How did I remain in denial for so many years?

[Christy]

I was in denial about being trans from 1976 until 2003 and then fought with who I was for years after that. Here is a list of the reasons I should have known.

1. I told my mother I would magically turn into a girl one day. I think I was three at the time. Mom was not amused.

2. I made fun of my sisters cartoons but secretly enjoyed them with the excuse that there was only one T.V. in the house at the time.

3. I tried on my sisters clothes.

4. In Catholic school I told the girls that their uniforms were better than mine. This earned me a phone call home from the teacher and two angry parents waiting on me. The teacher didn't even warn me.

5. Played with the girls at recess which lead to the boys and girls being separated at recess. I love the 80's! Wait, no I don't.

6. In early adulthood I got drunk, lost control of my female side and ended up watching chick flicks. 

7. Didn't find out what the Final Four was until I was in my 20's.

8. Went to Halloween party as a woman. No one told me the makeup was waterproof. Became paranoid when it wouldn't wash off. "Oh God! I can't go home like this!!!"

9. Ended up in therapy for depression. Realized my therapist and I had the same taste in sugary coffee drinks and hand soap. My therapist was female.

I was in such denial. lol

[Jessica Merriman]

I met all 1-9 of your list as well. The only difference is I was in denial due to "Reparative Therapy". I knew in 1972 and finally accepted myself in 2013. Small world isn't it? 

[Edge]

It's funny isn't it. I thought I'd somehow end up being at least part boy, frequently told people I wanted to look like guys, wanted a penis, wanted a flat chest, consistently felt like I was acting a certain way to convince people I was a normal girl, and was frequently mistaken for a lesbian despite dating guys. I still somehow managed to be so far in the closet, I was practically in Narnia.

[Christy]

Jessica: Repairative Therapy... I'm so sorry. They should call it "Extremely Damaging Therapy." There's nothing like thinking you are a horrible person only to have a therapist confirm you are. A therapist most likely hired by your parents... Again I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say.

Edge: I'm glad you got back from Narnia. The closet isn't a fun place to be.

[Felix]

I was in denial off and on most of my life. Even times I was totally sure I was a man, I didn't know that there were other transgender people and I didn't know I could transition. When I was a kid, I thought I would grow a penis when I got old enough. When I had a baby, I became convinced that I had to become a woman, and that motherhood would make me a woman. I tried really hard to be a woman and I thought maybe all women felt like men and that they just were better than I was at being human. I thought I was just too clumsy to do it right, and that if I practiced enough it would come to me. I made denial into a way of life.

People used to try to talk me into coming out as lesbian, even socially conservative or evangelical christian people, because they saw something wrong with how I was presenting. I even tried really hard to be primarily attracted to women, so that I could be the "right" kind of human and make others happy. I look forward to continuing public awareness of transgender identities, so hopefully fewer people in the future have to go through that.

I think most of us who put off coming out can look back and see glaring signs that should have pushed us to get out of the closet sooner.

[Elis]

Same here, I've always hated my chest and being female, but somehow never saw it until I was 19. I guess bcos of outside pressure and bcos Lgbt stuff wasn't taught in my school which I'm still angry about. I tried genderqueer now I'm trans, just feels more like me.

[Amy The Bookworm]

That's a pretty good list.

For me what caused me to not deal with being transgender for so long was that for the longest time I simply didn't know what it was I was dealing with or even that there was a word for it.

As for your list I have one comment! Well, really more of a question.

What is this Final Four you speak of? I know I can use google ... but it's too good of an opportunity for discussion to pass up!

[ImagineKate]

My favorite cartoon as a kid was Gigi (Magical Princess Minky Momo) which is an anime where she would turn herself into an adult in various professions. I wish that I was her so I could turn myself into a girl.

School uniforms, totally hear you. Even borrowed my cousin's to dress up in. (She never found out)

Chick flicks? I always liked them, still do! My favorites were fools rush in and sleepless in Seattle.

[JoanneB]

I got one less then Jessica. In the 1960's the boys and girls were separated to start with. Otherwise I spent some 30-40 years in denial to various degrees. Mostly over being a CD vs a TS.

Avoiding a problem is usually the easy way out. Like if your car is making a funny noise, you simply turn the radio up louder. Problem solved. We do much the same with emotional weird noises.

[warlockmaker]

That's a pretty good list.

For me what caused me to not deal with being transgender for so long was that for the longest time I simply didn't know what it was I was dealing with or even that there was a word for it.

I knew I was not gay but didn't know there were TG and that I could do something about it. When I found out it all came together and here I am on my wonderful journey.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Yes, most of that list, but I have no idea what the final four is. Is it some kind of man secret thing? I am confused.

[Brenda E]

Yes, most of that list, but I have no idea what the final four is. Is it some kind of man secret thing? I am confused.

Sounds like some kind of super hero movie

(NCAA men's basketball tournament.  The finest few weeks of sport known to humankind - yes, surpasses even the Ashes.  Cool girls like it too.  Should be compulsory viewing in the UK.)

[Blue Senpai]

You're not alone and I give you props for holding out so long. I'm pretty sure if I waited any longer than I should have, I would've attempted suicide by now. I've thought about it often but I never did it and I'm addressing my physical transition as soon as possible before suicide starts taking over my thoughts. It's been 22 years of assuming I was lesbian, of being an awkward quiet kid and being secluded from other kids to figure this out. I probably would've transitioned sooner if I knew changing from female to male was possible. I didn't think you could back then and transgender isn't a word known in my house.

[ssneha23]

Yes. I can relate to almost all the points on your list. I have a few of my own:

1) I tried really hard at trying to get chosen for all the female characters in school plays (i was in a all boys boarding)
2) Was told by all my friends and cousins (including my sisters) that I was too "girly"
3) My fantasy as a child was "when I go to heaven, I would beg God to make me a girl in my next life"

.. Life would have been so much better if I had known before

[ImagineKate]

3) My fantasy as a child was "when I go to heaven, I would beg God to make me a girl in my next life"

Yeah, me too.

Actually when I learned about reincarnation I tried to ask the guru if when people die and they have to reincarnate if they'd come back as a different gender. He didn't answer me.