came out of the closet - everything went fine - so why do i want to go back in?

[bune]

I kind of, sort of came out the other day by changing my name on facebook from my birth name to Emmett and posting about gender things on twitter. People pretty much know at this point, though they might not understand it fully. Eventually I'll officially come out with an explanation on non-binary genders and everything, but right now this will have to do.

Anyway, my mom was upset about it. She wanted me to talk to her first before doing something like that, which is understandable, and I feel pretty bad about it now. I told her about all my gender issues and that I wanted to see a gender therapist and she said okay.

So, everything's fine. But I'm freaking out. This happened yesterday and I'm still freaking out, as in, constantly on the verge of a panic attack. My worries are these: what if I someday decide I don't like the name Emmett anymore and want to go back to my birth name? what if I turn out to be cis? (I don't think I am cis, but still) That would be so humiliating. What if people think I'm weird? I don't want to be weird; I want to be normal and I want my gender to be considered normal. Or what if people misunderstand and think I'm a guy? There's obviously nothing wrong with that, it's just not the case, you know?

I mean. I heard my mom watching something about trans people earlier and I really did almost have a panic attack because everything seemed too real. I know how lucky I am to have people who accept me, don't get me wrong... it's just that I'm so not ready to do this, even though I thought I was. I just want to go back in the closet where I was safe. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Or does anyone have any advice for me? Thank you in advance..

[Athena]

You just took a huge step in your life. What is familiar feels safe. I would say wait before you make any big decisions until you are more comfortable with where you are now. Also talk to a therapist this is one of the reasons it is good to have one.

[Frankie]

I know how you feel, the doubt, the what if's, the insecurity. I contacted the local LGBT clinic and scheduled to start therapy, I don't understand all this either. I figure the best route to take is to go talk with people who are experts in these fields, understand, and who have been down this road before, there are also peer support and outreach groups through the LGBT. You can make some new friends and have access to 24 hour support by people who have been through this and know how to handle it. Until you have a handle on the situation and feel in full control keep one foot in the closet and consult with mom before making a decision that may cause you to panic, sometimes we cannot see or think straight (no pun intended) being inside the situation. I too have one foot in the closet where its safe. I will start therapy next week and hopefully make baby steps toward a new life. You're not alone!

[Frankie]

I know how you feel, the doubt, the what if's, the insecurity. I contacted the local LGBT clinic and scheduled to start therapy, I don't understand all this either. I figure the best route to take is to go talk with people who are experts in these fields, understand, and who have been down this road before, there are also peer support and outreach groups through the LGBT. You can make some new friends and have access to 24 hour support by people who have been through this and know how to handle it. Until you have a handle on the situation and feel in full control keep one foot in the closet and consult with mom before making a decision that may cause you to panic, sometimes we cannot see or think straight (no pun intended) being inside the situation. I too have one foot in the closet where its safe. I will start therapy next week and hopefully make baby steps toward a new life. You're not alone!

[adrian]

I absolutely know how you feel. I'm not "out" publicly, but only to two people (my therapist and my husband). Part of me is wishing that my knowledge that I'm trans would just go back into repression (where it caused so many problems for me, so I don't *really* want that). Questions I'm asking myself are: Why did I open this pandora's box? Part of me wants to transition, the whole thing, including name change, hrt, top surgery. But part of me thinks, wait, what if it's just a false alarm? Am I overreacting? I have also asked myself if I can really ask people to call me my preferred name now and change my mind again in a year if I feel it doesn't work?

The more grown-up, rational part of me knows it is perfectly fine to do that - we can only know what works for us by trying it out. And that might mean taking two steps and making one step back. But still it's so difficult for me to accept that it's OK for me to do this. I don't want to make things more complicated for other people than necessary.

[Taka]

panic attacks are normal when you do things at the spur of the moment, knowing it feels right at the time, but not having thought it through completely. suddenly thought strikes and asks you, was this really the right thing to do?

but if it felt right to do it, just breathe in, and relax. the world doesn't end, neither does your life. you're still young, making a mistake (if it turns out to be that) isn't humiliating in any way, though it can be amusing to others. even yourself when you grow older. i'm not many years older, but i'm already laughing at silly mistakes i did when i was your age.

a name can be changed many times. you've just come out, and given others a different name to use, one that represents you better. it won't be too difficult to say later that, sorry, that name doesn't sound right, so i'm making the official name change to Y instead.

and facebook is just facebook. some people seem to think it's their life, but it's not. fb is really just some social media where people lie all the time, attack or offend others for fun, and all kinds of things that they'd never do or say in real life. they do say that if it's not on the internet, then it doesn't exist. but that doesn't mean that everything on the internet is real. you are still you, the name change just a detail. some might want to tease you about it, your mother will likely want to criticize you a little more for it, but i doubt anyone wants to truly humiliate or attack you for it. that would be too troublesome.

so just relax. if you find out it wasn't the right time, you can blame it on a panic attack and go back to how things were before. people do all kinds of weird things when they're panicking over stuff, they'll cut you some slack if you ask them to.

[Ms Grace]

No need to panic about jumping the gun.You're at the early stages of discovering who you are and nothing is set in stone. A lot of folk go through several names before they settle on the the one they want to use. The important thing is to move only at the speed you feel comfortable with, you don't need to rush and you don't need to feel pressured into doing something you are not ready for, otherwise mistakes are likely to happen. If you over step the mark often it's not to late to take a step back but you should talk to a therapist who can help you work through the issues and steps to avoid situations where you can't take a step back if you change your mind.