Singing makes my girlfriend uncomfortable.....

[devon14]

Hey Everyone,


Haven't been on here in quite some time now. Everything is going so well for me atm. For the first time in my life, I am in an relationship after being on HRT for four months. The relationship between my girlfriend and I is quite strong right now. However, there is something that I do to de-stress that causes her to feel uncomfortable.

My girlfriend is trans* as well and my singing causes dysphoria in her and it causes her to see me differently which she feels is more of a primitive response that she feels that she has a hard time controlling. My regular voice sounds quite feminine but when I sing, I surprise people with just how deep my voice gets. My singing voice is akin to a 1940's crooners singing voice. She asked me why I enjoy singing in such a voice and I told her that it is the voice that nature gave me and the pitch that I feel I can sing my best in. I informed her that not only does singing like this help de-stress me but it also reminds me of my late brother as he sung that way as well and singing in that manner makes me feel like he's next to me.

I told her that I could just stop singing and she told me that she would feel bad if I did that as she knows how important it is to me but she does not know of a solution for this issue. I told her not to worry about it for the moment and that we will find solution in time but in the mean time, that i wont sing that way around her. She was contempt with this response.

I hate that my singing pains her so much. It makes me feel like an abomination that I even have the ability to sing like this when I obviously look like a female. It also pains me that society sees this as "shameful" just because I am a woman.

I don't know what to do to come to compromise on this matter with my girlfriend. She does not want me to stop singing yet when I do sing around her, I can just see the pain in her eyes which makes me so sad.......what should I do? I'm lost

[Madeline182]

 
That's a tough one.
I can sorta relate, but I'm dating myself.. And my singing sorta confuses me too.  I'm still working on my pitch, but I sing almost every second I'm in the car no matter how far I'm going.  My fav band is Coheed and Cambria, and most of the time I can just take it up an octave and keep in tune.. Buuut, their style of music makes it more fun to have a deeper voice is some parts of the songs.

Being a band geek, my quick answer would be that your (our/everyone's) voice is an instrument.  It's my second fav after trombone.  Even with a trombone you can go way low and then take it well into the treble range.  I hope y'all find some peace or middle ground with this teeny conundrum. 

[Shantel]

I can relate to your situation. Everyone stops their ears and tells me to stop whenever I feel joyful and want to sing. I suppose that it's off key or something, but it really turns my mood sour quickly when that do that to me. There's even a reference to singing in the bible that says "Make a joyful noise" so how dare they do that to us when we are being joyful even if it does sound like noise to them.

[findingreason]

In a way I can highly relate to what you are going through. My girlfriend is supportive of my singing on one hand, but I am pre-transition too. It's a constant thing on my mind about transition. I have a good male singing voice that's quite versatile in range and I really have a respect/love for it......but it sounds just that: male. I've often worried about what it would mean for me when transitioning to continue to sing like I do, because of how society would view it as "shameful", and the fact that it will automatically red flag me and out me on the spot too.

[LordKAT]

Have you tried asking her if she has any ideas how you can help her get past this?

[wanessa.delisola]

Singing is,  among other things,  a product of training.  Obviously,  that are limits to where you can go with your voice,  but maybe you can train your singing voice to a more feminine one.   I would sai to you prevent to sing in front of her,  but it seems that is a really big matter to you.  So,  u can go training.  But I really don't know if and how much it would change.
Being honest with you,  seems more  a problem that your go should deal that something you should change. Try being patient with her and help her.  I'm sure you two can find a middle way.

[Misato]

I call my voice my superpower when I sing in society, especially when I sing Rick Astley's "Never Going to Give You Up"

I've done Karaoke boxes, bars and a VFW. People dance when I sing. I do get some faces that read, "Now there is something I don't see everyday." Though I did have someone call me the T word once, but she was so drunk I didn't see the point in educating her and her beef seemed to be she had a crush on someone who then transitioned and not me.

Athena, I think that you respect your girlfriend's feelings is a great start. I hope you work something out soon so you both are happy!