Cisgender people don't think about their gender THIS much, right?

[justkaty]

I'm going crazy with self-doubt. Cisgender people don't look at the mirror and say, "hey, no, I don't like that, that shouldn't be there." They're not members of this site. They would feel uncomfortable presenting as anything but their assigned gender. Are these feelings normal? I WANT to transition - I'm taking all the first steps with moving towards HRT and changing my presentation - but these feelings are killing me.

[Paige]

- but these feelings are killing me.

Welcome to the club    Probably 80% of my time is wasted thinking about transitioning.   It has always been there, but as I get older it has gotten much worse.  Since I'm like you, I can only go by what cisgender people have told me,  apparently they never think about stuff like this.

Take care,
Paige

[Athena]

EDIT: video moved to topic "for those questioning"

She seems to be a bit of a cheerleader but I found it somewhat comforting.

[Paige]

Thanks White Rabbit for posting that video.  Part 1 and 2 really hit home with me.
Paige

[VannaSiamese]

It's hard. I use to obsess constantly about transitioning, and it consumed nearly all my mental energy.  I think you will eventually reach a point where you are able to sorta let go.

[Mark3]

Hi there JustKaty,
Thanks so much for sharing..
I'm CIS, and I understand how you feel..
No I don't think I'll ever present as the opposite gender, even though I feel some of the same things inside as some here.. I do know what it feels like to hate what I see in the mirror, even though I may have different reasons...
Youre very normal, and I feel your pain.. I'm so very sorry its getting to you so bad..
If there's anything I can do to help, please just ask, anything at all..
Hugs

[Brenda E]

Katy, I asked the same question long ago.  I forget who it was, but one friendly old-timer on this site pointed out that cisgender people generally don't spend their time posting here, and there's obviously something going on in terms of gender if you're here in the first place.

Just asking the question is itself pointing to the answer.

Now, that raises another question.  Are you questioning whether you're trans or not, or are you really questioning whether you want to go through the massive trauma of transitioning? 

[Cindy]

Well I gave a talk at a conference last week about Transgender issues in the workplace to occupational medics.

The second question I asked the audience was hands up who woke up this morning and decided to check what gender they were.

Not a single one did

[suzifrommd]

I'm going crazy with self-doubt. Cisgender people don't look at the mirror and say, "hey, no, I don't like that, that shouldn't be there." They're not members of this site. They would feel uncomfortable presenting as anything but their assigned gender. Are these feelings normal? I WANT to transition - I'm taking all the first steps with moving towards HRT and changing my presentation - but these feelings are killing me.

A trans friend and I came up with a name for this - GIP, Gender Identity Preoccupation. When my mind wouldn't let me think of anything else.

It got better once I got my transition underway.

[Cin]

I have thoughts about gender for about 40 minutes every hour.

[Mark3]

GIP, Gender Identity Preoccupation. When my mind wouldn't let me think of anything else.

That's a new term I learned today, and understand it clearly..
Thank you.

[Sarah84]

I am suffering GIP. I spend major part of my time thinking about my gender issues every day.

[dalebert]

They're not members of this site.

Mostly not, but I am one of the exceptions. I've been a fairly active member for some years now.

I had what I am inclined to call dysphoria that lingered for quite some time about some aspects of puberty--body hair and baldness. I'm not even a very hairy guy but just going from completely hairless to having some and starting to shave made me FEEL really hairy. I went to some lengths to deal with my dysphoria in both cases despite identifying as cisgendered. I remember being very upset about how my facial hair went halfway down my neck (as it does with the vast majority of guys) instead of stopping right at the back of my chin. I got electrolysis on my neck for a long time that was quite painful and expensive. I don't think I got enough for it to make much of a difference in the long run, however. I remember feeling like it was early to start shaving even though it wasn't at all. I was constantly checking out these same things on other guys and being very jealous of even less hairy guys and things like that but also realizing that my case was fairly typical, or even below average, and yet it still bothered me a lot for many years. It's really funny to me now as I realize that I don't have much body hair or facial hair for a guy and I'm finally not dysphoric about those things though I still find the idea of being completely hairless very appealing and I'm thinking about starting to shave my legs. I've done it a few times and it was very easy with the fine and sparse hair I have there. I'm just contemplating making it a somewhat regular thing.

I want to be clear that I would not compare my dysphoria to most trans dyshporia in terms of the degree of anxiety it caused but there was definite anxiety that took many years to stop obsessing about. I can't even imagine how bad that must get for trans folk. So though I wouldn't compare it in degree, I would say that it's very similar. I sometimes even wonder if I'm a little bit trans but still mostly on the male side of the sliding scale. My first boyfriend treated me like the "girl" in the relationship both in bed and just in general, like opening doors for me and treating when we went to dinner and such. It was very hetero-normative. He actually talked about it on one of our first dates and I was just kind of stunned and confused. I recall thinking he was being sort of selfish. That's what he was comfortable with and I recall settling into that role very comfortably once I got over the initial confusion and he didn't seem selfish at all. I kind of liked how he put me up on a pedastal. I felt kind of spoiled.

[Foxglove]

I'd be surprised if cisgender people think about their gender as much as we do.  They have no real reason to, I wouldn't think.  On the other hand, from what I've often heard, your average cisgender guy thinks about having sex with ridiculous regularity--something like every minute of the day.  Maybe it's not that often, but it's ridiculously often.  So it's whatever floats your boat.

[Dread_Faery]

Given how narrow the patriarchal constraints are on femininity I think you'd be surprised. Any woman that exists outside of them will think about their gender... it might not be as raw and visceral as dysphoria but it's there.

[iiMTF]

Thinking about my gender is literally all I've been thinking about for the past 7 weeks, it was less frequent over the course of my life, tho it started REALLY getting to me about seven weeks ago. Hence why I joined Susan's about 2 weeks ago, on I believe August 15.

There is not a moment of my day when it leaves my mind. The only time I'm free of these thoughts is when I'm sleeping.

iiMTF

[katiej]

I've definitely got a bad case of GIP. 

This issue is really what finally convinced me that I am, in fact, transgender.  I always wished I was a woman, and always would have preferred to have a vagina.  But when I finally realized that cis people don't think about it, it dawned on me that I really am different.  They may have a passing thought about what it would be like to be in the opposite gender role, but it certainly doesn't dominate their waking thoughts or push them into a spiral of depression and self-destructive tendencies.

[Mark3]

On the other hand, from what I've often heard, your average cisgender guy thinks about having sex with ridiculous regularity--something like every minute of the day.  Maybe it's not that often, but it's ridiculously often.  So it's whatever floats your boat.

I have to disagree..
The whole label thing inherently bothers me, painting all CISgender people with such a broad brush.. I get tired of using labels to discuss people, I don't even like to describe myself as CIS, it just sounds so alienating to me, especially in a group of others that are labeled something different, where I want to fit in and be thought of as a friend, as like minded.. But that just seems to be the way the world is, and there's nothing I can do about it..
So back to the issue, there was never any time in my life when I was so preoccupied with sex, just never was.. All of the girls I had crushes on I wanted an emotional relationship with most, and sex was just part of the progression of the relationship.. Even with my wife, were close for 5 years before we had sex, and even that seemed hasty, as we both initially wanted to wait till we got married..
I may be an exception to how some "CIS" people act, but there's a minority of people like me who don't fit most stereotypes of CIS people, they just don't have a label for us..
Yet.....