How did you or are you handling nonbinary dysphoria? What works for you?

[Satinjoy]

I didn't want to post because the forum is buzzing now and that's terrific, a dream.

But we have some people in distress here in our non binary forest, they know who they may be, and I need to ask this for the sake of our trans souls here.

What works for you in handling your dysphoria, as defined as discomfort with your gender and your gender visuals?

For me:

One heck of a shrink.  You people here on the forum.  Lots of estrogen.  Validation.  Looking into my eyes and my soul and saying I love you, even when I hated me.  Not hating one component or the other, seeing the beauty in both.  Not fighting the dysphoric push to transition, flowing with it, it is not fightable for me so I must ride on top and not under it.  Living truth.  Knowing I may have helped even one person one time with gender perception issues.   Outlasting the bull->-bleeped-<-.  Patience.  Reaching out.  Never giving up.  Dressing underneath a male presentation so I always know the core is still me.  Quality time in full transition mode, including seeing me in the mirror.  Looking at the positive never the negative.  Seeing wonderful things grow, slowly, but they are there.

Just a thought or two.

Fear sucks, we don't need it.  Lean on the forum.

What have your personally used to fight the discomfort if you had it, as a non binary soul of the forest?

I pray this will help someone out there somewhere.  Not what worked for me so much as what works for you.

Look for those we need to love up that are on the board.... the stakes are so bloody high

--SJ in male mode.

[suzifrommd]

I needed to transition to live as a woman to beat my dysphoria. Keeping my male part buried doesn't produce nearly the dysphoria as keeping my female part buried.

[Satinjoy]

In some ways I envy you.  In another world, a different reality, it could  have been my destiny too.

But not now.

I'd do srs if it was feasible.  I keep that part of me covered, almost all the time, and I don't like looking down when it isn't.

Decoration and marital insurance policy now.  Male functional part of me is useless as a male functional part, its a female functional part that looks male and isn't wired that way at all. 

So that's another one for me.  Always in satin, or nylon.

The female part of me is always present.  It never stops.

-- Satinjoy, in blended mode moving towards female now.  the paradox of fluid.

I get jealous sometimes of the fully transitioned mtfnb's.  I shouldn't though.  Besides, I have a female body now, just have a "leftover".

Blessings, in flux here between the two binaries, happens when threatened.  Nobody is doing that but others are having pain and that can bring out the male, or the female in all her emotional strength.  The male acts.  The female loves.  Fascinating.

[JulieBlair]

Seemingly the thing that works for me whenever I am dysphoric, restless, irritable, and discontented is service. (sound familiar sweetie).  Gender is just the mother of all the issues in my life.  There is much about the people, places, and things in my life that I find unacceptable, and for me to get to acceptance requires action.  When I am connected to your joys, and even your pain, self absorption slips into the background.  I am not living vicariously through other people, but I cherish being a part of that community that lives, celebrates, cries, seeks and grows. 

When I began my search for authenticity, I was alone, frightened, and seemingly hopeless. Thirty months and two years of HRT later I find myself with friends that I would go to the mat for and who would do the same for me.  It is a good thing, particularly since yesterday I discovered that unless I want to shell out more money than I have, I will have to wait almost two years for surgery.  Yesterday that was deflating, not so much today.  It just means that things are a bit (and really only slightly) more complicated in my day to day life. I would rather not have any "leftovers" but so it goes.

The important thing is that I am filled with hope.  I get to travel and meet some of the people who have been my teachers here.  I'm working in the political and academic worlds to ensure that those who follow have an easier time.  I'm writing and learning and talking and living.  All this flows from being useful and needed.  All this flows for being a part of something larger than myself. This is my community, you are my people.  Not bad for an old and lonely bird who finally found her wings.

Fair Winds and Calm Seas,

Julie

[Satinjoy]

But what do we tell pretransition newbies, or those not on hormones, those waiting for them, to lessen their discomfort?  There is a need for this, they may be too new for service....

Hence, the thread.

I have little discomfort.  It comes and goes.  It used to be really bad.  Now it isn't, and I like the way I am.  And there are moments of great pleasure and rest.

Not invalidating anything here, more concerned about the beginning of getting help, we are at the endgame level I think, at least I am.

[JulieBlair]

I think we tell them with words and actions that there is a land over the rainbow; that anyone who believes and is willing can get there; that who they are is real and that they matter.  I think we hold them as tightly as we can knowing that the drama and the fear will eventually become hope and courage.  I think that we turn the results over to God, that we do everything in our power to be a vehicle rather than a conductor.

I think that is what we do for the newbies, for each other, for anyone reaching out.  That is what I mean by service.

