I hace serious question about SO's and their devotion to your transitioning

[Evelyn K]

Evelyn : Fine, if and when you find yourself in this position, I will be as ardent a defender of your right to make the decision for yourself as I am for anyone else. But please stop telling those of us who do live in the situation that you know better than we do. (I did NOT settle. I'm still in love and happier now than before.) Not every relationship that stayed together did it out of pragmatism, and not every SO who left did so because of transition. As I said to Aurora, if you limit yourself to discussing actual people who had the experiences and made the choices you describe, I have no qualms agreeing; it's that you keep insisting that you know what's true for all of us and that there's never any shades of gray.

I'm actually serious that you should read through the SO's section; there is a breathtaking variety both in the stories and the reactions, and even some (like Helen Boyd herself) who say "no way in hell will I stick it out if you pursue full transition" and then... life changes, people change, and here they still are.

Heck, compromise is the backbone of success in many long-term relationships. Trans*-related or otherwise. Sometimes you love someone enough that you forgive them for not being perfect (and they do you), even when the flaws are pretty major. My wife's been there for me over the years even when I changed the terms of our marriage too; I robbed her of her dream of having kids, for example. I am not being snarky when I say that if you hold out for a relationship that exists only in black and white, you are severely limiting your own chances of success.

For me this is not good enough. (In the CIS sense) I am heterosexual - I cannot love a transman.

But as for the rest, I'm not pointing a finger at you in particular as having "settled", I should have made that clear. But I'm willing to bet for a majority of couples who do stay together, the SO's would secretly admit they have settled. And the resentment grows.

I'll let ya's have the thread. Those are my cards.

[blueconstancy]

Evelyn : Absolutely. You get to decide for yourself, same as everyone else. In fact, that's precisely what I'm saying here - we won't define your experience for you if you don't issue blanket rules defining ours for us.

Actually, in my observations, the ones who stay are *wholly* committed, no settling. With all the outside pressures from friends/family/society, most of the potential "settlers" are pushed over the line into leaving... And I'm talking in contexts where it was SO's only, and these same people had no qualms whatsoever about airing some pretty ugly things they had felt early on, so I'm reasonably confident that they were sharing what they "secretly" felt now too.

I don't mean to drive you away, mind you; this is in the section for trans people, so if anything you could probably report me for hijacking the thread if you wanted to. I thought it'd be good to have an SO's perspective, but this is your sandbox.

[JulieBlair]

Welcome to the sandbox.  Watch out for the clumps, you never know what has been left here. 
j

[Evelyn K]

Evelyn : Absolutely. You get to decide for yourself, same as everyone else. In fact, that's precisely what I'm saying here - we won't define your experience for you if you don't issue blanket rules defining ours for us.

Actually, in my observations, the ones who stay are *wholly* committed, no settling. With all the outside pressures from friends/family/society, most of the potential "settlers" are pushed over the line into leaving... And I'm talking in contexts where it was SO's only, and these same people had no qualms whatsoever about airing some pretty ugly things they had felt early on, so I'm reasonably confident that they were sharing what they "secretly" felt now too.

I don't mean to drive you away, mind you; this is in the section for trans people, so if anything you could probably report me for hijacking the thread if you wanted to. I thought it'd be good to have an SO's perspective, but this is your sandbox.

No worries. It's all on topic.

[Cin]

I'm not in a relationship, and won't be in one any time soon.

But if I fell in love with a woman, and five years later she wanted to be a man, I don't know how I'd feel about that. If I can accept it, fine, but If I can't, I don't know.... the same goes if it was the other way around and I wanted to transition after many years together. I don't think I can blame my better half (or worse half) for wanting out.

This is a hard question, but I think it's one that was needed to be asked. In a marriage, I think both should be happy, if one can't, then, it's not going to workout anyway.

[blueconstancy]

Julie : *giggle* I have four cats - there's always a scooper to hand.

[muffinpants]

Personally as an SO - I shouldn't have to be put into a position where I have to settle or compromise.

I'm with blueconstancy here. This is what relationships are all about. Perhaps views like yours are why so few last...?

[suzifrommd]

Personally as an SO - I shouldn't have to be put into a position where I have to settle or compromise.

No. You shouldn't. No one should.

No SO should also have to deal with her SO losing a job, getting cancer, getting injured seriously, having bouts of mental illness, or many other serious or tragic crises.

But these things happen to people just like people discover they can no longer pretend to be a member of their birth sex.

Isn't part of committing to someone knowing that someday, something very unpleasant will happen with them and you'll have to deal with it?

Yes, SO's shouldn't have to deal with bad stuff, but does life really work that way?

[Rainbow Brite]

I dont see my spoise as a villain. I do think that she loves me. Well, maybe old me. She wants me to not have srs, gets pretty pissed at being seen as a lesbian for it. To be honest though, I am getting ready to leave the relationship. No one else has the right to tell me what to do with my body, I dont see how she can be happy in a lesbian relationship. We have faught about my transition for so many years, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of her family calling me by my old name and pronouns. Ive found someone that is in many ways, the opposite of her. He makes me feel like I am more than just a paycheck and he works hard and is working on getting his Masters degree. He doesnt dismiss how I feel as being silly.i wish I had met him a long time ago and I want to snuggle with him every night. My wife and I are no more than room mates these days.
so, I guess in this story, I am the villain.

[stephaniec]

['m not married and never have been.to me this argument is simple. if the SO excepts there is no fault if the SO rejects no fault

[LordKAT]

For me this is not good enough. (In the CIS sense) I am heterosexual - I cannot love a transman.

I find this insulting. The statement reads that transmen are not men. Please think before you post as that statement could easily be turned against you.

[Joanna Dark]

I find this insulting. The statement reads that transmen are not men. Please think before you post as that statement could easily be turned against you.

Ditto. I'm not a mod nor will I ever be, but it does read a bit like transmen aren't men. Trans is the adjective. Man is the noun. I'm almost (almost, but not quite) exclusively attracted to men and would date a trans man without a second thought.

But hopefully that's not what you meant :-) There's a lot of erasure of FTM identity in general, and I would hate to see it here. I saw it the other day and said nothing, and that was obvious bigotry against FTMs by someone.

[Shantel]

For me this is not good enough. (In the CIS sense) I am heterosexual - I cannot love a transman.

But as for the rest, I'm not pointing a finger at you in particular as having "settled", I should have made that clear. But I'm willing to bet for a majority of couples who do stay together, the SO's would secretly admit they have settled. And the resentment grows.

I'll let ya's have the thread. Those are my cards.

Uh-huh just another Evelynesque thread ever tightening down the emotional screws on people who already suffer untold guilt and inner pain caused by their own dysphoria. Some don't get the subtle bullying but I'm on to you Evelyn, it isn't pretty! 

[LordKAT]

I think this is gone on far enough.