When are you ever happy? A bit of rambling ahead.

[Kellee]

"When are you ever happy?"...   That was a question asked somewhat in jest by my manager the other day when I was filling out my incident report after slipping in a puddle of oil that a coworker spilled and didn't clean up.  I answered back "never", and then got hit with a massive wave of depression because I realized it was true.  I don't remember the last time I was happy, at least in the past 6 years.  After the divorce and a whole bunch of other stuff I have been just going through the motions.  Surviving is all that I do. 

I don't want to live like that any more. I find that I am more .... alive...  and have a better outlook on life when I think about transitioning.  Whether it is just a pipe dream and the grass really isn't greener on the other side I don't know, but I do know that I will never know if I don't try.  I've been setting myself some goals to reach before I start on HRT, the main one is that I want to get down to at most 180 pounds, if not less.  I started at 230 and am now down to 200 from dieting over the summer, gave up smoking, though I still vape.  Going to start an exercise program and start riding a bike everywhere and work on these last 20 pounds.

I hit another speed bump recently when I tried to set up an appointment with the only therapist in the local area who deals with gender.  She is retiring next month, and she told me that the others in this town are very religious when it comes to their therapy sessions. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but its not for me and I don't want someone who is going to try to "fix" me, but someone who will help me to find who I really am. I've found a therapist online who will do chat sessions, and am going to be starting with her in the coming weeks which given how shy I am in face to face situations will probably be a better way for me to go.

I don't know where this road will lead, but I am going to follow it.  Thank you to all of you here with your stories and comments and just being who you are.

Sorry if this rambles, its 12:30 am after a 12 hour shift and I am tired, but had to get this off my chest.

[CrysC]

Kellee, it's great that you have been able to motivate yourself positively as you think about transitioning.  It's a terrible shame the rest of your life isn't inspirational and is dragging you down.  I hope things perk up.  Those may be things that need a change too if that is possible.

to answer the topic question, I have always been laid back and mellow.  I wasn't happy but wasn't really unhappy.  Emotionally I was pretty silent.  Things changed for me when I started HRT and was able to admit to my wife that I had always wanted to be female.  Oddly enough something came loose then.  I had built up a wall to keep those desires/thoughts at bay.  The wall was riddled with cracks and finally one day couldn't be repaired.  But the thing is that now I'm happy.  I really am.  I'm not able yet to live as a woman and I want to but still, it's good now.  I'm headed in the way I want and am happier with myself.  There is a simple joy in just being on the path.

Again I hope things perk up. 

[Jess42]

I wallow in the darkness and depression a lot. But yeah I have asked myself that same question and came up with the answer of never. I do get a lot out of the depression and darkness creatively but it gets so tiring sometimes. Eventually I hope it pays out.