That Satinjoy, is what you have done for me.

Love You Girlfriend,

Julie

[Sammy]

I am still trying to figure this one out . Ironically, but it is the "male" part which tends to get dysphoric when something goes really wrong (still need to figure out which are the triggers) and I just let him cause controlled havoc and get some adrenaline (providing he does not break anything in this body or any other, lol).

[helen2010]

SJ

4 things helped me deal with NB dysphoria:

1.  Cross dressing.  This happened more and more frequently as dysphoria increased.  Eventually got fed up with the level of performance needed to get even close to passing

2.   Gender therapy.  This was the breakthrough - both the process and the diagnosis helped me understand that I am trans* and started me on the road to self acceptance and expression

3.    Low dose hrt and a skilled endo enabled me to shut down the dysphoria, gain an emotional richness that I hadn't thought possible and for the first time express myself authentically as NB.  This was a non linear journey as at first I thought that there was only one option or path ie MTF ...  I realised after FFS, hair removal and transition levels of hrt that I was NB and an mtf transition was not  a path that I should take.  I am now learning to express myself as MTNB or MTA.  In doing this, even minor gender cues are having a positive and disproportionate impact on my well being.

4.     Community, social support and research.  I could not have taken this journey alone.  I needed to share my fears, my dreams, my experience and my understanding with others - this was part validation and part sounding board.  Perhaps because for much of my life I felt as an outsider, an observer rather than a participant, an actor rather than authentic and as a fraud or cosmic joke.

Every journey is different.  One conscious step at a time works for me.  Sometimes I have paused, at other times I have retraced my steps - but my progress has continued and I am the richer for this.  Whereas I once felt cursed I now feel blessed.  It is funny how life turns out.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Satinjoy]

Indeed

In the beginning I felt trapped, overcome by fear, and it is a miracle I was handled right.

Our new ones do not understand there is a way out sometimes and they fold up under the pressure.  Yet that pressure is exacerbated by fear, of all kinds of things.

One of the worst for me was the feeling that transition - FTE type MTF- was inevitable.  While this may be true for binary MTF's, I see others here that have been here a long time, and are still non binaries.

So its all good advice for the newbie.  I think therapy is crucial, and they know what to do.

Low dose, high dose, crossdressing... coping skills.  Stuff that satisfies the dysphoric need to be other than birth gender. 

One of the keys I think is not fighting it, learning instead to bend with it like the wind, let it wash over you, recenter, find a comfort level.  Especially in the beginning.  True for fear, true for the overpowering need to cross over, which for me was unbearable on testosterone, and led to other unhealthy behaviours now a thing of the past.

So- again - in the beginning what did we do?

In the very beginning, I panicked, outed myself with my best friend, went too the endo to try to manipulate him into getting me estrogen, and was treated wonderfully by him,  after he told me it wasn't my fault and that I needed a letter.  And the journey began.

That after 50 purges and fighting tooth and nail not to be trans.  Didn't work, did it.

But in here, I have a reason to live.  A big one, all of our lives touch other's lives, and change them.

[ativan]

We already know the questions, we think we know the answers to most of them.
The new people have questions they haven't even begun to think of to ask.
Maybe asking those same questions and answering them as well would be a better way to go.
Something along the lines of a stickie that lists the commonest of questions, along with the answers that we have to them?
We all talk about things that someone new here might not understand what the conversation is...
It's hard to follow the logic of us, those who have been around, when the first questions haven't been answered or even asked yet.
Something to think about. Our conversations could be intimidating to some who are lurking, looking for answers.
Why not have a list of the most common answers to begin with?
Even our terminology is strange to those who haven't heard it before. MTF, MTA, MTNB, and then the same except they're FTM, FTA, etc...
HRT? What the hell is dysphoria, what is this strange thing we speak of?, lol
We talk in abbreviated language that we take for granted, how does it sound to someone new?

Is this the real question we should be asking ourselves, SJ?
Give the new people a base of information to work with, to find the questions they are looking for, to ask in the first place?
Ativan

[JulieBlair]

When I was trying to discover me.  I needed information yes.  But just as much I needed to be held, allowed to cry, be nurtured and even loved.  Agape is, I think, what is needed beyond advice, beyond information.   Sometimes I'm taken advantage of, sometimes misled here and elsewhere.  No matter,  you are here for me without conditions and saved my life.  I can do no less for the next soul coming down the road.

