How do you come out to your wife?

[Kitten_Nikki]

Still trying to figure out how to approach this with my wife or the timing.  Beginning to think it'll never be a good time. She's suspected on and off when I've had flare-ups over the years and found my first aborted attempt when I was in my early 20s while I was researching before I ever met her, but I was a fool and kind of made excuses to her mainly because I wasn't sure about myself. Now that I am 15 years later, this is killing me on how to bring it up with her in a way that I wasn't lying before and that I just didn't know where I stood and that this isn't just another flare-up.  There's definitely some good advice here.  Thank you all for sharing. 

[katiej]

Beginning to think it'll never be a good time.

It never will.  Just get it over with. 

Good luck!

[JoanneB]

Still trying to figure out how to approach this with my wife or the timing.  Beginning to think it'll never be a good time. She's suspected on and off when I've had flare-ups over the years and found my first aborted attempt when I was in my early 20s while I was researching before I ever met her, but I was a fool and kind of made excuses to her mainly because I wasn't sure about myself. Now that I am 15 years later, this is killing me on how to bring it up with her in a way that I wasn't lying before and that I just didn't know where I stood and that this isn't just another flare-up.  There's definitely some good advice here.  Thank you all for sharing.

As my former boss once said to me when I complained that going off to World Class Manufacturing class in the middle of a 1 million dollar project, "It is never a good time..."

When the time came that I needed to tell my wife we were having a long distance marriage, She was totally depressed, near suicidal, semi-invalid, and already feeling abandoned and betrayed. Not exactly a good time, but she is my partner, confidant, and reality therapist. By the time I went to my third TG support group meeting it was already a meeting longer then I really wanted to wait.

[lori_is_here]

Thank you everyone for responding and telling me of your positive stories! Reading these have helped me out tremendously! Today is my birthday so the Dysphoria has been really hard so once today is over, I'll talk to her and explain everything!

Thank you again!!

[carrie359]

My wife knew when I was younger but thought God cured me.. I tried but it did not work..
A year ago we were having coffee as we always do in the morning... and I just finally said it.
She remembers the date and time.....it was last September 19th.  I was at a point of suicide and just tired of living a lie.
I started therapy without her knowing before I told her so I could get a grip on myself.
Sometimes, some will act like no big deal and want to be there for you.... some will then change.. I have been lucky except for my daughter...
Good luck
With love and Caring,
Carrie

[Monica Jean]

99.9% sure my wife will "split", go all-out with verbal rage, then tell everyone on her phone's contact list.  I'm not even sure why I should even be open with her.  This is gonna really suck

[ImagineKate]

I have no idea what my wife will do. I'm just hoping that if she splits that I get enough time with my kids. However I think she may live in denial for a while and then gradually accept it.

I feel she knows something is up already. In fact there's no denying, because now she looks at me a lot and asks, "what's wrong?" She's never done that before. This is in addition to other things she's said like, "you don't look yourself anymore" and also flipping out when I started to adjust my look. I have my first therapy appointment booked so I'm a bit nervous.

[katiej]

Kate, I really recommend talking with your wife before seeing a therapist. Partnership seems to be a common factor in whether a marriage survives transition. So making unilateral decisions like seeing a therapist without at least talking it over with your wife beforehand is exactly not partnership.

Just tell her you're in pretty bad shape mentally and you think you may be transgender and you need to see a therapist. You're not forcing anything on her (yet), you've made no decisions without her, and you're leaving the door open for her to get on board willingly.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes.

[Kay]

I'll have to disagree on that point Katiej (in regards to seeing a therapist).  Getting help for yourself should not be contingent upon someone else's approval.  Therapy can be a good way of figuring out what you need.  It can also help with other issues of depression, anxiety, etc. that may be accompanying factors.  A good therapist can also help with coming out to a spouse, and working with a spouse.   Depression is a good enough reason to see a therapist (and it can often be covered by insurance)...just make sure they also deal with gender identity as well.   I would tell your spouse that you're going for depression, and for internal issues you've been dealing with for most of your life.
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"Partnership" is two (or more) individuals working together toward a common goal.  You can't be an equal partner if you don't know yourself as an individual.  That's where therapy can come in...as it can be difficult to know yourself well when this issue has been locked up in your head for years without discussion/expression outside of that head-space. 
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Therapy isn't everything though...you'll need to explore by doing things too. And when you're ready for that point...that's when you need to tell your spouse and bring them into the discussion.  As soon as you tell them that you're transgender, there will be questions, and you'll need to be able to have some answers, and a general plan of actions you want to pursue.   Those actions and the the how/where/when decisions are things that a couple can talk about and compromise on because they are concrete.  Telling a spouse before this point will only make them worry with no end in sight...which isn't very fair to them, and puts a lot of strain on the relationship.
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= = = =
My own coming out went rather horribly.  I didn't do any sort of therapy beforehand, which is why I recommend it.  In brief, I thought the worst thing that could happen was that my wife would leave.  I was wrong.  She got very abusive and manipulative (threatening self-harm/suicide as a means of control), did what she could to isolate me, and frequently tried to excuse her abusive behavior on OCD/Bipolar issues she didn't previously display. 

