Back here... again... -.-

[Avinia]

So, my plan I guess was to stay as far away as I could from the LGBT community, to see how things went.. Well, stuff went fine for about a week or two I guess, discovered that I do have some interest in living as a male I guess, even though they are things I could still do if I transitioned(though not sure about my dream of being a firefighter)...

But yeah, was thinking yesterday that I would be fine not transitioning, and just living my life more in between the gender roles, and then I went to youth group today and feelings just flooded in for whatever reason. I guess one of the people noticed... or was just wondering why I was staring at a wall, since she came over and asked if I was okay.

I am actually starting to question my mental health a lot more lately, I have started to think a lot more about physically harming myself.. But that doesn't scare me, what scares me is that I am starting to try to make myself go deaf I guess, again. Tried it a few years ago when I noticed that certain sounds would set me off, which has seemed to start again recently, mostly being high pitched sounds I think. Like my violin, haven't been able to practice because of this.

Am I going insane?

Just going to say here real fast, most likely in the morning I will be embarrassed about what I just posted, and won't reply for a bit.

[Ms Grace]

You needn't be embarrassed. This site is 100% for working "stuff" out and that's exactly what you are doing.  My question to you would be, why do you feel you "blanked out" at the youth group? What were there feelings going on for you? Was it related to gender issues - as in wishing you could be part of the girl's group or wishing that people would see/treat you as a female, or something else? That might give you some answers about what is going on for you.

[pianoforte]

A friend of mine mentioned a similar thing about sounds. Apparently she has a condition called misophonia, where extreme anger, rage, or other negative emotions (maybe including dysphoria?) can be triggered by certain sounds.

Might be worth talking to someone (like a counselor/therapist/etc) about - either alongside with gender issues or as its own separate thing. Sometimes getting rid of (or even just identifying) one source of negative emotions can make the rest easier to cope with.

[Avinia]

I guess gender has just become something pretty weird for me.. Think I am starting to see myself as in between the gender roles.

Misphonia or whatever it is called, I was looking for the name of that. I noticed a lot more that certain sounds will send me into a rage I guess.. or will cause me to self harm.

And now my mental health is really scaring me. For whatever reason I started researching murders, and I am pretty sure I am really messed up. Already was called psychotic multiple times today for something I wrote(it was actually the least graphic thing I have written so far, but I guess it goes too into the details of scenes I have played out in my head).

That side of things is like I said, scary to me. It has gotten to the point again where I am distancing myself from people, because I am afraid I might hurt them. Starting to really think that I do belong in a mental hospital or prison, where I can't hurt anyone.. or act out my fantasies. Going to try to bring up the courage to ask my parents to get me a therapist or someone to talk to.

On the bright side, I guess I could always write graphic horror stories or something.

[helen2010]

Avinia

Welcome back.  Susans is a great place to help you work your gender issues and plans.  However if you have any sense that you have other issues you need to seek assistance sooner rather than later.  There is enough stress around dysphoria not to be distracted by other issues which may be more quickly identified and progressed.

You sound like you are pretty concerned.  Best to listen to yourself and speak to a health professional.  Please let us know how you get on.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Taka]

oh, i want to read those graphic things you've written. it sounds really interesting. i'd particularly like to read the things that people call you psychotic for.

you'll be fine as long as you know the border between fantasy and reality. i have fantasies of my own that wouldn't do much good if i happened to forget that i'm not in a dream when i'm awake. i've even made use of horrible fantasies in order to stop myself from committing murder. that person still deserves to die a horrible death, but i no longer feel like i have to cause that.

i don't think you belong in a mental hospital, but visiting one might do you good. there might be medication that can help you not confuse reality with fantasy. you should talk to a mental health professional about this. being messed up is.. something i'm familiar with. very common trait in my family, it seems. but it's possible to deal with it and learn to handle things and triggers differently, so you can keep at least a minimum amount of sanity, and maybe even become happy with your life.

[Avinia]

Thanks for the replies...

About the graphic things, guess they aren't really considered graphic, but so far a few of the people I met on online games and stuff, have seemed a bit weird about them I guess.. But here is the one that I think I mentioned.

"Don't you love the feeling? The feeling you get as you slowly slit the throat of your victim, and their breath fades into nothingness.

Then you feel the rush, knowing you just ended a life.

I have killed many, for this feeling.. but I know it will never end my need to kill."

I think people somehow think I copied this from a website, but I guess it is loosely based on ways that real murderers have described murder, and on my own messed up fantasies/dreams.

Yeah, starting to kind of struggle with the fantasy vs reality thing.. feeling like I actually want to hurt someone.

Trying to think of a way to tell my parents I want to see a therapist for social issues.. but kind of hard since I have always imagined that it would really hurt them to find out that it isn't just my sister with mental issues(she has been in and out of mental hospitals most of her life, and has always been involved with the bad sides of society I guess, she is finally getting a little better).

[Tessa James]

Hey Avinia,

Horror stories are one thing but I am really concerned about anyone really being hurt  I am not a therapist but it seems to me that you would benefit from talking with someone soon.  Your sister is one example of how we can get better.

[Ms Grace]

I would strongly urge you to speak to someone about those feelings and thoughts, especially if you are considering acting on them. If they lead you to do something that results in another person being harmed you will be in a lot of trouble and cause considerable anguish for all others involved, including your family.