gauging responses from family members

[amber roskamp]

Yesturday me and my brothers were watching "orange is the new black". We were talking about which characters we liked. I saw this would be a good way talk about a trans women before I had took the chance to come out to my family, but I couldn't remember what Laverne cox characters name was.(I know its sophie now I just couldn't think of it at the time). Luckily my brother brought it up. heres how the conversation went down.

"i know this is gonna sound weird, but I really like that ->-bleeped-<- lady (sorry about the use of that word but it is what he said)."

my other brother responded with "well she..  uh... its a great character. It is a really complex character"

the first brother responds, "she... it has a really good backstory"

then brother number 2 says, "yea but you realize how selfish it was."

then I say, "SHE is a really great character. I really like HER. It is awesome that the actress who plays her made it on time magazine!"

brothers change topic leaving me sad.

I am struggling with gauging how I think they will react to me being one of those "->-bleeped-<- ladies". they said that they liked her, but how they did it (and the other thing they said) was both offensive and ignorant.

My family is from the country so they are very ignorant of anything lgbt related. its pretty much automatic that if you are queer you move away from where my family lives( I moved away as well). So don't talk down about my family I still love them despite thier ignorance. Do you think this is something I could build hope on despite how badly worded their statements were? or should I be worried because their struggle to use the right pronoun?

[Brenda E]

Family member reactions are sometimes hard to predict - an odd reality because they're often the people we know the most about.  That said, when coming out to mine (and they don't all know yet), it's been positive.  The one I thought would be utterly unaccepting managed to accept it beyond my wildest dreams, and the two I sort of knew would accept it ended up doing exactly that.

All we can do it be open and honest, and give them the chance to accept us.  Don't make the mistake of assuming that someone won't be accepting and avoiding them for a long time - you'll be pleasantly surprised at how many people are cool with trans relatives.

In my experience, the one dealbreaker is religion.  If you have a hardcore religious relative, then I'd rate your chances of being accepted as low to zero.  Love of god - sadly - is more important than love of family for zealots, despite such rejection being precisely the opposite of what (I presume) god would actually want.  But whatever.

On a more positive note to end, you'll also be pleasantly surprised at how many of your family members who accept you also end up becoming your biggest supporters and allies.  They stick up for you in awkward situations, they want to be active participants in your life, they go out of their way to use the right pronouns and the right names and they correct people who don't.

There's so many happy stories about coming out to family, and they often get drowned out in the horror stories about terrible parents and bigoted siblings who reject a trans family member at the one time in his or her life when he or she needs them the most.

You'll be just fine.  Families have a way of adapting, overcoming ignorance, and moving forward.

[Madeline182]

Woot woot! Another win for oitnb!!
In my opinion, it's much easier to be harsh or cruel to someone you have never met and more than likely never will. Like you said, some of their terminology used is out of ignorance. 
The fact that they could find positive statements to say is kinda cool.  Seems promising ^__^

[amber roskamp]

In my experience, the one dealbreaker is religion.  If you have a hardcore religious relative, then I'd rate your chances of being accepted as low to zero.  Love of god - sadly - is more important than love of family for zealots, despite such rejection being precisely the opposite of what (I presume) god would actually want.  But whatever.

On a more positive note to end, you'll also be pleasantly surprised at how many of your family members who accept you also end up becoming your biggest supporters and allies.  They stick up for you in awkward situations, they want to be active participants in your life, they go out of their way to use the right pronouns and the right names and they correct people who don't.

There's so many happy stories about coming out to family, and they often get drowned out in the horror stories about terrible parents and bigoted siblings who reject a trans family member at the one time in his or her life when he or she needs them the most.

You'll be just fine.  Families have a way of adapting, overcoming ignorance, and moving forward.

my parents are both pretty religious, my dad especially I would surprised if he reacted well. it would be awesome to have my family be allies, but im still nervous as hell that I am going to lose them. I also talked to a brother about lgbt issues and he seemed like he would be open minded at least. so I am more nervous about the rejection coming from the parents end.

thank you for the encouragement it is greatly appreciated! that goes for you as well, Madeline!

[Brenda E]

. . . im still nervous as hell that I am going to lose them. . . .

Always keep the door open, even if you're not accepted right away.  People change.  Don't be the one who doesn't pick up the phone, who deletes emails without reading them, or doesn't invite them to important occasions in your life.