My experience is not a common one.  It's far more common for a spouse to simply leave.  But I think it's important for someone coming out to be ready to leave if things get bad...and more importantly to have a support structure (whether accepting friends or a therapist) so that they don't get isolated, and have someone to talk with about what is going on.
= = = =
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Best of luck to you.

[ImagineKate]

I want to see the therapist first because that's one of the first things we agreed to discuss. They did ask if I came out to her already when I was setting it up. I know I have to (and I will) but I want their professional opinion on how best to do it because I don't want to mess it up. Yes, I know there's no right way to do something like this that can potentially (and likely) end our marriage but I really do need help to do this.

Either way it will be earth shattering but I want to be prepared. I still have a couple weeks so I could just come out to her, but I don't want to go up and say, "hey by the way you married a woman, how do you want to proceed?"

[Jenna Marie]

Well, FWIW, my wife felt like going into therapy was the first "real" step in transition. It shook her up pretty badly when it happened; I'm certain (and she has said) that had I done it "behind her back," she would have felt betrayed and hurt. Given how hysterical she was when she *was* part of the process... I don't think that would have gone well.

But I can understand wanting to see a therapist to figure out if transition is even on the table - by that point, I knew it was.

[katiej]

My wife had a similar reaction to Jenna's.  She was hurt by the fact that I had hidden this from her, but she understood why.  And she said it really did help to know that I had never told anyone else.  She was the first that I had ever trusted with my biggest secret.

IMO the problem with going to therapy first is that when you already have a diagnosis before coming out, you're basically throwing down an ultimatum at that point.  "This is how it is, honey.  Get on board."  And you've not given her a chance to get on board willingly.

It's an issue of timing.  We've taken years to come to terms with who we are, but this is new for them.  And the way we first approach the subject makes a real difference.  My wife felt like I trusted her fully for perhaps the first time, and she slowly warmed up to the idea.  And we're taking each step together.  Ultimately, it's my decision, but she's part of it because it's happening to her too.

And do you really need a therapist to tell you that you have gender issues?  You've got 300+ posts on Susans.  Cis people are't spending that much time here. 

[ImagineKate]

LOL! 300 posts? Yikes. Maybe I need to dial it back some... 

I know I'm trans. Pretty sure my wife has a hint too. The changes she's seeing lately are scaring her though, and this was my reason to reach out for help. Scaring her I feel because we have young kids and they need both of us and she's afraid that too much change would jeopardize that. My son is showing some signs too such as secretly dressing in his sisters' boots and asking explicitly to go to the girls' bathroom but it's waaaayyyy too early to tell. But my wife freaks out when he does that and I kind of do too.  Yeah, so as they say in the FB relationship status, "it's complicated."

The therapist is more about practical issues and sorting myself out, and most importantly, WTF exactly I want and need to do. I could have done informed consent much cheaper and easier and save time too but I feel that I need to see a therapist because I need not only to sort out my self, but also practical advice. More importantly I am not a psychological/medical professional. I studied a bit of it in college (and was good at it, like all my subjects actually) but I'm by no means an expert.

I don't really want to throw down an ultimatum but either way, do I really have a choice? Do I ask her permission and she says no, I just don't do anything, accept my fate and slowly kill myself inside? Or even worse, just decide one day to end it? Or even worse, procrastinate and have to go through this later on? Or secretly self medicate because I can't live with myself? Or do I come prepared and say something like, "this is what we're dealing with, how should we proceed? I want you on board."

I might have it easier since we really aren't at all intimate anymore, hell we don't even kiss properly, just a quick smack on the lips now. So the stuff that goes on (or rather, doesn't) in the bedroom isn't really going to change. But again, WHO KNOWS.

PS apologies to the OP for this thread jack... I might just start a new one.

[katiej]

Don't worry about the OP.  You're about the third or fourth person to tack on their own questions to this thread. 

I agree with you about the role of the therapist.  You need someone who's knowledgeable on the subject to coach you through it.  And I'm all for that.  I'm going through it myself right now.

