Extremely Confused FTM. Hi.

[I2Hope]

Hi, guys... I'm scared writing this. But I'm more scared of myself. I was born a girl. I never cared, since everyone treated me like a guy. I played with the guys in school, wore guyish clothing, played with guy toys, and my best friend was a guy from toddler years up to middle school. I was your typical "tom boy" I guess.

However, we moved and I became girly to try to fit in with the neighborhood kids. But again, I didn't care since I never noticed that I didn't have the same opportunities and the same treatment as a guy. Overall, I still was boyish (I just looked girly doing it). I played basketball during P.E (the only girl out of the 100 in the class) while most of the girls sat on the bleachers. I was constantly wrestling with my cousins and doing completely guyish activities when not trying to fit in. But I still felt attracted to guys, so I didn't worry.

On the other hand, my mom is phobic of every spectrum of the LGBTQ, soI grew up with an intense fear of being anything near there. Her family is even worse.

The first time I looked at a girl and realized I didn't think, "Eew." was in middle school. I ran into the bathroom and felt like dying, but then I went back to being normal and not looking at girls. Because I really didn't care.

But then in high school, I hit a brick wall as the puberty difference made its mark on my life. I was being treated differently. I no longer got away with being the girl who had cool guyish interest. I was being pushed away because I had tits. And suddenly my world got turned upside down. I remember the week I realized I wasn't actually going to be treated like a guy how scared I was.

And I kind of developed an attraction towards girls, but not really. But then again, I wasn't really attracted to anyone. And I've always hated my body. As in, I can't even look at myself in a picture without freaking the hell out (seriously freaking out). But I think that is just because I think I'm ugly.

Transitioning would be hard for me, since I'm 5'2 and extremely feminine. My boobs are ginormous and I have the perfect figure for a girl. It's like god decided to punish me.

(Part 1)

[I2Hope]

____ Why I Am Unsure of Becoming FTM_____

I'm thinking of becoming FTM. I'm so scared though. My mom won't get rid of me, but she is homophobic. My dad has said countless times to me while growing up that he will never care, but I'm still soooo afraid. And my extended family, friends? What of them?

Cons:
I'll never get to run for office if I'm a transgender. Everyone I know will never again have the same relationship with me. I'm not really that into girls. I'm also scared that I might take away something that makes me different. Being a girl with guy's interest, like programming and stuff, is something that gets me noticed. When I'm the only girl in the room, everyone knows who I am. But I feel like it is only sexualized and when it comes to actually getting far in what I want to do, being a girl does nothing but gives me a slight disadvantage.

The biggest con though is that I am more attracted to guys than girls. I like guyish girls and feel attracted, but... I'm so unsure.

Pros:
I want so badly to be a guy. It would be so nice to be treated for me instead of my tits. I would be allowed to do all the things a guy can do without any resentment. I would be free. I would be me. And normal. And I wouldn't ever have to deal with sexism again.

_______________________


Sorry for this long and probably badly written post. I just want so badly someone I can talk to that understands and can maybe help me.

Should I just stay a girl? 

[Ms Grace]

Hey I2hope

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

No need to be afraid posting here - the site will allow you to get a sense of what other people who are F2M are going through and what that has meant for them and their relationship, over time, with family, friends and others. You might find some of your fears are unfounded but that, unfortunately, there are other realities you haven't even considered yet. I hope the forum can help resolve some of that for you.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[Jera]

Welcome.

No sage advice here, it's just good to see you take the first step and ask yourself some of the tough questions. That's important.

I hope you find your path, and some happiness with who you are, however it may come.

[LordKAT]

____ Why I Am Unsure of Becoming FTM_____

I'm thinking of becoming FTM.

Cons:
I'll never get to run for office if I'm a transgender.



Should I just stay a girl?

I wish to address these 3 points.

The first is just a matter of wording. If you think about it, you don't 'become' FTM. You are or you are not. What you choose is what to do about it.

As to running for office. There are a number of transgender people who have and are running for (and winning) elections to political offices. There is absolutely no reason you can't do the same just because of your being yourself. It may be something you have to deal with but it is only a bump in the road, not an immoveable obstacle.


You should stay who you are, whether that is a girl or not is something you have to look inside yourself to know.

[mrs izzy]

Welcome I2hope to the Susan's family,

Wow cons and pros. Nice to see anyone wanting to walk this path look at what life will or could be.

I personally know many of them pros and cons myself. My husband had them to deal with in his pre transition.

For him the pros won. He has been living as a man since he went full time and never looked back.

You know inside you heart what the answer is. You make out of life only what you add to it. So can you add to your life as a male more then a ??

Hugs

[Blue Senpai]

Welcome! That question only you can answer but I can tell you this: trying to stay and present as your birth gender while feeling you are another almost never works. Trust us, me and various other people have tried many ways to hide who we are and what we feel but ultimately those feelings win and we start to take steps to align our body to match our brain. You're still in the questioning stage so I recommend getting a gender therapist to help sort out your feelings.

[HellsbellsMio]

Hi!

I'm still a bit questioning myself, and I think it's probably good to continue questioning what one could do to make life feel better. If you don't feel right about the gender you're born as, it's a first big step to at all acknowledge that and let it sink in.

Whatever you end up feeling is you, you'll be able to do something about it, if thats what you want. You mentioned your hight, feminine features and chest. Well, I'm 5'4, also very feminine and a 32G. I identify as not female, so my apperance is something I've stared to do something about. Sure it's maybe not as easy if one are very feminie and identify as something else then female, but it's not in any way impossible!

Also, I just wanted to say that ones sexuality doesn't have anything to do with what gender one identify as. One can be a born female who identify as male and are attracted to males, or a born male identifying as androdynus and attrackted to females or what ever else.

Good luck on your travels, it'll all be well, only sometimes it takes a little while to get there

[Bombadil]

Hi and welcome. you will find a lot of support here. I'm running out of steam so my reply is not going to be as complete as I would like it to be.

sexuality and gender are two different things. you can be a ftm that is straight and likes women or a ftm that likes men. Given your background it may be really scary to think that you could be a homosexual ftm but it's possible

very few things in life, including gender and sexuality, are all one thing or another. as a society we seem to thing that there are only two choices but that's not the reality how humans or other animals work. if you get caught up in the idea of what you think a ftm should be like, you may be so distracted you don't get to see who you are

there are plenty of ftms who have feminine figures, large breasts and/or short stature. I'm 5"2'. My chest isn't big but I've definitely got hips. Testosterone is really starting to work for me and I'm passing more and more

last thing, what about your friends and extended family? what if your transition brings you closer to some of them? what if the reaction isn't as bad as you fear?

I hope to see you around the boards.

[Felix]

I had kind of a similar upbringing as you, and I also hesitated because I wanted to be a public figure, but transition eventually became inevitable for me.

I want to echo that nobody "becomes" ftm, but that's already been said, and your language around this is still better than mine was when I first started asking questions and investigating my options.

Whether you come out, transition, change your presentation, whatever, is totally up to you. We can't answer that for you. It is a big deal, though, and it's hard to proceed even after you decide what you want. I feel like you should be able to run for office, though. You might could even spin your gender identity into a positive asset. It takes so much willpower and confidence to run for office in any case that you might be able to go toe-to-toe with anyone's opinions once you are sure of your path.

Anyway, welcome. However you proceed, this is a great site for getting a handle on things and finding information, and we're happy to have you.