I wish I had long hair. its been my dream to grow out my hair like all the other girls, but my parents own me like a dog. I have absolutely no hair at all. every two weeks I shave my entire head with a razor to satisfy my parents and random strangers in society. its normal for boys of my ethnicity to shave everything, but not grow out their hair. am even jealous of white boys too. at least their hair is longer then my. I have absolutely nothing and it stings my heart everyday when I look in the mirror. How are you suppose to style a shaved head, oh I forgot you can't.
I grew out my hair many times and people give me the stare. a lot of people have nasty assumptions against people of my kind with hair like mines. I have never style hair before and failed many times. am still trying to learn how to. I promise myself that to learn how to style hair before I grow my hair out so people can stop staring at me. isn't it enough that am a transsexual. why do I have to keep on suffering more and more.
to be honest with you, I feel suicidal and depress and felt this way for years. can never make friends because I don't want people to treat me like a boy. If this keeps on going on am certain that I will kill myself somewhere between the ages of 30 to 40 at most. The only reason why am alive is because I know I have not tried every solution possible However when I try every last solution, I will not hesitate to get a gun and blow my skull out. am pretty sure society will not care about a man who calls himself a mtf transsexual.
heres a list of things that has been bothering me:
1. lonely since birth up till now, no friends
2. long list of people that I hate
3. lost my job, people there treated me like nothing. they use racist slur, supervisor witness and does nothing, and for ten months I pick up everyone slack or mistakes. I quit after I could not handle the taunting and insults.
4. college - teacher thought I was cheating and I did not cheat, but two other girls did
5. lost loan money from financial aid because lady told me wrong location where I can pay off my loan. I argue with them for three months and now they give me a disgusting look whenever I enter the office
6. neighbor call me racist slur name and call housing lord to say I was causing trouble. She lied and said I smoke drugs and tried stealing from cars in parking lot. give me a the best drug test that date back 100 hundred years and your'll see that I have never in my life done drugs, alcohol or cigerettes
7.cut my hair to make random strangers happy in the streets and my parents.
8. am been robbed in bright daylight while a lot of people just stare. traumatic past as a boy which I still remember. everyone just stared and shaked their head when I was on the floor crying in the dirt.
9. been bullied in school many times and isolated.
10. One time my brother told me he hate me and told me to go kill myself. this was from a situation that made him mad at me which is pretty stupid. at the middle of the night he told me this after I done crying. Even though that was a long time ago and everything is okay now, those words never leave my head. its been several years and I still think about it. I hate my family.
11. cannot crossdress. hate the clothing I have now. One time I crossdress and a police in a crusier follow block to block staring at me.
12. the last time I saw my dad was after he hit me with a belt when he was intoxicated and left when he had an argument with my mom. Each and everytime he visits me and my brother and sister I hate him. he is dirt. No one knows how I feel about him.
13. every time I try to make friends with girls. A guy comes over and tells me to stop responding to her or talking to her or looking at her.
14. make friends with girls part 2. girls says I already have a boyfriend get away from me.
15. I have other bad experiences as well and 90% of me gave up a long, long, long time ago.
16. I hate my name,hairy body, assumptions from others that am masculine, facial hair, private parts
17. my first gender therapist wasted my money and is inexperience. He did nothing to help me improve. All the improvement on myself was done by me and only me with thorough research on my laptop about transsexuals and introspection of me. He was useless and made my situation worse. why did I go to a therapist in the first place if they are suppose to make things better
18. came out to some people as transsexual one or three years ago and reactions were negative to natural at best. therapist ideal. I stop seeing him after several months of going no where and money wasted. no job, no nothing. discrimination at work. am really thinking of killing myself around ages of 30 to
40.my limit.
19. Never had a romantic relationship.
20. came out to nurse as transsexual and life in my face. I guess men who declare themselves as transsexual are funny. am going to kill myself if the pain don't stop.
21. normal everyday routine sickens me. on my laptop everyday, lonely, no friends. am going to kill myself.
22. Been searching for a job for over four years and still nothing.
23. I paid for my phone for years, my parents told me to get one because I might need it someday. wasted a lot of money. I don't have friends, work, and no emergencies. wasted hundreds of dollar before I got my free Obama phone. am going to kill myself.
24. I walk around the house talking to myself out loud because am the only person I can talk to. Often my mom tells me to shut up and find a girlfriend to have kids or friends. she says the same thing despite me telling her that am a transsexual. my life is pathetic and am going to gun myself down.
25. doctor refer me to general therapist after I told her that I was depress and suicidal. he specializes in cognitive thinking therapy. I absolutely hate that type of therapy. He is the second therapist who was useless and made me want to kill myself even more. aren't therapist suppose to help you improve. what is going on here. am going to kill myself.
26. someone stole my book for one of my college classes in the summer, but somehow I pass the class. no thanks to that thief.
27. I can keep on going but am going to stop here because am tire. am pretty sure new things will pop up in the future that I don't know about.
If my life does not improve between the ages of 30 to 40 (and that's pretty generous for me to wait that long if you ask me) am going take a gun and blast my head off. this might happen randomly one day. That day am going to smile and act overly happy and joyful towards everyone and blasted my head off to smithereens. I really hope it does not come down to that, but if I have to I will.
my second therapist told me where am going to get the gun, (what an idiot), he even joke around and told me go ahead and kill myself. am done going to therapy in the future am might give it one more try, but after that am done. its easy to get a gun. just go through the law regulation to pass tests. I pretend that am healthy pass a couple of test about gun control, mental health test, written exams and so on. If am smart enough to get an associate degree in college then am smart enough to pass a test to get a gun and kill myself. I don't have any criminal record (stupid people always think that I do have one) (racist). how hard is it to get a gun. what a complete idiot. then after dealing with more discrimination in my next job ( I just know its going to happen) am going to purchase the gun and kill myself. If for some odd reason I cannot get a gun legally there are other ways.
One other way is to find an illegal gun dealer in the streets who belong to a gang and purchase ammo and gun from him. if he ask why I need one, then I tell him its for protection or something.
