Thanks for the welcome and to all on the forum. All the stories help a bit.
The androgynous thing is actually one of my coping strategies, probably the only one that actually works and makes me feel a bit better. I mean I can try to wolf out a bit (naturally hairy guy, and I put on a bit of muscle easily) but the dysphoric feelings become extremely stressful and intense, almost physical; a more neutral look almost fixes this, but also makes "slipping" int girl-mode easier. It's not necessarily bad, by now I am almost getting used to it, whatever I feel when I get back in guy-mode. But for now it's more an helper than something I really am.
As for being what one is, there's a lot of truth in that. And I ran not entirely unconsciously for more than 20 years from that so I am very aware of it. It's just that I have a strong belief (for personal reasons, not a judgement on other people's character) that will should be more important than our basic nature. So to accept that something that I am can be stronger that what I decided to be is still quite hard. Though this last year is making it somewhat easier, or just inexorable. It's a lot of stuff.
What I know is that I'm trying to get in touch with a therapist in the next few days, a big jump already, and let's see what comes out of it.
Thanks all again.
