good news guys! i finally made a phone call to this lgbtqi support group i've been talking about for ages- the only one i could find in this country- through the hotline for transgender people. of course i had to wait till mom went shopping and my brother was playing some video game with headphones on, so i called them. they put me through to one of their counselors and i barely managed to tell her my situation without breaking into tears. she listened on and told me its okay to be trans and i don't have to be afraid and all that calming down stuff. then i asked her my burning question, if it is POSSIBLE to transition in this country. and she said yes!! she told me all the steps starting from diagnosis, therapy and counselling, hrt and even TOP SURGERY and removal of female bits were available here!! but i will have to travel abroad for the bottom surgery but that can wait surely.
the counselor said she would get me an appointment with a therapist and asked me to call again after a few hours. but the therapists are only found in the capital and she asked if i'd be able to come. i can't without my parents and they know nothing about my problems. she said i'll have to come out to them soon, and email the support group confirming i called them, and then they'll find me a therapist and make an appointment for me and send the therapist's contact details.
so here i am, stuck with coming out. i can't do it. i just can't get the words out of my mouth. and i live with them and its a hell to live with the temptation all day long without the courage to actually do it.
btw i decided i WILL NOT wear earrings again. i just realized that its not just GD alone that drives me away from earrings, but also my needle-phobia. so i thoroughly resisted wearing them this time, to the point of my brother pinning me down on the bed, mom grabbing my ear trying to put the earring on and me screaming like i was being murdered. (man, that was domestic violence) and that stopped them from physically trying again. but mom was so worried ans was constantly trying to bend me into it bargaining all kinds of stuff ( "i'll let you go out with friends if you wear earrings today") but i kept refusing. the hardest part was her asking me why i didn't want it. i thought of explaining my needle-phobia but that won't be useful with MY mom. i know this is a great time to come out to her but i just can't get it out!
she has started telling stuff like 'you look like one of those girls who are trying to look like boys (she means butch girls) without earrings. i'm very ashamed.' 'are you trying to become a boy? no matter how hard you try you can't do it. admit it!' etc. so you see, she's almost offering me chances to come out and i'm just letting them all go, hoping to strike the next time.
i don't know how long i'll be holding on like this. i'll either come out or go crazy. whatever happens i'll update you.