Peace,
Julie

[luna nyan]

Hmm... Tough one.  I have to say I have never felt overwhelming dysphoria to the point where I was depressed.  Frustrated maybe, jealous of cis people sometimes.  My management was:

I read.  Once I had access to good libraries, I devoured just about every TG biography out there.  Pre net days.  Some were sensationalist, but I discovered this stuff was out there.   Was a good counter to what was shown on Donahue et al.

Therapy was next.  It took me 4 years to get around to it from the time I decided I needed it.  Long story there.  Knowing yourself is the first thing.

Electro - getting rid of the beard was big.

Dressing - I'd build up a small wardrobe, then purge when I no longer needed the crutch.  No guilt associated.

Finally low dose HRT when I needed to stop T related age changes.

Living male andro, hormonally in flux (still sorting that out), but content in life.

[ativan]

I can do no less for the next soul coming down the road.

Agreed.

[Satinjoy]

Ativan

I think we can improve the stickies.

I would like to have the gender neutral terms thread combined with the what is your preferred pronoun thread.  As in merged.   It helps in here to know those.

I think we should poll for the FAQ on the newbies needs and sticky them, as per your sage suggestion.  NB is complicated no doubt.  But see if we can ID the early questions, and answers, and thread them.

Found out I am one of about 3 GQ in my endo's treatment area, out of about 30 current patients, and he has TS's from hundreds of miles away.  I am the only one that is GQ out of 200 for my shrink.  There are others that are still stealth in their birth genders though.

If it wasn't for this place and therapy.....

Nails out and heart open.

[Cin]

Unfortunately, right now, there is very little I can do except perusing through threads on susan's.  I have no freedom, no privacy, no safe haven to experiment with stuff, no money, nothing. I also quit shaving because I feel like my beard gets a little thicker every time I shave.

[Asche]

My dysphoria (at least I think that's what it is) revolves around:
* my (male) body and
* having to take on a male role when interacting with other people.

I deal with the body problem by just not looking at it (if I have to look in a mirror, I either simply don't see anything but the small piece I need to deal with, or else I somehow convince myself that the image isn't me.)

I deal with the social role issue by spending much of my time alone.  I feel like I can't be myself (whoever that is) around other people.  I also prefer careers and activities that take my mind away from my body and environment -- my degrees are in math, my occupation is computer programmer, and I'm into music.

Recently, though (in the last 10 years), I've started wearing things like skirts and dresses and am very slowly working my way towards a more feminine style of dressing.  Each time I take a step -- frillier skirts, tights, now dresses -- once I get used to it, I feel so much more like myself.  I've been finding places where there's less pressure for me to be a certain kind of person, and that helps (though not with the body dysphoria.)

I keep wondering if what I really need to do is transition, since I'm starting to envy cis women, but I'm always afraid that I'm envying a fantasy, and even if I go the whole way (and it all works) it won't fit me any better.

[JulieBlair]

Ashe,
The only way you will find out is to look.  Get yourself hooked up with a gender specialist, and explore how you want to spend the rest of your life.  There are a bunch of us here who are cs types.  I manage the software development group for the North Pacific Observer program.  Part of my history is a constant awareness of difference.  A difference that I accommodated by focus, study, linear thinking and isolation.  It only gets worse over any considerable length of time, and eventually even coding turns on you.  When I hit the wall, I had a project go live date looming, and could only sit at my desk weeping and in despair at three in the morning.  That was thirty - three months ago.  A lifetime and a world away.

We deserve to be happy, we deserve to  have full and rich lives.  I found a path that has brought me to a life of connectedness and joy.  That I would put a connected lifestyle and joy in the same sentence astonishes me.  I guess I better turn in my nerd card.  I also better get back to work if I ever want to go home tonight. 

Fair Winds and Smooth Seas,
Julie

[KageNiko]

It has been really awe inspiring to see such caring in this thread, that you are going out if your way to help new people, like me, find help.  Thank you. ⌒.⌒
I've been in between for about 15 years now, half my life, but I've been in denial. Denial and ignoring the truth was how I got by.
It's worked for a while because I have a job that demands so much of me, so I rarely think about myself, and my wants/needs. But recently (last 3 years) its become harder to ignore.  So I am grateful for this place, to learn from others what helps.

[JulieBlair]

KageNiko,
Glad to see you migrate beyond the gaming.  Susan's contains both fun, and enlightenment.  I hope you find both.  Gender dysphoria is real and can be debilitating.  There are some amazing people here in the non-binary group who have a tremendous amount of wisdom and experience.  Everyone is here both to help and to be helped.  Your contributions are desired and celebrated.  I was a girly boy for decades.  My path has led towards a girly girl.  For me that is where I need to be; but we all have our place, and every one is real and honorable.  Now I have again get to yet another code review.

Peace

Julie