There's a happy medium between informing her of your decision and asking for permission.  It really is as simple as allowing her to be part of the process from the very beginning.  And if you're hoping to have her be a partner through the process, you had better treat her as one from the beginning.  Again, it's ultimately your decision.  But you have to keep her involved in the decision-making process.

Just keep in mind that the coming out conversation doesn't usually get into detailed planning about transition and the future.  Those questions will be asked and answered over the next days/weeks.  Again, you've spent a lot of time thinking about it.  She hasn't.  So the initial coming out is just bringing the issue out into the open and trying your damndest to reassure her that you're not wanting to abandon her or the kids.  It's an emotional conversation that's usually centered on her...not on you (if that makes sense). 

You say she's probably got a clue about it.  Just put it out there and let go of the secret.  It's going to be rough, but the weight that will lift off your shoulders will be massive.

[JoanneB]

My wife had a similar reaction to Jenna's.  She was hurt by the fact that I had hidden this from her, but she understood why.  And she said it really did help to know that I had never told anyone else.  She was the first that I had ever trusted with my biggest secret.

IMO the problem with going to therapy first is that when you already have a diagnosis before coming out, you're basically throwing down an ultimatum at that point.  "This is how it is, honey.  Get on board."  And you've not given her a chance to get on board willingly.

It's an issue of timing.  We've taken years to come to terms with who we are, but this is new for them.  And the way we first approach the subject makes a real difference.  My wife felt like I trusted her fully for perhaps the first time, and she slowly warmed up to the idea.  And we're taking each step together.  Ultimately, it's my decision, but she's part of it because it's happening to her too.

+1
Likely you've spent nearly a lifetime just trying to sort things out enough just to get to this point. Contrast that to an SO that is has only milliseconds to process the thousands of questions of reptilian visceral emotions that dropping the T-Bomb WILL evoke.

By my third support group meeting there was absolutely no doubt in my mind I needed to be there. The following weekend when I made the trip back home I had absolutely no doubt I needed to tell my wife what was up.  There was also no doubt in my mind transitioning was the last thing I wanted from this process.

Six-seven years later I still have absolutely no doubt I need to go to my group meeting no matter how deeply into a "WTF am I doing?" funk I may be. There is also no doubt in my mind that a full-time transition is no longer the last thing I want from this process. My wife is probably a lot more sure of how far up on the list it is then I am.

What a long strange trip it has been

[mac1]

............................
Scaring her I feel because we have young kids and they need both of us and she's afraid that too much change would jeopardize that. My son is showing some signs too such as secretly dressing in his sisters' boots and asking explicitly to go to the girls' bathroom but it's waaaayyyy too early to tell. But my wife freaks out when he does that and I kind of do too. Yeah, so as they say in the FB relationship status, "it's complicated."
...................................

Whatever you do - don't discourage him! You might even try to encourage his exploration. If your wife can accept him doing those things it might be easier for her to accept you doing it.

[ImagineKate]

Whatever you do - don't discourage him! You might even try to encourage his exploration. If your wife can accept him doing those things it might be easier for her to accept you doing it.

I am trying to remain neutral. He asks to go to the girls bathroom, but I tell him, I can't do that yet honey. Well, not in front of his mom... The girls bathroom thing may not be gender related. He is afraid of urinals and the loud hand dryer. He does a lot of typical boy things too, play with trucks and really plays rough. Yeah but I'm not making the same mistake my parents did with me. He plays with his sisters with their princess castle etc (but with a prince horse). He also plays with his scooter, toy trucks and toy tools. He also seems OK with his male parts and not disgusted by it. Anyway it is too early to tell but I am letting him be himself. All I want is success for him (and his sisters). I am also reading the DES threads because since this was a risky multiple birth she took a lot of various hormones and expensive fertility drugs up to a certain point in the pregnancy because we had multiple miscarriages, including one at 16 weeks. I'm hoping it didn't affect them too much.

[mac1]

Whatever you do - don't discourage him! You might even try to encourage his exploration. If your wife can accept him doing those things it might be easier for her to accept you doing it.

I am trying to remain neutral. He asks to go to the girls bathroom, but I tell him, I can't do that yet honey. Well, not in front of his mom... The girls bathroom thing may not be gender related. He is afraid of urinals and the loud hand dryer.
............................

If he asks to use the girl's bathroom when your wife is along, say "Yes, your mother can take you!"

[ImagineKate]

If he asks to use the girl's bathroom when your wife is along, say "Yes, your mother can take you!"

She does but she's not always around to.

[mac1]

If he asks to use the girl's bathroom when your wife is along, say "Yes, your mother can take you!"

She does but she's not always around to.

Is he old enough to go in there by himself?