You're not going to lose them; they're going to lose you.  The burden is on them to accept you for who you are, not on you to be someone they can accept.  Remember that any cracks in the relationship are not your fault for coming out and asking for acceptance and understanding.  You're doing nothing wrong by being trans.

If they're good parents and good people, they'll want nothing more than seeing a child happy and safe.  Judging from the reasonable way your brothers have already spoken about this issue (not great, but not a trans-phobic disaster either), it sounds like your parents are good enough to have raised some pretty solid, regular guys with fairly open minds.  They raised you, too.

[Foxglove]

We need to remember there's a big difference between talking about something in the abstract and being faced with the reality.  There's positive things in what they're saying.  When they're faced with the reality (you), then the positive could swallow up the negative in what they were saying.  There is reason to be hopeful.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Family member reactions are sometimes hard to predict.

That's true. I remember many years ago when I was in the closet, I would hear family members make transphobic comments. It made me feel pretty horrible at the time and made me more reluctant to even bother with attempting to transition. But once I came out (and after a few years of adjustment on their part, which was admittedly a pretty rough time for everyone, myself included), they began to come around and get on board. Yeah, I have a few people like my father, his friend and my brother that are pretty clueless about the whole thing. But they are pretty clueless about most things that are outside their miniscule bubble of "life".

[Melizza]

I guess that's has been most people experience, I remembered in the past my family saying horrible things about transgender people, I used to bit my tongue and just stay quiet.

Now that I have been out since 1/2012 my family has learned more about me and they now understand a little bit more about transgender people, I know that not all of them agree with me but I feel good when i go to my family meetings and I know they look and get surprised about all my changes and how i look.

[amber roskamp]

like at this point it is hard for me to even hang out with them because like i have become so like comfortable with my femininity. that makes it hard for me to put on the male mask. i really have to come out to them, but im intimidated by this step more then any of the other steps in the transition. so thank you for the encouragement! i think i am a step closer to coming out to them!

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I used to bit my thong

I hope that was a clean thong.

[Melizza]

I hope that was a clean thong.

Lol, thanks for correcting !!

[Melizza]

like at this point it is hard for me to even hang out with them because like i have become so like comfortable with my femininity. that makes it hard for me to put on the male mask. i really have to come out to them, but im intimidated by this step more then any of the other steps in the transition. so thank you for the encouragement! i think i am a step closer to coming out to them!

It took me 35 years to come out to my family, I always used a really macho mask in front of everybody so it was a big surprised, many of them thought i was just playing a joke or something like that, when they realized it was for real nobody knew what to say.

You need to be strong, to the point that you have to be sure you will not get hurt by their responses, you need to get to a point where you understand that you could lose your family and you are ok with it.

Remember, you have to be selfish and understand this is about you, not about them, you need to be happy before you can make other people happy.

I wish you good luck, you seem like a sweet gal, I know what you are going thru, the only think i can say, there is light at the end, and everything will be better after a while.

It took my family almost three years to be ok with my changes, my father and mother used to say really mean things to me, know they are really good friends, and for the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, etc), there is nothing they can do, they know they have to respect my choices and that i do not really care what they think about it, they also know they have to respect my choice or have a big problem with my grandad (he was one of the first people in my family to accept me and open the doors to the new me, it is true, the older the wiser).

Again, good luck!!!

[amber roskamp]

It took me 35 years to come out to my family, I always used a really macho mask in front of everybody so it was a big surprised, many of them thought i was just playing a joke or something like that, when they realized it was for real nobody knew what to say.

You need to be strong, to the point that you have to be sure you will not get hurt by their responses, you need to get to a point where you understand that you could lose your family and you are ok with it.

Remember, you have to be selfish and understand this is about you, not about them, you need to be happy before you can make other people happy.

I wish you good luck, you seem like a sweet gal, I know what you are going thru, the only think i can say, there is light at the end, and everything will be better after a while.

It took my family almost three years to be ok with my changes, my father and mother used to say really mean things to me, know they are really good friends, and for the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, etc), there is nothing they can do, they know they have to respect my choices and that i do not really care what they think about it, they also know they have to respect my choice or have a big problem with my grandad (he was one of the first people in my family to accept me and open the doors to the new me, it is true, the older the wiser).

Again, good luck!!!

thank you mzaomz this was super helpful. i actually wrote the first draft of the coming out letter. i am going to have some friends proof read it and give me their input. i am scared still, but i have to do it sometime. this is the first big hurdle i have in my journey. wish me luck