Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well.
So I've been feeling a bit better lately and my suicidal thoughts have sort of subsided (for now). I made a thread about a week ago detailing how I was feeling. If you'd like to read it to get a better understanding of what I'm talking about then here's the link:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,172124.msg1507485.html#msg1507485 Ever since I could remember I've always felt like something was off until I came to the realisation I was transgender last year. I feel so much more comfortable with myself after making some necessary changes and have accepted the fact I am like this. I've been seeing a few gender therapists since then and am out to my whole family. I had a plan to off myself before my birthday earlier this year but for the first time in my life there were some positive changes that made me reconsider. I felt hopeful that I could one day could be content with myself. Due to certain laws and other factors I'll have to wait another 8 months or so before I can start hrt. There is a possibility for me to start blockers within the coming months though which I am so grateful for. I think I could've started them a few months ago but I had some misunderstandings and everything ended up being delayed again.
I guess right now I just feel helpless. I honestly don't know if I can last until then. Right now I'm in a better frame of mind but I know how much of a risk I pose to myself when I become suicidal. I know how I'd go about it and the method I have in mind is almost certain death and is very lethal. I've been feeling very flat lately. I haven't been doing anything at all; even guitar which usually takes up most of my time. This is a first for me because even when I have felt suicidal in the past I'd still play guitar but I want to give up on it and quit my lessons for some reason. I even tried to get in contact with someone from a helpline but their online counselling was closed and I don't like talking over the phone. I've been in bed almost 24/7 just thinking and contemplating things. I was so close on a few nights to calling an inpatient unit but I always feel like an idiot. The feelings usually pass but I feel as though I shouldn't even call unless I attempt something but if I do attempt something then I'd know there's a very high chance I won't be alive afterwards.
I was feeling really empty last night and didn't even hug my Mum. I sleep on a bunk bed and she's pregnant and is due really soon so I know it's hard for her to move around but even then after she stepped up to give me a hug I just lied there feeling empty.
She did try talking to me but I don't think she knew just how depressed I was feeling. It made me upset that I was having thoughts of taking my life after that because it shifted my thoughts towards my family and I don't want to hurt them in such a way. My appetite has been very low and I've been drinking almost nothing. When I have gone to eat I take a few bites then feel sick so I stop eating. I've been having feelings of sadness too. I need to move on from some things but I can't seem to just accept my situation. I should be finishing school this year, I've always been much younger than people in my year level when I was at school and always thought I'd finish at a really young age and be the first one in my family to actually complete year 12. Now I'm 2 years behind everyone and I have no friends or a social life, or a life at all...
I've been thinking about what I'd like to do in the future. I done an audition for a course in music and passed pretty well and I felt very proud of myself (never done something like that in my whole life!). I plan to start that course at the beginning of next year but it's really far. There is a possibility of getting residency there but I don't know if I'd be able to. Another passion of mine aside from music is helping people. I'd love to be a psychologist but apparently you need to finish year 12 so I've been thinking of returning to school but am not sure if that would be wise of me. It would be a completely fresh start as everyone I knew would've moved on from there, so I'd basically be able to start anew but maybe the pressure would be too much for me to handle? There's always the option of social work though but I haven't really looked into that.
I really want to get my name and gender legally changed but I need both parent's consent and have no idea how to bring it up with my father. He knows about it all but doesn't really communicate with me and never says anything helpful or positive. I'm going to do it eventually; these are changes I need to make for the better. He doesn't like the idea of me changing my name and still uses male pronouns on me even though I've told him just how much it hurts every time someone does. It's like he has no compassion or sympathy for others? He doesn't understand it fully and isn't an understanding person in general. >.> I really don't care if he's willing to support me along this journey or not though, he's never really been a parent and just makes everything harder for everyone.
I feel really vulnerable and susceptible to falling back into the thoughts of suicide. My dysphoria has been very intense lately and everything just triggers me, not like before where it didn't bother me too much and I could keep it under control. Is it even worth holding out for? I seriously don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Inside I tell myself I can keep this up forever but I see no point in doing that just for the sake of it. I've been treating myself nicely by painting my nails and doing things to feel more feminine so I guess that's a plus. I get so worried about what testosterone is still doing to my body, I know I say this a lot but it's literally like a nightmare you can't wake from.
I have a very protruding trachea which bothers me more than anything. I have a sense of how to make a quite natural and feminine sounding voice but it feels really awkward and I should practice more.
The thought of being able to have a petite, soft, beautiful and curvaceous female body gives me a feeling of euphoria and hopefulness like nothing else. It's like my only hope in being able to fully recover from my depression and anxiety. My mental illnesses seem to stem from my gender dysphoria and it all just feeds into each other and the cycle never ends. I mean, there are other reasons why I developed and have these mental illnesses in the first place but I feel as though my dysphoria plays the biggest part in it even though I knew nothing of it many years ago. I know hrt isn't magic and I'm certainly not expecting to wake up content and happy about life one day with the complete package, there's still a long road ahead and I know there's a lot more to transition than just hormones. A girl can dream, right?
I will say I'm quite lucky though. I'm still young and have a pretty nice frame for a good transition. I feel like a girl who has been cursed with the body features and the voice of a man but can still see what was once there if that makes sense... lol. I'm just scared of testosterone further taking that away from me whether that's realistic or not. I could probably pass a lot easily if I actually tried. I like to just go out as me and wear whatever I feel comfortable with but I think if I actually tried to pass as female I wouldn't have much trouble. The only things that give me away really is my voice, Adam's apple and lack of breast I'd say. Not that I really care to pass or anything, I could care less about someone's opinion or fitting in to societal norms. I don't want to change things to appeal to other people's ideals but there will be a time where I will change things when I feel comfortable and see fit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I still see hope but don't know if I can or should bother anymore. I'm always uncertain about things and this is just one of them. I really want to be a pretty girl one day and have a relationship with another woman. Ugh! Maybe one day... I'll just continue dreaming for now...
