fear of the unknown or reactions, maybe.
but if i decided to come out as lesbian (i'm not, but i did wonder for a while a few years ago), that would still be easier than coming out as trans. because it's only about who i like, not who i am.
we have an interesting word in norwegian, "elendig". the original meaning is to be outside the country, in exile, but in our modern language it means horrible, awful, the worst kind of feeling or result. that's how terrible it feels to be away from the place where one belongs.
i have read about how some native american tribes had a punishment worse than death. a person who had committed a crime so horrific no punishment seemed enough, they would be declared dead, funeral rites would be held, and after that, the person would exist to no one in the tribe. no matter how much they cried or shouted or even destroyed things, they would not be noticed.
i grew up with a severe lack of validation. it has been so bad that the only nightmares i ever have, are of me shouting and shouting at my mother, getting nothing in response, her just going about her way paying no heed to whatever i try to say. it's as if i didn't exist. my feelings, my needs, my wish to see friends, my loneliness. nothing would find validation. i could not see myself reflected in the mirror that a parent's eyes are.
i'm terrified of this feeling that i don't exist. that i have no right to exist. that i'm unwanted.
i've spent so many years trying to become something which was allowed to exist, and only in adulthood learning, that i'm not the one who was wrong all this time.
so why do i think it's so hard to tell people who i really am?
because i really don't know if i'll be able to stand it, if i were met with rejection.
what if i'm told, i don't exist.
what if i'm told, i am unwanted.
the friend whom i trusted, will he only be friends with the person i pretended to be?
is there anyone out there who even wants to know who i really am? this person who wasn't even loved by their own mother?
a human being only exists within society.
outside, he is nothing.
the one who is never validated, does not exist.
having grown up always trying to be someone else, the one they told us we were, but we somewhere deep inside knew we weren't,
is it weird at all that we fear another person's reaction to learning who we really are?
i want to be a real person. please tell me i am.
