seventeen, and more and more strongly in the last year, that these thoughts have been on my mind. I have tried researching, but that only goes so far, and if anything, it has made me more confused.
My 'research', which I don't think I can truly call it now, talks about transsexual who goes into depression, who hates their body as it doesn't display the gender they identify themselves as, who cut in their genetalia to somehow feel better. The thing is, I haven't had any of those things happen to me (and I don't wish to, let's make that clear right now). But while I don't feel 'wrong' in my body, neither do I feel completely 'right'.
I have always been rather feminine, I guess you could call it. When I was small, my best friends were two girls, I played with dolls, I dressed up as Pippi Longstockings (a figure from a fairy tale writting by Astrid Lindgren, a swedish author), and when given the choice to sleep in night clothes or night gown, I chose the gown. After those girls weren't my friend anymore, I tried befriending boys as I didn't want to be alone, but I never really were into the boyish stuff (and I was in a year with sixteen boys, none of whom I related to). As I tried befriending boys, I, of course, tried to put away the habits that made me 'girlish'. They were effectively put away, and I haven't played with 'girl stuff' or dressed up as a girl in a very very long time. That said, I didn't embrace what 'a boy should' according to society.
I tell myself that the first time after that, that I begin to wonder about who I am, is when I'm about fifteen. But I am told by my mother, that I apparently once around the age of ten, told my boy friend (a friend who is boy, and turned out to not really be my friend) that I wished that I was a girl.
At fifteen it was discovered that I was chronically ill (I will not go into it here, as it truly isn't important for what I have to say). After many treatments that didn't lessen the effects of the illness, I went into a depression because of it. I was in a very dark place, angry at everyone, especially because I didn't have any friends. I came to a turning point, where I decided that I had enough to try and change myself to befriend others, and instead just try to be happy with myself. That is the best decision I have ever made, that, in some ways, makes it so I have peace within myself.
I know who 'I' am, what I like, what I dislike, and so forth. But I do still not know if I am a he or a she. I know I like boys more than I like girls - but if anything, that only adds to my confusion, because is this 'transsexual thing' just something I try to tell myself I am, so it will be 'easier' (which I truly know it isn't).
Something that I also noticed is this: I am an author on a fiction website, and all the stories that I've written, is all from a female main characters point of view. All of them. I have an easier time living myself into their head, and I imagine myself to be them when I write.
And in the last year, I have begun imagineing what my life would be like if I was born a girl, or if I became one in that very moment. Things like that.
I don't expect you to have all the answers, but any help would be accepted with open arms.
